secret smiles.

being back home in williamsburg creates a whirlwind of emotions. right now? i am extremely thankful and joyful to be here...in this moment...

williamsburg, for all of its tourist-induced-glamor because of its rich history, really is timeless. outside of the streets of colonial williamsburg, there are certain things that never change. there is an amazing amount of comfort in that realization. comfort in consistency.

like the man who works at our local grocery store and has remained a faithful employee for as long as i can remember...always ready to give a smile or crack a joke...and ever-eager to serve.

or slipping back into old relationships...drinking coffee from the local cafe and walking around downtown late at night while completely absorbed in fantastic conversation, looking at old-fashioned christmas decorations and taking in the tiny street fires designed to keep us warm.

or my dad working his crossword puzzle on a sunday afternoon while watching old black and white movies.

or ridiculous humor and uncontrollable laughter in public places as best my mom, brother and i can manage. creating an entertaining scene is never a problem for us. i hope it never is...

or laying next to the christmas tree and remembering the significance of each ornament. second-grade art projects. sunday school gifts-for-mom.

i was afraid that the christmas season would pass me by again this year...but as i look over the past few weeks, and especially these past few days at home, i see that the christmas season can't possibly pass me by as long as i take a moment to stop and see the ways He is working in my life.

perhaps that's what the christmas season is about...being aware of everything around us. maybe to realize our blessings and be grateful for His presence. to think about everything that He means...and, coming to earth as a tiny babe, He really just wanted to love us....for us to love Him, to love others...and to give praise to Him for His birth...to thank Him for loving us enough to be with us. o come, immanuel...

my one last request this christmas season? to sing my favorite hymn tonight in church...

o holy night, the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear Saviour's birth
long lay the world in sin and error pining
till He appeared and the soul felt its worth
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
fall on your knees! oh hear the angel voices!
oh night divine! oh night when Christ was born!

whimsical = my new favorite word.

a couple of things i learned from this weekend:

1.) stuffing envelopes is infinitely better when done in the company of good friends...especially fellow staff workers who understand the necessity of said envelopes. and even better when topped off with egg nog milkshakes from cook out.

2.) the santa clause (movie) brings back great childhood memories. even if it does induce a certain amount of eye-rolling.

3.) mice have no shame. and they need to exit my household immediately. the eviction notice has been SERVED.

4.) i detest leaving a fine dining establishment and smelling like burned pancakes...especially if aforementioned dining establishment does not serve such breakfast fare.

5.) i can tolerate glitter. in small amounts.

6.) will ferrell is a comedic genius.

7.) i love hot tea before bed. especially when i am developing a tiny cough. cough.

8.) i miss my students. already.

9.) i am getting more and more excited about urbana. BRING. ON. THE. COLD. WEATHER.

10.) i am blessed beyond comprehension. He takes care of me in ways i can't even fathom. oh, come let us adore Him...

stars.

a few nights ago, i hit a moment. i knew i needed to do something. i needed to go somewhere. i felt anxious. and my head was clouded with thoughts. i needed fresh air. and in that moment, i missed my spot on the river back home.

i grabbed the keys and headed to my car...and i ended up driving around. all told, i put 70 miles on the camry. i listened to praise music and drove out to jordan lake. and i realized...what i really needed was a moment to feel how small i am...and how big He is.

i think that's why i love star-gazing so much. i feel tiny. everything is instantly put into perspective. i can step outside of myself and my own little worldview and realize just how Great our God is...and how He really does know what He's doing, even if i don't. i like that feeling.

so last night, i again jumped in the car (this time with a couple of friends) and drove out to a random little road in the middle of nowhere for the express purpose of watching a meteor shower. i had known about this upcoming celestial-feast-for-the-eyes for about a month...and i was honestly counting down the days until i could experience some of God's very own fireworks.

i saw a huge streak across the sky before we left...so i knew that once we got beyond the city lights, it would be grand.

