cravin' pie.

anyone that knows me knows that i love to watch a good movie. it is one of my favorite kill-time activities. i have a special place in my heart for indie or 'B' list movies and i am proud of my modest collection filled with such titles.

as per usual when i want to curl up and escape for an hour or more, i spent this evening finishing 'waitress'...a quirky film about a small town girl who makes tremendously delicious pies and dreams of leaving her mediocre life behind.

besides making me crave a good slice of pie like there's no tomorrow, i walked away with one of the sweetest quotes of my twenty-five years. [context: jenna (the main character) is writing a series of letters to her unborn baby.]

enjoy. (oh, and rent the movie should you choose to indulge in a thoughtful indie film.)

dear baby, i hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. they don't pull away. they don't look at your face. they don't try to kiss you. all they do is wrap you up in their arms without an ounce of selfishness in it.

oh by gosh, by golly.

i am slightly obsessed with a certain christmas album. it plays incessantly when i am home alone. the album, you ask? "christmas with the rat pack." yes. that's right. frank. dean. sammy. they croon to me on a regular basis and have a way of getting this child-in-disguise all-excited about the upcoming christmas day.

mmmhmmmm. my favorite: frank's rendition of "mistletoe & holly"...a classic.

tomorrow is my last day of work for the next two weeks...praise the Lord for public education (for many reasons) and it's generous time off for teachers (and i guess for students, too). the kids are already bouncing off the walls with excitement/anticipation of their many days away from what they oftentimes refer to as...jail. how endearing.

in all seriousness, somewhere along the way, i have taken great affection for my job...my fellow teachers...and my students. i think the kids have taken to me, as well...one of my favorite things to hear everyday? "yo, what up, ms. D!"

i think i'll stick around for a while.

aaaaaaaaaand because i can't seem to have a post sans-all-things-charlie, enjoy the following photos of a walk with my pup. (all photos courtesy of j. stotts - one of the greatest photogs i know.)







i also have to show off the little one of the house. please say hello to tasha (kim's pup). and her stylish vest.

reeeee-diculous.

ok, so i know i am probably verging on annoying with how much i reference charlie, the little man-pup of my life...but hey, until i have actual human babies, i will continue to dote on my current child and source of joy.

that being said, i walk charlie everyday in the afternoon. it is starting to get a wee bit frigid, so i am looking to invest in a sweater/hooded sweatshirt for the lil guy.

while looking online tonight, i came across the following...and laughed for a good 2+ minutes...i had to share it with those dear readers out there who do not spend their free time searching for canine apparel online.

enjoy. and smile at the ludicrousness of it all.

sweet face.

my roommate, kim, takes the best photos of my pup when i am away. the following are two of my favorites and, like a proud parent, i had to show him off.

finding my song.

i have been engaged in the best email exchange of my life with a friend from yore. we had lost touch for quite some time and became reunited via one of those ever-popular social networking sites. and somehow, although completely divinely appointed, we've been laying out the big questions of our lives to each other, focusing on the scripture we've been camping in over the past few weeks, and stringing together thoughts that seem to ramble into the depths...but ramblings that also needed to be produced and pondered over.

it's been grand.

one God-sized idea we've been stumbling through: the idea of coming to the end of ourselves...and to the beginning of Him...and how the feeling of unraveling is really a call to Him...and how it is terrifying...and beautiful.

it's been a tough season in my walk with Him. i am not afraid to admit that. in fact, i think i need to admit this truth if i am to truly glean the refining that all of this is bringing to my life. the word that continually comes to mind when i am praying, falling asleep, or walking among the fallen leaves is wait.

of course, i am not sure what exactly i am waiting for...and for once, i am content in this season.

i have finally settled into my job. i feel as though i have a place among the halls of my school. i have found several kindred spirits among the other faculty and i see my purpose. i am learning to walk in it.

i see change all around me...not only in my life, but in the lives of those closest to me. and i find myself praising God for His divine orchestration of each shift.

on that note, i am learning to praise God for what He is doing...not just spending my time with Him asking FOR something...and that distinction has made a profound difference in my frame of reference. i am trying not to see Him as a mere means to an end...something greater than an answer/problem-solver to all of my dilemmas. and while i still may lay my petitions before Him (i.e. healing for my stomach), i am beginning to praise Him FOR the pain. crazy? i don't think so.

"ice breaks many a branch, and so i see a great many persons bowed down and crushed by their afflictions. but now and then i meet one that sings in affliction, and then i thank God for my own sake as well as his." - henry ward beecher

may i be one who sings.

time passes.

it's been a while...and i am long overdue for an update...but i am still penning the words in my head...and once i have some coherent, deep thoughts, i will gladly share with any and all dear readers of this, a lovely work in progress...

stay tuned.

and in the meantime, visit itunes, download and become obsessed with: shawn mcdonald's "captivated" and phil wickham's "divine romance"...

reminders.

my favorite part of the day is always first thing in the morning. after saying hello to a sleepy charlie, we head out to the study where i feed him...and then we sleepily walk out the back door for a few quiet minutes outside. while charlie wanders around our tiny backyard, i sit on the stoop and look up.

in the darkness, i see hundreds of stars. and they are an ever-welcome reminder of how small i am...how big He is...and how much i need him throughout the day. it's an incredible way to welcome the day.

_____________________

i am in the middle of a bad spell with my health. it seems my stomach cannot be appeased, no matter what i do/eat. it's been a week or so since i have been able to eat normally and i have missed a couple of days of work in the meantime.

prayer would be much appreciated that i may get over this roadblock and begin to feel a little bit normal again.

thanks, friends.

morning rituals.

i have a morning ritual, of sorts. while i wait for my coffee to brew and while i eat breakfast, i crack open an old leather-bound book on my desk entitled streams in the desert. it's a very old devotional, sometimes using old styles of English that leave me a little befuddled...but for the most part, i love starting my day with small reminders of God's ever-increasing glory.

this morning, i came across a quote i felt the need tp post on my blog...if for no other reason than for my own sake when i am old and gray and stumble across this electronic diary of sorts. the quote is as follows:

i have learnt to love the darkness of sorrow; there you see the brightness of His face. - madame guyon

it is absolutely beautiful and absolutely true.

won't you be my neighbor?

for all of its quirks, my neighborhood definitely makes me smile.

conversation with a little boy down the street who wanted to pet charlie:

"he's soft...what kind of dog is he?"

"he's a terrier."

