a long walk.

all this feels strange and untrue...and i won't waste a minute without You... - snow patrol

i find myself in a strange new territory. i am alone. it's a conflicting emotion. i know it is completely necessary right now. i predicted this transition to chapel hill would present a plethora of challenges. it is my reaction to them that causes the surprise.

yes, i cannot lie. i do sometimes grieve the thought that my dearest friends (the ones who know the true LD...flaws and all) are no longer a quick trip over the cantrell bridge plus or minus a few turns. that is not to say i am in want of companions within the triangle. my isolation stems from the sobering thought that these amazing individuals do not truly know what makes this chick tick. maybe they aren't supposed to...not in the same way...and if they are, i am not naive enough to think that such relationships do not take some time to build a foundation of honesty and vulnerability.

i am coming off of an extremely intense six months. i am still healing. my skin is still fairly thin. the fun-loving, cheerful, ridiculous side of me has been asleep for some time...and i am still trying to wake her up. i think that this process is OK. i am learning how to let myself go through the necessary emotions instead of pushing-on-through without stopping to appreciate the personal growth. one of my friends asked recently, "so how do we move forward from here?" recognizing that we are both in this strange middleground in-between the last phase of our life into the next. i can't answer that question. i don't even know if there is an adequate answer. what i do know is that my life is profoundly different than it was four weeks ago. this life-altering change is taking its time to settle in.

i think this loneliness is merely a symptom of this process. i believe this is God's very real way of drawing me to Himself. He alone will satisfy this longing for true companionship. while time with my family and friends may provide temporary relief, i am keenly aware that it is the daily recognition of His presence in my life that will heal this empty spot i perceive in my life.

if i am honest with myself, i have felt this isolation before - even in the company of the loves of my life. i suppose the difference is that this isolation is supremely more tangible. case-in-point: i am currently occupying a table for one at a local coffee shop, listening to my ipod and releasing these thoughts. and while i sit here venting about the reality of my situation, today feels different.

today is a concentrated effort to return to laura...throwing on the flip-flops and sunglasses and grabbing my big red bag, i walked out of my apartment - armed with my favorite tools of creativity and the expectation that i would explore my new neighborhood the best way i know how...through the lens of my camera.

my favorite part of the adventure so far: standing still on the sidewalk as a strong wind caused hundreds of leaves to fall around me. in that moment, i didn't feel so alone. i am praying that the walk back from the coffee shop provides another such moment.

i don't doubt that He will pull through...