we parked. got out of the car. laid down, faces heavenward...and waited.

and waited.

and then...they came. tiny ones....and huge streaks...and flashes of green light.

but they were there. and it made my soul ever-so-content.

and i think that's a pretty perfect picture of how God is operating in my life these days. i sit...looking to Him...and wait for the goodness to come...in any form or fashion...when i least expect it. and in the meantime, i get a pretty amazing display of His majesty.

praise God from Whom all blessings flow...

still dancing.

i have a small painting hanging in my apartment. it's a small flower with the words: "i get up. i walk. i fall down. meanwhile, i keep dancing."

i see this painting everyday. it has been hanging in my various places of residence over the past few years. it has only been within the past few weeks that this simple statement has had any meaning in my life.

i spoke with my good friend katie s. the other night. besides the fact that i adore her and our candid conversations, she gave me a profound thought i have spent some time working through and through...

"i am still tripping and stumbling through life and that's OK."

being a visual person (the whole art-major-thing should speak to this...), i quite enjoy any image i can glean from conversations. and i immediately saw myself walking down a sidewalk, tripping, falling forward, catching myself and then laughing my head off as i continued on my journey.

it feels good to laugh at myself. it feels good to give myself some grace every once in a while.

why can't i?

seriously...what is it that makes us so hard on ourselves? why can't we take a few stumbles in stride, realize it's a part of life, laugh and enjoy the walk?

"i need Your grace to remind me to find my own." - snow patrol

i am close to entering into my 25th year of life. why the pressure to have it all together? it's self-induced, that's for sure. that's part of the journey, right? navigating this crazy path full of moments designed to trip us up...reasons to duck for cover...forks in the road...slippery, unsteady steps...

i am learning to delight in the things i don't know. in the things that force me to slow down. in the things that throw me a little off course.

whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'this is the way; walk in it...' - isaiah 30:21

something tells me that walk wasn't without a few moments of humility...

i want to be fully used by Him.

that means tripping, falling down, rolling over, looking up at the sky, laughing at myself and saying, "ok, God...i get it...do with me what You will...even if that means looking like a fool from time to time..."

i lay it down.

our determination to fully trust no one must die and an eager willingness to receive what is best from others and to give what is best from within ourselves must take place. that only happens when people feel loved, safe enough to face their dependency, trusting enough to enjoy what someone else gives, and courageous enough to offer who they truly are to another. - the safest place on earth (crabb)

the past two weeks have been intense...not only for my personal walk with Him, but within our chapter as students face academic obligations and struggles within their own faith journeys.

in the face of this somewhat overwhelming time, i have been confronted continually with the idea of vulnerability and the need for open, honest communication.

it seems to me that is it is ridiculously true that when we feel most broken or confused we isolate ourselves and mutter, "it's just you and me, God." we are afraid of being weak in front of others...we are scared of what someone might think if we let them see just how broken we are...and we don't like the thought of developing accountability because sometimes it's just easier to sit in our darkness.

sometimes we even leave God out of the equation and try to operate out of our own strength...either out of pride or lack of awareness about His purpose in our healing. this never gets us anywhere. (can i get an amen?!)

is it not possible that God sometimes cries out to us to lay down our brokenness before one another?

generally, i feel under attack after a particularly difficult conversation. if i have opened myself up (even a little), i walk away thinking, "i shouldn't have said that...i said too much...i wish i could rephrase that...i revealed too much of my struggle..."

of COURSE i would feel that attack. the Enemy doesn't want us to live out what we have been designed for...community. our original intention was for relationship both with God and with each other...and this includes moments of complete humility and vulnerability. it means that we can lay our junk before another without the fear of condemnation or judgment...and that we will be loved.

does this always happen? no. we are sinful people indeed and sometimes we let ourselves get in the way of God. however, in those amazing relationships where such God-directed openness occurs, we are truly glorifying Him and living out our original design.

it is taking me some time to realize the value of my vulnerability.

to have a dear friend look me in the eye and say, "i want to listen" has been one of the most powerful moments in the last few days. there is release. there is freedom in knowing that i can lay it down before another, knowing i will be loved...i will be prayed for...i am valued even in my brokenness.

has He not come to bind up the brokenhearted? (isaiah 61)

if that is so (and i believe it is with all of my might)...then we must admit when our heart is broken and be willing to be bound to another in all of their brokenness, too, to receive release from darkness.