*gasp* "does that mean he tears people up?!"

and then there's buddy. the lonely dog who sits in his front yard, ever-mindful of his electric fence and what will happen should he step over that fateful line. he likes to "hide" when charlie and i come close, only to run and jump up as if to say hello.

or today...walking home after a stroll around a few blocks...and our favorite latino neighbors standing in their driveway...drinking...and yelling, "bellas! bellas!" (translation: beautiful) followed by some cat calls and other phrases in spanish probably best-left-untranslated.

how. enticing.

finally, a knock on the door today presented kim and i with half of a sausage quiche made by one of our neighbors as a thanks to kim for mowing her lawn. (the other half went to the other neighbor who helped mow the lawn, too.)

i *heart* lakeside.

claiming His authority.

my current process: learning how to trust and believe God for His good purposes for my life.

it's been a rough few weeks. after finally getting hired in the county, i have faced conflict that i didn't anticipate - conflict that i have never experienced before. so now i am interviewing for other positions within the county that will be more helpful to me in reaching my professional goals.

am i ready to be a full-time teacher? i don't know. but He does.

in the face of this stress, my gastroparesis (go to this entry for details) has gotten worse. after a couple of months of treatment, i was doing A-OK. however, my symptoms are back and i am fighting discouragement that this is my "life-sentence"...my desire is to work & function normally...even under stress.

can i push through the pain and still live out my passions? i don't know. but He does.

i have discovered in the past few weeks how much i have missed the classroom. there's nothing like a little one walking up to you, wrapping an arm around your waist and whispering, "i like you" or watching a student struggle with a question and finally reach the right answer. the look on his/her face after an "excellent job!" or "i'm proud of you!" is priceless.

so now i pray for health. for energy to pursue my goals. for clarity and assurance that i am running after what He wants for my life.

and i would love some prayer warriors on my side.

worship + truth = comfort.

there's a place in my heart that is only for you
where the warmth of your touch is what sees me through
the joy and the pain this life always brings
in the darkness i still find myself just wanting to sing about you
…about you.

you are my reason to breathe
my reason to keep on believing
no one can come in between you and me
i will never look away, you will always be all that i see

there's a hole in my heart where only you belong
and where i'm most weak, you will always be strong
your whispering voice will be all that i need
through the valley or over the mountain, i'll run anywhere that you lead me
…that you lead me.

you are my reason to breathe
my reason to keep on believing
no one can come in between you and me
i will never look away, you will always be all that i see...

- jason morant "all that i see"

manna.

oooook.

good news! i have a job! that's right...i'm EMPLOYED!

praise the Lord and pass the bread. amen.

as of tomorrow morning, i will be an instructional assistant in a third grade classroom for the county. as i have been told, i will be co-teaching 29 students for the year. i couldn't be more thrilled. i really like the principal (he's a JMU grad!) and the few teachers i met during the interview process. i have yet to meet my co-teacher, so there's a prayer request wrapped up in there somewhere...but i am confident this will be a good situation.

in other news, however random this may be, a little something to add to my "ooh, i love my neighborhood" post a few weeks ago:

i left town this weekend and returned to a flyer on my desk informing me that my area has tested positive for the west nile virus. waaaaaay to go, mosquitoes. now kim and i arm ourselves with "deep woodsmen" bug repellent. it's manly. i don't enjoy it so much.

and i'm off to make my lunch for school tomorrow. YAY!

harry.

it's been a most uneventful few weeks. the job search continues. it's been an all-consuming affair. i'll let you know when i do. hopefully soon.

so, rather than discuss the boring aspects of my day-to-day, here are a couple of highlights from the past few weeks.

yesterday morning, while walking charlie around 6:45 a.m., i came upon a bus stop full of children loading onto their big, yellow taxi. as it pulled away and a dad started walking toward me, he started skipping...threw his arms in the air...and exclaimed, "it's like Christmas morning!" he was obviously thrilled at it being the first day of school. it made me laugh.

a friend-of-a-friend recently told me that charlie's face resembles that of harry...from 'harry and the hendersons'...the loveable 1987 john lithgow movie about a pacific northwest big-foot character that shacks up with the all-american family. it was one of my favorite movies as a kid. and i have to say, i see what she means. charlie and harry both have amazing facial expressions. don't believe me? check it out:
i think that's about it for now. like i said, not too much goin' on. and i think i am OK with that. for now.

anchors.

i have been most un-productive the past few days. for someone whose to-do list currently holds only one significant task, this is oh-so-sad to the finest degree. i could blame it on the hot weather for creating this lethargy. it would be a lie.

i think in many ways i am learning to just be. to sit. to talk to God in ways i haven't ventured into for quite some time.

i can't stop thinking about hope.

i want to grasp this abstract/concrete idea.

i had one of the greatest conversations of my lifetime last night. my kindred spirit, amy, and i spent over an hour talking about all-things-Jesus and hope and God and glory and peace. it was the kind of conversation that leaves you feeling as though you just left a really amazing church service. you want to walk around the house and just say "amen" over and over. it left me with many things to meditate upon. and a very strong desire.

i want holy wisdom.

among other things, i would love for God to explain to me why hope is an anchor to my soul. and how.

and how i can hold onto this incredible anchor for all i'm worth.

curious.

i went on a walk a little before 7 a.m. this morning with my pup. and i saw a most curious thing.

floating above my neighborhood was a tiny, green balloon.

i wish i knew the story behind its release.

some things are destined to stay a mystery.

lazy, hazy days.

today is one of those days where my deepest desire is to lay around and read. everything. i have been sucked into an updated version of pride and prejudice (needless to say the classic version is loads better). it makes me want to read all-things-great-literature.

i am also LOVING this cooler weather. a walk with charlie this morning at 6:45 was a pleasant way to start the day...it was even a bit chilly and we enjoyed the cool breeze compared to the blasts of humidity we have endured the past few days.

there's not much else to say, really. i want to go curl up and read some more but...i am off to edit the last few wedding photos waiting on my desktop.

maybe then i can meet Mr. Darcy.

old things new again.

i used to have a livejournal...another version of the popular blog. mine chronicled my last few months in harrisonburg. i found it this morning while looking at old internet bookmarks. the following is one of my entries from almost exactly 2 years ago. it made me laugh outloud.

[dated august 10th, 2005]

i went tanning yesterday.

this is something i vowed i would never do. and i am normally not this vain. HOWEVER....i am in a wedding in a little over a month from now...and i would rather have a little tan than reflect the flash from the camera.

whatchagonnado.

now, i know there are those that will judge this decision. and that's OK. i am prepared. in fact, i have paaaaaaaaaaid for my sins.

here's the low-down:

ok, so i walk into [nameless] tanning salon...and this young girl behind the counter asks for my last name, thinking i am a regular customer. i almost laughed...because how could she mistake ME, pale-as-a-bale-of-cotton-laura, for a regular customer. anyyyyyyway. i quickly inform her that i have never been tanning before...and she says, "so...what do you want?"...and i am all like, "umm....to tan...." (seriously stating the obvious).

ok, so i pay for 10 sessions. HA. yes. i know what you are thinking. i have heard it all. she then asks if i have a lotion. CLEARLY she is delusional. i say no and then get pointed to the $40-50 case of lotions. i gracefully glide back to the front of the salon and ask for a sample. only $5. much more budget-friendly. ok, so i choose a dark tan accelerator. baaaaaaaaaaad idea. did i know this at the time? of course not.

she then asks if i want a basic bed or a hot bed...i ask for the difference and she explains that the hot beds have the newest bulbs. naturally, i want the newest. i am american.

so we head to room #2 and she shows me how to work my coffin of doom and says that the maximum time is 20 minutes.

i get down to my skivvies and on goes the lotion. i turn on the bed, squint my eyes from the glare, put on my little goggles that would protect no swimmer i know and lay down on some bulbs. i close the top and it is seriously close to my body/face. if i were claustrophobic, i would probably have died from anxiety.

so here i am. laying there, listening to the bulbs pop as they heat up, sweating, thinking, "is this going to singe my skin" & "my legs and back shouldn't be this warm, right?"