"...one of the aspects of genuine, healthy relatedness is that people don't hide their vulnerability from one another and are not ashamed of who they are before each other." - how people grow (cloud & townsend)

i am learning to delight in allowing someone the chance to "carry another's burden"...and i see how such an act of letting others pour Truth into me overflows into others...builds my character as a woman of Him...and begins the process of putting my heart back together again...

go all in. hold nothing back.

it's already november 15th. in a mere matter of days, i will celebrate my one month anniversary as a north carolinian. where has the time gone?

i spent monday and tuesday with the other interns of our region...we gathered in greensboro to debrief about our experiences thus far on campus. it was an intense time of personal sharing and affirmation that we are not alone in this entire process. i didn't know how much i needed to hear that.

one of our area directors did a fantastic job of confirming our calling to staff while making sure that we are maintaining our relationship with the Lord outside of our meetings with students and committments on campus.

"God is more concerned about who you are becoming than with what you're doing." - john hanna

it was an incredible thing to hear. i confess...there are days when i am more concerned about what's on my calendar than i am with how i am doing with my Lord...and then i am swiftly drawn back to the Cross and His promises for my life...the miracles He has performed and how much He desires me.

simply put: i can't make it without Him. i have nothing to offer outside of Him. my pursual of Him must be my very first priority.

that said, today was an incredible day of sitting in starbucks for hours on end meeting with students and getting to know them and their struggles while realizing that my vulnerability is necessary, as well. it's OK that i don't have all of the answers and that i am still trying to figure things out for myself.

more than anything, i want my students to know that i, too, have questions that only God can answer...that i search the Scriptures to find the Truth...that there are things i still don't understand and that that is OK...more than OK...because i cling to the promise that He will guide me to knowledge in His timing.

one thing i am learning how to reconcile: student's political agendas in the face of their faith. i have never personally been around strong Christians who are extemely involved in activism or politics that might differ from the typical Christian viewpoint and carolina is a much different college culture than james madison. carolina students are extremely vocal about their political parties and social justice. some of the conversations i have had recently have left me with an almost jaw-dropping response....not in judgment or disbelief, but more like... "whoa...i have never heard that before!"

i am intrigued beyond description. i would love to sit and listen to people outline their political views in conjuction with their faith and how Scripture ties into it all. more than that, i am excited to see how God continues to open my eyes/heart to students vastly different than what i have experienced in my own journey.

i want to be stretched. i want to be challenged. i want to see how God works through His people in various ways and through differing outlets. i know this campus will provide such a means for Him to work in me.

the one thing i do know? God is good. always. infinitely. meditate on that.

predictions and poetry.

as predicted, my walk back from the coffee shop was indeed pleasant and peppered with little moments that reminded me of why i needed a day such as this.

stopping off at the bookshop on franklin street, i spent a good amount of time perusing the poetry section until i found the right billy collins collection.

flipping through, i found the following passage in a poem entitled questions about angels...and it made me smile...

if an angel delivered the mail, would he arrive
in a blinding rush of wings or would he just assume
the appearance of the regular mailman and
whistle up the driveway reading the postcards?

what a great image. makes me want to greet my mailman with a little more enthusiasm come monday morning.

and in light of my earlier post, i came across a profound thought in one of the books i am reading for my intern study program. the book investigates the idea that we are created for spiritual community and that the church has a responsibility to create such an environment of brokenness, vulnerability and shared growth...and somehow, my thoughts on loneliness are a little easier to swallow...

[...the experience of every pilgrim who honestly pursues the Lord...] the path to joy of God's presence always leads through joyless isolation, when the part of us that most longs for connection is left painfully alone. - larry crabb, the safest place on earth

a long walk.

all this feels strange and untrue...and i won't waste a minute without You... - snow patrol

i find myself in a strange new territory. i am alone. it's a conflicting emotion. i know it is completely necessary right now. i predicted this transition to chapel hill would present a plethora of challenges. it is my reaction to them that causes the surprise.

yes, i cannot lie. i do sometimes grieve the thought that my dearest friends (the ones who know the true LD...flaws and all) are no longer a quick trip over the cantrell bridge plus or minus a few turns. that is not to say i am in want of companions within the triangle. my isolation stems from the sobering thought that these amazing individuals do not truly know what makes this chick tick. maybe they aren't supposed to...not in the same way...and if they are, i am not naive enough to think that such relationships do not take some time to build a foundation of honesty and vulnerability.

i am coming off of an extremely intense six months. i am still healing. my skin is still fairly thin. the fun-loving, cheerful, ridiculous side of me has been asleep for some time...and i am still trying to wake her up. i think that this process is OK. i am learning how to let myself go through the necessary emotions instead of pushing-on-through without stopping to appreciate the personal growth. one of my friends asked recently, "so how do we move forward from here?" recognizing that we are both in this strange middleground in-between the last phase of our life into the next. i can't answer that question. i don't even know if there is an adequate answer. what i do know is that my life is profoundly different than it was four weeks ago. this life-altering change is taking its time to settle in.

i think this loneliness is merely a symptom of this process. i believe this is God's very real way of drawing me to Himself. He alone will satisfy this longing for true companionship. while time with my family and friends may provide temporary relief, i am keenly aware that it is the daily recognition of His presence in my life that will heal this empty spot i perceive in my life.

if i am honest with myself, i have felt this isolation before - even in the company of the loves of my life. i suppose the difference is that this isolation is supremely more tangible. case-in-point: i am currently occupying a table for one at a local coffee shop, listening to my ipod and releasing these thoughts. and while i sit here venting about the reality of my situation, today feels different.

today is a concentrated effort to return to laura...throwing on the flip-flops and sunglasses and grabbing my big red bag, i walked out of my apartment - armed with my favorite tools of creativity and the expectation that i would explore my new neighborhood the best way i know how...through the lens of my camera.

my favorite part of the adventure so far: standing still on the sidewalk as a strong wind caused hundreds of leaves to fall around me. in that moment, i didn't feel so alone. i am praying that the walk back from the coffee shop provides another such moment.

i don't doubt that He will pull through...

wow.

i think it finally hit this morning that i am indeed on staff. it hit while writing letters to my mom and step-dad. somehow that made it real...well, that combined with the fact that i have been attending meetings, set up my master schedule for the week, made appointments with students and did some serious data entry regarding our chapter retreat.

but it's true. i am here. i am on staff.

the victory is HIS.

He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. - deuteronomy 10:21

my mom sent me that verse this morning...and it's pretty incredible because it's incredibly true.

i like my life down here in north carolina. i am extremely pleased. yes, i miss my family and friends...but i am gaining some pretty fantastic relationships (yay for staff bonding over spaghetti and football) and i know i am doing what i was created to do.

that's a remarkable feeling, if you ask me.

my newest biblical desire: to really understand the story of esther.
my newest snack obsession: gala apples & peanut butter.
why i love living in the south: sweet tea EVERYWHERE.
amused by: the lumber yard directly outside of my bedroom window & the man driving the forklift.
can't stop listening to: jason morant

north carolina? what?

my thought today while walking around barnes & noble...

holy cannoli. i am in north carolina. i am not just visting. i live here. a little more than a week ago, i didn't think this was possible. oh my goodness. it actually happened.