13 minutes later, i step out. i couldn't make it the whole 20. i think the voice of God bellowed down to room #2 and told me to get out.

ah-hem. no one told me you are only supposed to stay in 3-5 minutes MAX your very first time. information like this is not inherent, people. we all had to be potty trained, did we not? same principle. go with it.

i am red like whoa. all over. there are CLEAR tan...no wait, burn lines on my back/chest. my skin is severely angry with me at the moment. and i am trying to make it happy with aloe.

stupid is as stupid does.

in the 'hood.

things my roommate (kim) and i love about our richmond neighborhood:

the two adorable kids down the street who wait for us to take our dogs on a walk in the morning...and once we are down the front steps and within earshot, we hear the familiar, "hi, charlie/tasha!" as they wait for us to approach for the routine dog-petting. charlie especially likes this attention. it might be going to his head. moving on...

the mysterious naked barbie that showed up in our backyard. i believe she is missing her arms.

or, for that matter, the strange pair of plastic-must-have-come-from-a-little-boy's-GI Joe-toy legs that have been in the street for the past few days...albeit a little shattered and run-over.

martha across the street. her garden. sammy, her dog (a sometimes charlie/tasha companion). a friendly presence who loves to talk. to us and to all dogs.

our fish pond in the front yard. home to willie, nelson and curvy (our koi). oh, and the lilypads.

our neighbors who enjoy a dip in their tiny pool from time to time. and the fact that he always opens the door for her.

the latino men down the street. and their music. and the corona bottle caps i find on my daily walks.

the house with the giant fish for a mailbox (hook included) and a sign on their porch that reads "beware of attack turtle."

the random pumkin patch in a neighboring yard. with a gigantic gourd. ready to carve...in august.

the eccentric motorcycle family down the street with flowers planted in an old toilet situated nicely in their backyard.

the fact that everyone is so unique, amiable and more than willing to stop for conversation on any given night.

welcome home.

slow dancing in a burning room.

i feel a return to "myself," as they say. i am beginning to feel better physically...and eating a wider array of foods. praise to the Good Lord.

i was even able to enjoy a fantastic evening, sitting on a hill by the Beach, listening to amazing music with some of my closest friends...looking up at the stars and letting the sounds of ben folds/john mayer take over for a few hours. i needed a moment of normalcy like that.

with this return to myself, i feel a very strong pull towards the Lord. during prayer & praise at my church last week, the pastor pointed out that we had been singing the lyrics "You draw near to me" in reference to how God responds/initiates to us.

good reminder. i need to remember that God is constantly drawing near to me regardless of my response to Him. in the midst of the past few months, i admit that i have stepped away from my "usual walk" with Him (it sounds so cliche - not my intention)...yes, i continued to pray...and i read the Word for some sort of encouragement/hope...but my efforts were grounded solely in my circumstances and not so much in who He is. i hope that makes sense. to me, it's a big difference.

yesterday evening, we had a particularly violent thunderstorm. it came on rather quickly, produced amazing amounts of rain, lightning and thunder. we stood by the doorways and watched until a very bright flash of light and crack of thunder resulted in the loss of power, causing us to retreat inside and Charlie to run around like a madman in the confusion.

being still light outside, it didn't faze us much (except for Charlie). when the sun began to set, i realized our lack of candles...and we set out to pillage a few more to create a nice, soft glow in the house. did i mention these candles smell like vanilla cupcakes? i seriously digress.

without AC or any of the other creature comforts we are so accustomed to, i decided to hang out on the couch and not move much to create as little heat as possible.

it was during this time on the couch that God began to give me a little parable/parallel of sorts.

during thunderstorms, we are so focused on the action of the clouds that we forget the purpose of this summer-time "disturbance." is it not the job of the thunderstorm to clean the air, so to speak? to water creation? even cause us to slow down, be cautious and submit to its authority (seek cover, drive slowly, etc.)?

i feel as though my days have been one gigantic thunderstorm over the past year. yes, i can see how this might come off as overly dramatic, but from march of '06 to now has been the most trying 400+ days of my 25 years. i do not lie.

now that things are slowing down a bit, i am starting to see the purpose in this tempest. i am reminded of matthew 8: 23-27. i love this passage.

[Jesus, after a time of healing...] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping, The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

another good reminder: sometimes God creates many a storm to prove He is God...and i am not. to "clean my life"...to bring me out of the heat so that He can replenish my existence. and in that calmness? i am forced to listen - just like last night and the loss of power forcing me to just sit and be...and listen to the crickets outside...something i would have missed had the AC/fans/TV/music been rattling around inside.

i realize these ramblings are not unique thoughts or maybe even that deep or profound. all of that to say that i am learning to be perfectly content in this stillness now that the storms seem to be receding...i am resting in the promise that God is using this "quiet time" to prove who He is in my life.

He is God.

bubbly.

so, my furry companion got a little (well, HUGE) trim a few weeks back. being the proud mama that i am, i have to show him off...even if i am a little horrified by how much the groomers shaved off. (check out the before-shot in a previous blog entry.)

[all photos taken by my lovely roommate, kim, when i happened to step out for a few minutes. click to enlarge.]

here goes:

he says that this is his best angle:

this is my all-time favorite. when i get that fabulous job i long for, this one will be framed and atop the desk:

so, sometimes i leave my room...and when i come back, this is what i find:
enjoy my pup. i do. even with the fleas.

laughing it up.

i have decided that the best way to fight the good fight is to do so with a grand sense of humor.

i have to laugh about my current state of affairs. it seems as though a hearty laugh and a strong prayer will be the only way i will be able to deal with my diagnosis.

these are the cards i have been dealt. i am learning to play (one day at a time). i am also learning to be appreciative that it isn't much worse than this. this i can handle.

in light of this revelation/resolution, i have decided to name my stomach. he will now be referred to as Seamus (shay-mus). yes, he's Irish. why? he has a bit of a flaring temper...and he has a great fondness for all-things-potato. somehow giving my stomach a name a) makes me laugh at the absurdity of it all and b) keeps me grounded.

i also laugh/dance when i hear kirk franklin's "stomp!" why? the good ol' line...

GP, are you wit me? oh yeah, we havin' church, we ain't going nowhere...

now, for those of you unfamiliar with kirk franklin and his posse, GP stands for God's People...otherwise known as the people that actually sing the gospel music he writes while he talks/raps over the beats. (don't get me wrong. i have some serious love for KF.)

anyway, in a lot of the literature i have found about gastroparesis, many people type GP instead of consistently spelling out the medical term.

so, yes...GP is wit me. and yes, i am still dancing/havin' church.

i also want to give an enormous shout-out of thanks to my friends and family who have rallied around me lately. i feel loved beyond words. suggestions of liquid/pureed food parties, trips to get smoothies, letters of incredible encouragement, emails containing grand statements of optimism have most certainly helped this LD feel better.

i am starting to feel normal again. praise Jesus. and as much as i do have those moments of sadness, the smiles are starting to overshadow the tears.

thank you. from the bottom of my ever-grateful heart.

i suppose it's official.

questions of science
science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart...
[coldplay]

ok, friends.

i thought the easiest way to communicate what exactly has been happening with yours truly over the past few months would be on my beloved blog - available to the masses, however impersonal it may be. i apologize for my lack of personal, direct communication. i ask for your grace and forgiveness.

let me explain.

many of you know that i have been experiencing bouts of nausea and vomiting for a matter of months over this past year. after leaving staff with InterVarsity in april and moving back to virginia, i began the process of seeing a specialist to begin testing in an effort to figure out the root cause of my symptoms.

the past month has been particularly rough and my symptoms have gotten worse. i have been on an IV several times for dehydration associated with constant vomiting and even had the oh-so-fabulous pleasure of spending the night in the ER here in Richmond. (i *heart* MCV. really, i do.)

i was able to switch to a specialist here in Richmond and had an appointment last Friday. he ordered a new round of tests for me, which i endured this week at MCV.

he called on wednesday afternoon to give me my diagnosis.

i have a condition called gastroparesis (literally, paralysis of the stomach). i know. it's weird.

the basics: my stomach has stopped functioning, meaning that it no longer turns my food into digestible material...so it either sits in my stomach for an extraordinarily long amount of time until it is broken down by acid...or, it comes back up. lovely, isn't it. (sorry.)

for most people, there is no identifiable cause. there is also no cure.

about 8 million people have GP and they are starting to find better ways of treating this condition. it's good to know i am not alone. as God would have it, my best friend's mother also has GP and offered some incredible encouragement once she heard about my diagnosis.

i will begin taking medication to force stomach contractions...however, these medicines have nasty, neurological side effects. i am nervous about beginning these drugs.

i now also operate with a very long list of foods i simply cannot eat anymore (fresh fruits/vegetables, certain dairy products, whole grains, meat, etc.) - basically anything good for you - and for someone who loves a huge salad, this is hard news to swallow (haha! i gotta laugh about this...join me, won't you?)

for the next few months, i will live off of a liquid/puree diet to give my stomach a break from the havoc it has endured over the past few months. any suggestions on good, pureed food would be much appreciated.

so there it is. i wish i had happy, cheery news to share with you. i will admit that this is hard to deal with and i am in a state of mourning right about now. i know that this isn't the end of the world...and i know that i will have a plan of action to function normally again...and i know that God is still amazingly good through all of this...but i think i need a little bit of time to process what's going on. it's very strange to think that a major part of your body has simply stopped working.

i also believe that God is bigger than my stomach muscles...and He can heal this according to His will.

my son, pay attention to what i say;
listen closely to my words.

do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;

for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.

above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life. - proverbs 4: 20-23

again, i ask for your grace and forgiveness for being MIA for quite some time. i simply haven't felt well enough to make many calls or sit at the computer to write personal emails. i will try to be better about this over the next few weeks.

as for the job update: i am still not working and i had to cancel my interview with the local school system because i hadn't been discharged from the hospital yet on the day of my interview. they were very kind and said that i can reschedule whenever i feel better. i am hoping that that is relatively soon and that God will give me the strength to begin teaching in the fall.

in happy news, i do have a small, furry companion to keep me company through this. please see my last blog entry for a picture of my new BFF. he is wild. and i love him.

i will ask for prayer, if i may do so. i want to experience God's joy again. i want to function normally. i want the depression to cease and for happiness to reign again.

thank you for standing by me through this. i would love an email life update from each of you when/if you get the chance. know that i appreciate, value and love you dearly.

His,
Laura

new BFF.

please say hello to my newest little buddy. his name is charlie and i have adopted him after he wandered into a friend-of-a-friend's yard, looking for a home. what i know about him after 24 hours together: he loves to chew - especially on my flip-flops. he likes to prance when we go on walks (that's why his given nickname is prince charles). his favorite toy is a small, purple stuffed purse (good story). curling up and taking a nap together seems to be something he enjoys immensely.

notice the white poof that is my dog. that's because he lived life on the streets for a little while. no worries, though...this proud mama has already made an appointment to groom his lovely locks.

i *heart* him. a lot.

whiskers on kittens.

things i like (recently):



old friends calling me "La"

listening to a beautiful, wise elderly woman tell me great stories from her past

big leather chairs & ottomans that call me to curl up and read for a majority of the day

burgers and movie nights with my lovely roommate

late afternoon thunderstorms with ominous clouds

the unexpected and unknown...like my looming future

standing up for myself and learning the value in such action

finally ending the oh-so-fabulous phone tag with a good catch-up conversation



i like life right now. even with all its quirks and dives.

clicking and waiting.

i've done it.

i've applied for a full-time teaching job for the fall. perhaps it's time to use my trusty ol' masters in special education.

there is a part of me that is completely excited about this prospect. there is another side that is freaking out ever-so-slightly in a "what have i done?!" kind of way. it's been over a year since i have spent any time in a classroom.

can i do this? can i really do this?

only time will tell. and i kind of need to get hired first.

i do think it is incredibly ironic, however, that, at the end of my online application, i was asked to click "submit"...

oh, how that word comes fully-loaded these days.

shaking my fist.

i am slightly obsessed with nickel creek at the moment. i have always loved them...but a return to their soulful music is providing great joy and profound thought. the following is my current favorite selection.

where am i today? i wish that i knew
'cause looking around there's no sign of you
i don't remember one jump or one leap
just quiet steps away from your lead

i'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
feeling this short of a love that we once knew
i'm calling this home when it's not even close
playing the role with nerves left exposed

standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
others have excuses, but i have my reasons why

we get distracted by dreams of our own
but nobody's happy while feeling alone
and knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
we lean another ladder against the wrong wall

and climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
while others have excuses, i have my reasons why...

- "reasons why"

welcome mat.

in line with the new pact i have created with myself to be incredibly optimistic and cheerful ("the mind is a powerful thing" - mama), i have decided to outline a few thoughts i have had over the past few weeks...pleasant meanderings of the mind in hopes of inspiring more. here goes.

i could sit outside on the back deck of my parents' house in a warm evening breeze for hours and watch my dog lay in the grass, sniffing curiously. a simple moment with profound comfort.

digging in the dirt has got to be one of God's best ideas. fresh soil smells heavenly.

james taylor has quickly become a staple in my musical feast (and not because he graduated from carolina). 'fire and rain' speaks all kinds of wisdom.

painting with my pallete knife releases some kind of pent-up energy like nothing else can, especially when dipped in deep reds.

i am grateful for the large thyme and oregano bushes left in my backyard by the previous tenant. it makes the morning breeze that much more amazing.

getting lost in a world of fiction on my new red couch with a cup of peppermint tea makes for a good time.

the older i get, the more i love and appreciate my family...quirks and all.

wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'...

it's may 1st.

tomorrow, i move to richmond. my time in chapel hill is done. everyone keeps asking me how i feel about this move...if i am ready to leave...am i excited about being back in my home state.

i don't really know how to answer that query.

i think i am too overwhelmed about all of the change that is happening all at once. it's not necessarily a negative emotion...just overwhelming.

it may be a few days before i am able to wax nostalgic about my time in chapel hill.

what i do know now?

i have been blessed beyond words by many, many souls down here in the south...and i am ever-grateful for this refiner's fire otherwise known as the past 12 months of my life.

the story is not over, my friends...in fact, i am hopeful for quite a few more beginnings...

confusion.

i just don't understand. i know i'm not really supposed to...but what are you "supposed" to think during times of tragedy? everyone wants to know the "why" and "how"...glued to the TV, watching the same footage looped over and over again.

this world is broken. there is no mistaking that. today's events at Virginia Tech provide grim evidence of that fact.

my heart hurts for the students and their families...for the campus as they deal with the aftermath of it all...

the only thing that keeps running through my head?

hope wins.

death doesn't have the last word.