.........

in february, i was hired to go on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. in march, i attended training for how to raise my budget, much like a missionary. in may, i began that process full throttle. i have spent the last 6 months back home attempting to raise 100% of my budget...it has been the most intense 6 months of my life...incredibly bittersweet...incredibly humbling...and a period in my life i will always look back on with incredible awe at what God did during those summer months...

october 15th: my deadline to reach 75% of my goal or else i would most likely not go on staff...and as of october 12th, i had 58%. it was not looking good...but somehow, God transformed my feeble thinking from "impossible" by saying, "look at what i can do, laura..."

in a matter of 48 hours...with literally just HOURS until my deadline...God provided $10,000 more to my 58%...bringing me to 89% of my budget.

the testimony is crazy-good...weaving together past hurts now used for His glory and through people i didn't think would stand beside me.

it's all a little too much to write in a blog...besides, i like hearing people's reactions to how amazing our GREAT God is through all of this.

so here i sit. in my apartment in chapel hill, north carolina...about to start work with IVCF...beginning an adventure i have been anticipating for 9 months.

it's a little surreal...i am still waiting for it all to sink in...

and so i begin my new life...and it's rather lovely.

praise God from whom ALL blessings flow

see. the. good.

christy (twin) challenged me to write down 25 praises. she says i need this right now. i came up with a few more than 25. i look forward to adding to this.

here it goes.

1. harvest renewal church - fellowship, worship, prayer, family
2. board games with mama & jj
3. entertaining conversations with JM
4. friendship with CE
5. reminders of my beauty from other beauties in my life
6. twin's amazing students; recognition of her gifts
7. timeless relationships
8. new men in my life - amazing new brothers - cowboys and pool sharks
9. music that allows me to connect to Him
10. B's peace in the midst of confusion
11. snail mail
12. big transitions in life (new jobs, moving, marriage, babies...)
13. comfort in consistency
14. creativity; various outlets
15. my family. all of them.
16. real conversations, tough testimonies, vulnerability, moments of silence
17. recurring phrases - God is a God of abundance... it's already done... He is a mighty warrior
18. being a woman and enjoying feminine things
19. nighttime strolls, solo drives, river moments
20. learning to claim His promises and make them my own
21. fund development phone calls and encouragement from strangers
22. freedom to travel; the possibility of overseas
23. old hole-in-the-wall diners in downtown richmond
24. annointings
25. reminders of how BIG He is and how much He loves me
26. quiet moments with skye
27. soft music on cloudy days
28. candlelight
29. wednesday nights in williamsburg
30. futon conversations with JB
31. the coolness in the air with fall
32. restoration...

quiet.

my spot. it's very quiet today - only a few fishermen and random couples stopping to stretch their legs and take in the james river. i am lying in the shade - not too hot or cold. it's perfect. today has been a good day. i swam again - after weeks of sheer laziness - and the second i plunged underwater, i thought "why did you stay away for so long?" i think my soul even took a deep breath. i forgot how much i missed the silence in the swish of the water.

i wanted to check out the new cafe in town - and the need to write my thank-you cards was the perfect excuse. it wasn't what i expected. someone rushed over to me as soon as i walked in the door to seat me...like a real restaurant and i knew i wasn't in my kind of coffee shop. i was given a menu. all i wanted was coffee - that's all i could afford and even that was $2.40...for one cup. i was surrounded by people in business suits talking about interest rates and equity loans - a language i don't understand. it's owned by an older european woman who came out from the kitchen and shook my hand. apparently she personally greets all of her customers. the art on the walls was definitely unique - not my taste - but i could appreciate the dedication to detail. all in all, it was too upscale for me and i felt somewhat out of place in my ripped jeans and flip flops.

my spot feels better. surrounded by weeds and large bugs that buzz every few seconds. down the hill on the beach, i hear a woman giggling and i wonder what amuses her. the coast guard helicopters are running through training exercises across the river and the clouds are getting bigger and bigger - my favorite indication of a pending thunderstorm. a man on a bike rides by - singing a love song. my own frank sinatra in spandex.