He does.

a little chestnut...

i listen to music every morning while i am getting ready. yes, i am addicted to noise. i admit it. i am quite varied in my addiction, however, and this morning i decided that jazz was on the menu.

and jimmy durante started singing to me...and it made me smile...a genuine smile.

fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
if you're young at heart
for its hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
if you're young at heart

you can go to extremes with impossible schemes
you can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
and life gets more exciting with each passing day
and love is either in your heart or on its way

don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth
to be young at heart
for as rich as you are it's much better by far
to be young at heart

and if you should survive to 105
look at all youll derive out of being alive
then here is the best part
you have a head start
if you are among the very young at heart...

seasons.

it's been an overwhelming week.

last friday, our leadership selection meeting was brought a halt when we learned that one of our students, Jason Ray, had been struck by a vehicle and was in critical condition. Jason, a small group leader in our fellowship, was also the mascot for UNC and was up in NJ for the sweet sixteen game. he was walking back to his hotel after grabbing some food before the game and was hit by an SUV. we received updates all weekend on his condition...some reports of brain activity...some reports of positive responses...and then on monday, at 8:38 a.m., Jason passed away.

needless to say, it's been overwhelming. it feels surreal. the students are coping as best they can. some are trying to be strong because they feel like it's the only way they can manage...while others openly grieve the loss of their friend and brother.

today is his wake. tomorrow is his funeral. last night, we celebrated his life at Large Group with testimonies of who he was and the light that he brought onto this campus and into people's lives.

pray for our community, friends. pray for strength...for the ability to grieve when we need to let go and break down for a bit...and for the peace that Jason fulfilled God's will for his life here on earth.

may angels lead you in...

the news.

the following is an email i sent out yesterday to friends/family...i realize i missed a few loved ones in that exchange...so here goes:

_______________________

Hello, friends.

I hope and pray you are doing well today as you read this email. I want to apologize for being MIA over the past few weeks. I know that I need to return several phone calls/emails. I ask for continued grace as I am now dealing with some difficult news/decisions.

As you know, this year is my intern year at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill. I have been spending this year training to become a full-fledged staff worker at my own campus next year. Around the middle of February, all of the interns for the region (VA, NC, SC) gathered in Chapel Hill for our placement meeting. We learned which campuses were open for new staff workers next year. We then gave our area directors and regional director information that they would need in regards to our circumstances for placement.

I, along with the other interns, waited for about 2 weeks to receive our "placement" phone calls. I received mine on Friday, March 2. I was offered a part-time position at a small private college in western North Carolina. I was offered part-time because of my estimated funding for next year and because of the limited funds at the college waiting for me.

After a week of extreme confusion/confliction, I was challenged to face the realities of my situation...especially financially. As of June of this year, I will no longer be on staff with InterVarsity. There are many factors that have played into this decision to say no. I was given an estimated budget for my part-time work next year, and I took a step back to realize that I will already be losing support as I enter next fall. I suppose I always knew this -- placement made me face this fact that I realistically do not have the resources to remain on staff. Do I believe God can provide for me again like He did last summer? Absolutely...but I don't feel released to enter into that enormous task again. I also want to say that the actual placement in and of itself is not entirely why I said no...afterall, I did tell my bosses that I would be willing to go anywhere....but even if I had been offered a full-time position at the "perfect" location, I would have eventually have had to face this reality about my support.

While the funding aspect of placement is certainly a large factor in my decision, it is not the only reason I am leaving. It's extremely hard to explain (especially in an email), but I did not have a peace in my spirit about working part-time/struggling to raise support over the next few years in hopes of becoming full-time. I also feel a strong pull in my spirit to seek a community of my own and I am looking forward to becoming strongly connected to a church family. As much as I desire to remain on staff, I know the Lord is leading me away for something else.

God has been faithful to me over this past week to affirm me and my giftings...especially in the area of staff work. I've spoken with several people over this past week -- people who have a strong, spiritual voice in my life. No one convinced me one way or the other...and I never heard some big, booming voice from Heaven telling me what to do. When it came down to it, I had to pay attention to my heart/spirit...even if I am still confused and hurting.

I pray that you trust my decision. I pray that you understand that this decision was not made out of fear or doubt. I pray that, no matter what you think of me leaving, you will continue to stand beside me. I cannot fully explain how difficult this decision has been for me. I am grieving...and anxious about where God is calling me for next year. I have enormous love for InterVarsity and its work on the college campus. I don't have a back-up plan. I have no idea what I am going to do or how I will continue ministry...

...but I do know that He is faithful. I do know that this year has been incredible in more ways than I can outline...and no one can take away the miracle God gave me to get me here for the year. I know this whole year and process is not a mistake...and I thank Jesus for giving me you all to stand beside me in this process.

I also ask that you pray for all of the other interns in our region who are dealing with their own placement decisions/news. This is an intense time of year for us on staff (finishing out the semester, preparing for our Chapter Camp in May and looking ahead to next year). I am faithful that you all will continue to pray for us and our campuses.

If you have any questions about any of this, please feel free to email or call and I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. Again, I apologize for being hard to reach recently.

For those of you who are currently supporting me financially, I will send out a letter explaining how to continue giving until the end of the fiscal year (June) and other information you may need as I finish this year on staff. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement.

Thank you for loving me...for praying for me...and for encouraging me. I am incredibly blessed by you all and I will be praying for you in the weeks to come.

In His Grace,
Laura

talks, turkeys and the future.

it's been a few days. whoops. my bad.

this past weekend marked the first women's retreat for our chapter here at carolina. about 30+ women gathered at a local church for an evening of fun activities/community outreach/movies...and then they were locked into the sanctuary for the evening. i say "they" because i returned home for the evening to finish some work/get some proper sleep before i led two seminars the next day. yes, i am a wimp. i like my own bed. what can i say?

and so i returned the next morning and had breakfast before leading two seminars on body image/food control/exercise obsession. i shared my testimony and some of the revelation i believe the Lord has given me on this topic over the past few years...it is, afterall, the reason i am on staff. i will say, however, that it is incredibly tough to cover such a broad topic in only 45 minutes...and i will admit that i left the first seminar feeling somewhat overwhelmed, scatter-brained and praying that the women were able to glean something from up above. the second seminar (smaller in number) was much more successful, i do believe. i guess what they say is true...practice makes perfect...or...at least a little better.

on the whole, the retreat was incredible. it was amazing to hear wisdom from other women, to worship together and to try to understand what it means to be beautifully bold in our design as women. i was very privileged to be a part of it all.