as i write this, i realize my need for moments like this. moments of silence - isolation from the rest of the world. in the fight or flight mode of life, i am running. i am retreating. maybe it's self-preservation. this little pillar of strength isn't so tall these days. that's ok.

so i run. to Him. because that's the only place i want to be...

prophetic.

his foot couldn't stop shaking while he listened. i could tell he was uncomfortable and a little nervous to be in that small church. everyone around him was speaking loud praises to God...singing Scripture...waving their hands...kneeling down on the wooden floor. i couldn't hold back, though. i stood and raised my hands, closed my eyes and sang with everything in me.

i lost touch with the world for a few minutes and snapped back once i realized the pastor now had a hold on him. his arms around his shoulders, speaking into his ear. i sat down. i could only hear a few phrases every now and again over the music and prayers. i wanted to listen but i knew it wasn't my moment.

i smiled.

i had been praying for a broken shell. a penetration of the Holy Spirit. a refreshing touch from above. i wanted him to experience God like i do. better than i do. i wanted him to feel the Presence. i prayed that God would be BIG tonight.

He delivered. and rocked him to the core. maybe that's why his foot couldn't stop shaking.

it was perfect. because it was His word. it was His direction.

i walked away with a few seeds of my own...bits of divine knowledge i will subsequently journal through and through. and she walked away with a greater understanding of thankfulness and what that means for the day-to-day.

He never ceases to amaze me. He never ceases to remind me of His power and presence.

tonight was a good night. hallelujah.

back to the basics...

it's been an interesting couple of weeks. things slowed down in the everyday sense of the word...and with that extra time on my hands, i began to panic somewhat.

i finally realized that i needed to step away from all things fund development for a few days and just pray/spend time in the Word. and i did. and it was intense.

but it wasn't enough, sad to say...because i was still dwelling on FD and money and logistics and phone calls and everything. bah.

i knew i needed prayer and encouragement...so it was off to richmond to meet with my pastor. and that's exactly what i got. testimony after testimony of God's faithfulness and provision. and prayer...lots of honest, affirming, confident prayer.

it's august 22...and i would love to say that i am moving to chapel hill in the next few weeks, but alas...God has other plans.

i am at 36% of my budget...and the only thing that can make that happen would be miracles from the Lord.

and you know what? i truly believe that miracles will happen soon. i know He will provide. i don't question it anymore. i choose to declare that He will take care of my needs.

100% is no big deal for Him. so now i am learning to abide in Him...trying to figure out exactly what that means...and how i can trust Him for all of it.

God will provide....and again i will say, God will provide.

learning to see...

so. things are finally slowing down a bit. i am home...and i plan on staying that way for a few weeks. PRAISE THE LORD. i like the idea of sleeping in my own bed for more than 3-4 days at a time. anyway.

this past weekend i spent some time in tennessee for my family reunion. it happens every 2 years...and i haven't been in a while because of summer school (yay for trying to finish grad school as soon as possible) so it was good to go and see everyone. i ended up giving a presentation to my family, seeking prayerful and financial support for next year.

not a single response.

and you know? it was OK. it was MORE than OK because God immediately showed me the blessings that spawned out of that experience, such as being able to share my testimony with my family, some time with my aunt during which a few tears fell and the opportunity to walk down to the water's edge and release it all.

as hard as it was at the time to walk away with no support, i am beginning to see the greater purposes in these negative responses. i know God has so much more than He needs to work through with me. i am ready.

i took a few days off from fund development last week...and i spent that time painting, working in my art book and journaling...it was hard to walk away...but ultimately extremely good for my soul. i needed to retreat and allow myself to worship the Lord through my art. so i have started a series of paintings...and they all include trees...i am still trying to figure out why and what that means biblically for me...we shall see.