sunday = thanksgiving. say what? yes, well...i have had a frozen turkey in my freezer since last november courtesy of interVarsity's leftovers from an outreach event we had on campus...and it was TIME to get rid of that sucker. so...i roasted my very first turkey on sunday...and we had 15 people come over for our thanksgiving potluck to watch carolina beat the tar out of duke. a 20-lb. turkey generates a lot of meat, my friends...and while it did take 6.5 hours to roast, it was mighty tasty, if i do say so myself. i love having people over. i love playing hostess. it's my favorite. kim and i got to stand back and enjoy the ecclectic mix of people filling our apartment...and even if tyler hansbrough did suffer a punch to the nose, it was a great day in the Cave.

and now? now i am recovering from a 24-hour stomach flu. booooooo. getting some work done. yay! and gearing up for spring break in greensboro with 20+ fabulous students.

and for all of my faithful readers out there in the abyss of the internet...please pray for yours truly as i am praying/trying to trust God with the next chapter of my life on staff. more details to come...when i myself get some from above. thanks!

a stroll through years past...

well, it's official. i am 25 years old. mmmhmmm. it's been a fantastic day...full of flowers, facebook messages, phone calls (even an international call!), and fooooood.

i am blessed. beyond words.

to honor this day of my birth...and the interruption of my brother's mcdonald's happy meal one sunday afternoon a quarter of a century ago (long, laborious story...pun most DEFINITELY intended), i have decided to embarass the heck out of myself and present...*drumroll*...

laura...through the ages...

i'm working with limited resources down south away from the family albums. but here we go. (feel free to click on the images to make them a little bigger for your viewing pleasure. and don't be afraid to chuckle at LD. i do. i think God does sometimes, too.)

check me out. i am one...loving me some pastels while my brother rocks the vest. get it, james.


ok, so i am still sportin' the pastels at the tender age of two...while the bro has moved to a more conservative pattern...and look! i have hair! it's blond! yeah, didn't see that coming, did you...


yessssssss. i am five. and that furry thing next to me? that's my brother. no. scratch that. that's misty, our new puppy. loved her. miss her.


i am seven. with a bird on my head. say hello to mae. she was sassy...just like me. that's why i liked her...


clearly the most embarassing of 'em all....lawd, have mercy...i am thirteen...which makes jj sixteen...totally appropriate facial expression for both of us: james = bad attitude & la = awkward. golden memories. oh, and that's still misty. still miss her.


here we have homecoming part deux of senior year. i am seventeen. like the magazine. yes, we had to have TWO homecomings because of rampant bomb threats. but nonetheless, here i stand with alyssa. (love you, b!) like my dress? mama made it. boo-yah.


and ya know...this wouldn't be complete without a little present-day loving. this is the most recent decent photo i have of myself. (shout-out to the beautiful hanna sitting beside me!) wooo! so yup. ta-da.


thanks to everyone who made today incredible. love you.

God is good. ALL THE TIME.

to do without?

this time of year, the same question will inevitably surface...causing a mix of emotions (some good, some not-so-pleasant) and people walk away feeling a) guilty ...b) proud of themselves...or c) confused.

the question?

what are you giving up for lent?

i myself am "guilty" of asking that question. i believe i am going to stop...

invariably, the answers are never quick and easy. they are always loaded with baggage...most often served up with a side of guilt. i think we have lost the point somewhere along the way. someone will say that they are giving up sweets or soda or french fries...and this is often said with sadness...and then perhaps a confession of the ways they have already "failed" at this mission just a few days into the lenten season.

or there is always the person who "gives something up"...but it is of no real consequence to his or her daily life...thus, it is not hard to abstain from these desires...and they go about patting themselves on the back for persevering through 40 days without ever "slipping" and giving in to the temptations of this world.

while i am not exactly sure where i stand on the issue of lent, i do know that these forty days have become skewed...legalistic...self-focused.

i see the purpose in fasting. i believe in it. i know fasting is biblical...and that Jesus did so Himself. i have delighted (hungered?) in this process myself from time to time. i see the repentance that springs forth from a concentrated period focused on God and His purposes or presence in our lives. i see how these forty days are for the preparation of our celebration of Calvary and what was done on our behalf one Friday afternoon.

i don't understand the guilt associated with this practice. i don't understand how it has become so manufactured and rule-driven. i don't understand how we lost sight of the Center of it all...

perhaps this season, i will offer a challenge: let us remove the focus from ourselves and what we can/cannot do or should/should not do...and let us lift our eyes to Jesus in hopeful anticipation of glorifying God with thankful hearts for what He did for us on that Cross. let us prepare ourselves to fall before the Throne, covered in grace and an unconditional love that we may never fully understand this side of Heaven...and may we use these forty days to quiet ourselves so that we may hear Him whisper "today you will be with me in paradise..."

oh, the randomness...

i feel as though sometimes my life is a series of incredibly entertaining events. oftentimes there is someone else to experience these bizarre moments with me. most times i am left to enjoy these little plot twists alone with a smile on my face.

for example...

i take the bus to campus most days. the bus is my favorite place to people-watch. sometimes i am listening to music. sometimes i enjoy the silence of it all. one day, i was sitting across from a man who looked OK. nothing odd or out of place. he had a backpack beside him and he was watching the moving scenery outside. all of a sudden, he pulls a tennis ball from out of his bag. he holds it gingerly in his hands...and begins to talk to it...nay, he begins to yell at this little yellow object. i am listening to music on this day, so i reach into my pocket and pause the noise in an effort to better hear this tirade against his fuzzy friend. yes, i am aware that this is eavesdropping. anyway, to my surprise, there is no audible sound coming from him...he is merely mouthing these words of rage. we reach the next stop, he puts the ball away...and descends from the bus.

yep. and i remain on the bus...confused.

ok, so yesterday i am on the bus again...and there is a teenage boy sitting a few seats behind me. there is nothing particularly unusual about this guy...except for the fact that he is listening to his CD player...and it is so loud that i can hear almost every word. i smiled to myself as i watched other people on the bus look at him with annoyance. i finally get off a few stops later and go about my day...8 hours later, i get back on and take a seat, ready to go home. and i hear it. the same music. the same volume...and i turn around...and lo, he is there. it's almost as if he never left. what are the chances.

or...as a student and i walked across campus to find a bench in the arboretum for our weekly chat, a male student with firery red hair begins leaping across the bricks in front of us...jumping onto benches, leaping off of them, rolling across the ground, diving into the grass...it was all very movie-stunt-man-ish. then he just stopped and began walking normally. we were amazingly confused...but amazingly entertained.

we finally find a little bench and begin to talk. a few minutes later, a young man walks past us...over to a spot under a tree. he bends down, fluffs up some leaves like a little pillow, sits indian-style and begins meditating, palms up and sitting as straight as a pin. he never moved. this is certainly not something you see everyday.

and finally, this morning started with a bang...or a cymbal crash. there is a lumberyard only a few feet behind my apartment. many mornings have begun with loud noises coming from this place filled with wood...and this morning, i was woken up by very loud hispanic music. i mean, it was LOUD. i realize that it must be coming from a truck that had come to pick up some lumber...i crawl out of bed, and open my window...i just stand there...blinking in the face of the light...and then i realize that a man is watching me. creepy. so i just look right back at him. it's like staring contest...and he walks over to the truck and shuts off the music. apparently i won. i smiled, closed the window and slipped back into bed for a few more minutes.