this week is pretty low-key for me. i intend to spend some major time in prayer...for so many things.

what i want to study: faith like a mustard seed.

what i am thankful for: the fact that God doesn't give up on me...amazing friends who walk beside me and support me...my mom's jokes that make me smile...conversations that are tough, but refining...new praise music that brings joy to my heart...

current favorite verse: yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. for the Lord is a God of justice. blessed are all who wait for him! - isaiah 30:18

step by step...

flames.

so i have had quite a few people ask about my fund development endeavors. my response? "it's a refiner's fire. and i am grateful because i wouldn't rely on the Lord like i do without this challenge." and that's the truth.

i have had some successful appointments & phone calls. and it is becoming easier to share my passion. sure, there are still those moments when i stare at the phone and make up an excuse as to why i am NOT calling Mr. X...but those ridiculous times are fewer and far between.

as each day passes, i become more and more excited about next year. i had a friend ask me recently if i feel excited or if i am holding off on the excitement until i know my funding will come in.

good question. and three months ago, i would have answered that i was holding off on the excitement. but i have come to realize that doing so is really just great mistrust in the Lord. and i choose to trust. i think He WANTS me to be excited so that His provision and blessing is that much sweeter. i can't ask the "what if the money doesn't come in?" because that means i am relying on myself and my own doing...and not Him.

and i can't do that. i don't want any part of that. i choose Him. i choose faith that moves mountains. or money.

and when it comes down to it, none of this is about percentages or budgets or how much money i will get per month. it comes down to my relationship with my Jesus. and that is more valuable than any figure interVarsity could give me.

my new favorite verse? romans 11:29...for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable.

that is the truth that i choose to walk in as i continue this challenge.

and what makes this journey even sweeter is the incredible relationships that have formed because of this calling. walking side-by-side with the other interns who are dealing with the same emotions/spiritual challenges makes me smile at how GOOD God is...and how much He wants to take care of us. by any means.

i take all of this in.
i see the purpose in it.
i revel in His goodness.
and i praise Him for His faithfulness.

wide awake.

it's 12:55 in the morning. watching pride & prejudice and thinking about what needs to get done tomorrow.

in all of my phone calls to potential donors, i am discovering that some of my letters never made it to their final destination....say whaaaaaaat? this is a somewhat scary thought...which inevitably causes the "how many other mailboxes stayed hungry for my letter of love?!" panic attack...and then i am reminded...

He is in control. i am not.

He knows exactly what He is doing. i don't.

He is perfect. i am far from that adjective.

and i calm down...return to my strange love affair with elizabeth bennet and mr. darcy. and all is well with the world.

i had an appointment earlier today...and it went really well...even before i knocked on their front door.

a little story of God's faithfulness and my stupidity (all wrapped up in one fabulous tale!):

i was on my way to the appointment and i was running a little late, so i decided to pass some slow-pokes in front of the LA MBL. except that i decided to do this in a no-passing zone...and didn't realize that one of the cars coming towards me just so happened to be a state tropper.

faaaaaaaaaaaabulous.

of course he stops in the middle of the road, turns around, races up behind me and pulls this now-freaking-out laura over. great.

weirdest reaction ever? i start laughing...hysterically...and i believe i started singing tracy chapman's "fast car" in my head. anyway. by the time Officer Speedtrap gets to my window, i am cheesing like a 4-year-old with no teeth smiling for her preschool photo. and the officer? he is laughing, too. i am already armed with my license and registration...which he takes...asks where i am going so fast...and then i think, "do i tell him i am on my way to ask for financial support for God's ministry...or no." i opt for, "i was on my way to a meeting...and i am late...no excuse, i know." he looks around. hands me my license again. and says, "this is your lucky day, kid. slow down." and WALKS AWAY.

whaaaaaaaaat?! i was going 34 miles over the speed limit when he caught me...granted, i was passing people...but COME ON. i could have easily landed in court over that stupid mistake...and yet God is GOOD and lets me drive away with my record unscathed.

it was a christmas miracle. in july.

i laughed the entire way to the appointment...praying...laughing some more.

i learned my lesson.