like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of my life...

we will never be the same.

i have a new favorite song. surprise, surprise.

but seriously? this little ditty by the david crowder band (oh, the glory of it all) is pretty phenomenal. the lyrics are incredible...incredibly true. all i know is that it is speakin' my soul language these days.

check out the lyrics & the song here.

it can also be purchased on itunes - look for it on the second Passion 07 CD. it is highly recommended by moi.

oh, and the photo up top? i snapped that one on campus a few weeks ago. i discovered the tiny foam heart glued to the tree. i liked it. there you go.

in other news...

i have started an intensive study on the Book of Job this morning. i don't believe i have ever read Job beginning to end...let alone with a few study materials and Matthew Henry's concise Bible commentary.

phew.

i'm drawn to the book for personal reasons (i find myself in a small forest of wilderness these days)...but i am diving into this piece of wisdom literature on behalf of other Jobs in my life. i want to speak the Truth of God's goodness to those in my company who are questioning His goodness and presence in the midst of suffering and pain.

i stand upon His promises and i want to pull others onto that Rock of Truth with me...to stand firm and secure in His grace and love. this is not such an easy task. but if Job can come out praising God in the midst of intense personal anguish, surely we can persevere.

righteous sufferers must trust in, acknowledge, serve and submit to the omniscient and omnipotent Sovereign, realizing that some suffering is the result of the unseen, spiritual conflicts between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of Satan -- between the kingdom of light and the kindgom of darkness (Ephesians 6:10-18).

i'm ready to fight.

who's with me?

wobbly knees and heavenward faces.

the good news: emmaus07 (the name of our area's annual winter conference) was a success. over 150 interVarsity students from the eastern carolinas made their way to myrtle beach for a weekend focused on the Lord...the theme? media: through the lens of jesus. as is always the case with the Lord, i found that i walked away humbled, convicted and ready to change the way i think about my media consumption. it's amazing how, even when we as staff work so hard to produce something good, true and noble for our students, we end up receiving a gentle reminder that we needed the same tap on the shoulder from God.

so the weekend consisted of talks concerning how to thoughtfully engage with the media of our culture, when to "unplug" and listen to only the Lord's voice and how to find the "sweet spot" in the middle -- neither thoughtlessly consuming everything nor running away and isolating ourselves from our world. students participated in seminars, small groups, prayer sessions, open mic opportunities and (for our Carolina students) lunch while watching a little college basketball. [go Heels!]

my favorite moment of the weekend surprisingly had nothing to do with students or the content of the conference...i had a free moment to walk on the beach. i didn't realize how much i needed to see the ocean. i didn't know how much i needed to be reminded that i am small...that He is big...and that He is in control of everything. listening to the waves and crunching seashells under my feet while my face stayed turned towards the sun provided those comforting reminders.

and it hit me...

why is it so hard for us to remember the incredible Truths upon which we base our life? why do our knees get wobbly when our faith is tested? why is it so easy to forget all of the ways He has taken care of us up until this very moment? why do we believe that our blessings are going to run out...that there won't be enough grace for us...or that our worth or future is dependent upon this moment of "failure" or that...

so i came back from the weekend with quite a few thoughts running through my head...

and i am praying that i can give over those thought patterns that deny glory to God...

and that i can stop the "what if" game....that i can rest in the Promises He has spoken over my life...that i can remember His goodness and the proof of His presence...

You alone are Worthy...

and so it goes...

this weekend? in a word? fantastic.

sleeping in is a small gift from Heaven, me thinks...as is dinner at Four Eleven West with a terrific date...good movies...early-morning walks to the grocery store...baking savory goodies for Super Bowl consumption...and watching the Game with a few hysterical people who know how to make LD laugh...(laughing is my favorite).

overall...i am one satisfied consumer of the weekend, my friends.

true.

i believe in the rest of the story
i believe there's still ink in the pen
i have wasted my very last day
trying to change what happened way back when...

i believe it's the human condition
we all need to have answers to why
more than ever, i'm ready to say that i
will still sleep peacefully
with answers out of reach for me until...

someday all that's crazy
all that's unexplained
will fall into place
and someday all that's hazy
through a clouded glass
will be clear at last
and sometimes we're just waiting
for someday...

we are born with a lingering hunger
we are born to be unsatisfied
we are strangers who can't help but wonder
and dream about the other side of...

someday all that's crazy
all that's unexplained
will fall into place
and someday all that's hazy
through a clouded glass
will be clear at last
and sometimes we're just waiting
for someday...

every puzzle's missing piece
every unsolved mystery
more than half of every whole
rests in the Hands that hold you for someday...

- nichole nordeman "someday"

this little light of mine...

if i had to pick one word to describe today? intense.

part of the amazingness of my j-o-b as a campus staff worker is the incredible opportunity to engage in a retreat of prayer. i, along with my fellow staff workers from the region, retreated to durham for a few hours of reflection and a date with Him. this little escape from campus proved to be just what this spirit needed. i didn't realize how much i needed time with my Creator. i came face-to-face with my sin. i reached moments of intense clarity and closure. i fell before the Lord and accepted His grace in ways i have avoided over the past few weeks. i gave in to His love.

in the words of my good friend & songwriter, kristin (sandberg) moore, i was "captured and ruined" for Him today...

while walking the labyrinth on the grounds, God gave me the following...perhaps it still needs some "working out"...but for now, it's something this LD can meditate upon...

sunshine. i love strong sunshine on my face. i love the warmth. i love the way it feels on my skin. i love when it is so bright that i just have to close my eyes to take it all in. i crave this sunshine. i wait for moments like these.

but...

i hate letting others see sunshine on my face. i become insecure and fearful that all of my flaws, blemishes and imperfections will become painfully obvious. so i hide my face from the sun in the company of others. i cover my true self. i deny the sun the chance to warm my face or reflect its goodness, its brightness.

i let my sin, my self and the worries of this world keep me from fully enjoying the source of life. i turn my back, afraid of being exposed. i would rather face the shadows and the cold than let others see what i am really made of...how flawed i really am.

i forget that the sun is most glorified when it is shining on creation. while the sun can't help but to expose our flaws, it is also absolutely necessary for growth...for abundant life. the sun has a purpose. we cannot deny the light. it will always illuminate our lives. everyone is exposed. everyone must face the sun.

retreat and reflect.

com·fort /ˈkʌmfərt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhm-fert]

verb
1. to soothe, console or reassure; to bring cheer to
2. to make physically comfortable

noun
1. relief in affliction; consolation; solace

so i've been thinking...

what is this "thing" inside of us that craves comfort? in times of emotional distress or a general sense of feeling overwhelmed, why do we retreat to that which is comfortable? is it possible to be comfortable in one arena of our lives, but not the others?

comfort goes beyond the tangible. yes, we can be physically comfortable...but what about in our emotions? our social situations? our environment?

why do we reach a point where all we desire is to feel comforted...to feel safe...to feel protected?

looking in my concordance, i found 114 references in the Bible to some version of the word 'comfort'....either as an action or gift from above in some form or fashion. Some of the stand-outs:

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you... - Isaiah 66:13

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life... - Psalm 119:50

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant... - Psalm 119:76

What does this speak of our desire for comfort...and more importantly, the source of our consolation?

i think it will take me a very long time to figure this one out...if ever on this side of Heaven. in the meantime, i am retreating and finding those sacred places of comfort knowing that there's Someone waiting for me.

eeeeee!

it's snowing. in chapel hill, north carolina.

there is an actual accumulation of snowage on the ground. i woke up, remembered the forecast and peeked outside...and lo! white! everywhere! granted, my view is limited to the lumberyard behind my house, but I WILL TAKE IT. kim (my roommate) and i are like small children, wishing for more and trying to come up with any excuse to sit with hot chocolate and watch the flakes fall. but alas, we are "grown-ups"...so work beckons both of us on this very cold morning down south.