God's timing is infinitely better than mine. even on the road.

aaaaaamen.

home. and overwhelmed.

well, i am home from orientation for new staff (ONS) in madison, wisconsin. that was the longest and best 10 days of my summer thus far. why madison? that's where interVarsity's headquarters reside...but i still don't know how they landed in wisconsin. perhaps there are some mysteries i will never solve.

so. it was 10 days of fund development training...meeting amazing new people...visiting the national office...bonding with my region and small group...eating fantastic amounts of ethnic food...training in developing multiethnic witnessing communities within our chapters...tough conflicts/conversations...facing things from my past that i *thought* i had reconciled...and tons and tons of prayer.

it was exactly what i needed.

God never ceases to amaze me. He has spoken to me on various fronts...and i am ready to hear more.

so i am home. to continue my fund development...but with a few more amazing people to walk beside me.

and i see His provision.

so i think i am really learning to stop asking "what if" and proclaiming "let go" instead.

thanks be to God and God alone.

how i roll.

so.

a sizable chunk of my letters have been mailed...and i will send a few more tomorrow. *phew*

now begins the daily checkage of the mailbox to see God's provision arrive through the united states postal service.

i have not been able to secure a part-time job...leaving me somewhat stir-crazy as i adapt to a different set of activities to keep me occupied.

i spend every morning doing laps at the community pool...helping little ladies that have in fact stated "i've fallen and i can't get up" all the while dodging creepy men in the speedos. it's a grand time.

so i believe this summer is about getting the LaLa in check: mind, body and soul. that's my job.

when not fiddling around williamsburg, i bounce up to richmond to hang out with my twin and assorted church folk.

and this has gotten me very excited about meeting amazing amounts of new people next year.

THAT, my friends, keeps me amped up and ready for Him.

aquatics.

a day in the life of moi:

wake up around 8:30 or 9
put on the old swimsuit, grab the towel and keys...and out the door
swim alongside all of the retired folk in williamsburg at the rec center
come home...make lunch for me and the mama
watch some of my favorite cooking shows on the food network
shower/organize my life
work on fundraising letters
dinner
more organization/wasting away in front of a movie
phone calls
sleep

yup.

so it ends and begins...

i am home.

and overwhelmed by many things...much of which involves finding space for the amazing amounts of belongings i have accrued in the past six years. that's what my summer in williamsburg means to me...putting my past away and making room for what's next.

i am not going to lie. i am still emotional...even ridiculous lifetime movies are causing the tears to flow. and it hasn't even been a week since i kissed harrisonburg goodbye. but that's OK. i am learning how to grieve...in front of others.

and it's not even harrisonburg that i will miss...it will be what it did for me...through everyone and everything. even leaving the lighthouse was hard...and not because i want to keep living in that old house. it occured to me the moment i passed my frame in the upstairs hallway. i collaged the word 'beauty' among other elements, well before i conquered that demon in my life...and i realized that it was within the walls of the lighthouse that i learned how to be beautiful for Him.

those are the moments i am embracing and tucking away for safe keeping.

my current encouragement comes from the beloved nelly...

i praise the Lord for what i consider to be your big "LET GO" because your leap of faith speaks volumes to me about shooting for the stars and letting God take you to that one place in the universe where He would have you be. what a place it's going to be! how He's going to use you!

so i guess that is what this summer is all about.

letting go.

contemplating His path for me.

having faith big enough to just sit in His shadow and let Him mold me.

in looking back through my journal, i came across a poem i wrote a couple of months ago. only now does it seem relevant.

and when i think of you, i smile.
in remembrance.
in hope.
of what was.
and is to come.
and i feel at home.

Lord, make me ready.

hit it.