...but you can't kill the joyful spirit in us, folks...you just can't...

please say hello to my amaryllis. i believe it is one of the most beautiful flowers i have ever seen. i've been thinking about this lovely little plant quite a bit as of late. i think there are some strong parallels between this plant's life and my own.

i purchased the bulb & pot a few days before i moved to north carolina. after i settled in down south, i planted the little guy, knowing that it would be 6-10 weeks before i would see a bud. i have faithfully watered my little friend by the window ever since...and i have been amazed at how quickly it has grown...and how TALL it has become. to think...once a little bulb...and now a beautiful thing to behold, set on this earth by the Creator for us to enjoy.

so where are the similarities between this sprout and laura?

well...i think that i was like the bulb before i moved to north carolina...and if i am honest, probably a few weeks after i relocated. i was hiding...in need of some nurture...knowing i had great things to offer this campus and the others involved in this ministry...but i knew it would take a little while. i needed space to grow...in my time.

and now? i think i can say with a great deal of confidence that i have grown in the past 3 months...i have blossomed (to continue with this flower-laura comparison). i am comfortable showing my true colors. i am eager to keep growing, to stand tall. i am more than willing to use the gifts God has given me if it brings glory to Him.

all of this hit me this past thursday night at our weekly Large Group meeting (a time of worship, prayer and teaching for everyone in the ministry). watching 250+ people file into the Great Hall and receiving hugs, smiles and words of affirmation made me stand back and thank the Good Lord that He has called me here for such a time as this. i am starting to see the fruit of His labor through me. i see my purpose. i see why it took a little bit of time for me to grow beyond the bulb. i know i am far from done with this process...but i can own it now with a little more confidence and assurance that there is always something good on the other side.

it's a good place to be.

The Voice.

i've been thinking quite a bit about the connection between mind-body-spirit. it's an amazing triad...much more complicated than i think i will ever understand. to think that our thoughts direct our physical responses or spiritual walk (or any other combination of the three) is truly a remarkable concept.

i grew up hearing that the mind is a powerful thing. perhaps this was because my brother and i had the awful tendency to internalize all of our stressors until they manifested themselves in our gastric system. basically we were two nervous kids who had trouble keeping the food down. have mercy on our souls around exam time or any other particularly stressful event.

we "grew out of it"...or maybe we just learned some good coping mechanisms. i would like to think we matured in our ability to handle stress. maybe we learned how to call a spade a spade...and move on. or is that avoidance?

truth be told, i think we both still face this struggle from time to time...no...wait...i KNOW we struggle with this powerful-mind gig on our gag reflexes.

i definitely believe that physical reactions to stress or anxiety are purposeful. it's the body's way of saying, "hey, dollface...wake up and deal with this issue before i implode."

so then how do i keep a tight grip on the mind and all of its thoughts and wanderings? how in the world do i stop the idle mind from becoming the proverbial devil's playground? how do i stop the "what ifs"...the "whys"...the predictions completely rooted in nothing solid or true?

i don't know about love...but i definitely think the mind is a battlefield.

and then there are the outside voices...how do i discern what is good and noble from that which just wants to confuse or question? where is God in all of that? i know He's there. i know He speaks through others. where is the line between unnecessary commentary and His word to His daughter?

i am learning what it means to seek His voice alone...the ONLY voice i really want to hear. i am learning to give Him control of my mind. i am learning to call out patterns of thought that stray away from His current plan for my life.

i don't know much...but what i do know is that i am learning the value of creating safe spaces in which to give in to this process. i am allowing myself the freedom to move through any number of emotions or physical reactions. i am confident that God is sowing these questions into my spiritual walk for a purpose...there is fruit to be harvested. i believe it.

so i wrestle. i think it's a good thing. i think it makes me that much stronger when i choose to stay in the battlefield. i think it prepares me for the Truth that is to come.

i think i just need some quiet. i want to be like elijah...i want to hear a whisper in the midst of mighty winds, earthquakes and fires...

and it’s just You and me here now
only You and me here now...

exhaling.

long time, no post. reasons? christmas...which quickly rolled over into some time in the Lou for urbana...followed by massive amounts of sleep...a little travel time back to chapel thrill...and even more time to process everything in my life (a huge task. i know this.)

i did have a pretty amazing job during urbana. i think i can say that now that it's over. historically, the IV interns of the world do not have the best job assignments (hall monitors/meal traffic directors/standing on the street corner guiding the "hoard of locusts" attending the conference)...i lucked out. well, i should say i sought out a pretty phenom job.

somehow, someway i got to be one of the 6 professional photographers documenting the conference for InterVarsity. i guess that's what happens when you email the head of media communications and ask (oh-so-sweetly) for a good job. it was a far cry from the weddings and other events i usually shoot...but it was grand. i quite enjoy getting to see things the average Joe Attendee wouldn't see...or at least seeing things differently through the lens of my camera. it was worship to me. and yes, there were moments i couldn't help but put the camera down by my side and give in full-force to the worship.

so there was that. 5 days behind the camera/backstage/hanging out with the likes of rick warren/chasing down attendees. i felt like i was working for my college newspaper again. i suppose those 2 years as photo editor paid off. who knew they would. one thing that makes me a little sad about my first urbana experience? i didn't really get to EXPERIENCE urbana. sure, i was documenting anything and everything...but i wasn't really "in it"...so the spiritual food i gleaned from urbana came much more from my personal relationships and interactions while in st. louis than from the amazing speakers/sessions InterVarsity booked. nonetheless, i am grateful for every way the Lord spoke to me during my stay in missouri.

so. it was back to williamsburg for 1.5 days. and then back to chapel hill to regroup....have some silence...kick back and prepare myself for this next semester. it's been lovely.

a few days of shopping/learning how to knit (i am one exciting 24-year-old)/meeting more 20-somethings/going to the movies alone (i actually do LOVE this)/good take-out food/some crashing-on-the-couch time...it's what i needed. i feel refreshed. i feel more like myself.

the biggest lesson the past few weeks? CONFIDENCE. that word comes up at least once a day in conversation with others or with God. i am still processing what this word means as reconciled to my life. i have a few ideas. we shall see...

and i am going to run with it. maybe even (dare i say...) run with confidence towards the throne? (a little hebrews 4 reference for ya.)

so this naturally-curly-haired 20-something is pretty excited about what's next. in every possible sense of the word. and the phrase i am living by?

IN HIS TIME.

amen. again, i will say...amen.