go all in. hold nothing back.

it's already november 15th. in a mere matter of days, i will celebrate my one month anniversary as a north carolinian. where has the time gone?

i spent monday and tuesday with the other interns of our region...we gathered in greensboro to debrief about our experiences thus far on campus. it was an intense time of personal sharing and affirmation that we are not alone in this entire process. i didn't know how much i needed to hear that.

one of our area directors did a fantastic job of confirming our calling to staff while making sure that we are maintaining our relationship with the Lord outside of our meetings with students and committments on campus.

"God is more concerned about who you are becoming than with what you're doing." - john hanna

it was an incredible thing to hear. i confess...there are days when i am more concerned about what's on my calendar than i am with how i am doing with my Lord...and then i am swiftly drawn back to the Cross and His promises for my life...the miracles He has performed and how much He desires me.

simply put: i can't make it without Him. i have nothing to offer outside of Him. my pursual of Him must be my very first priority.

that said, today was an incredible day of sitting in starbucks for hours on end meeting with students and getting to know them and their struggles while realizing that my vulnerability is necessary, as well. it's OK that i don't have all of the answers and that i am still trying to figure things out for myself.

more than anything, i want my students to know that i, too, have questions that only God can answer...that i search the Scriptures to find the Truth...that there are things i still don't understand and that that is OK...more than OK...because i cling to the promise that He will guide me to knowledge in His timing.

one thing i am learning how to reconcile: student's political agendas in the face of their faith. i have never personally been around strong Christians who are extemely involved in activism or politics that might differ from the typical Christian viewpoint and carolina is a much different college culture than james madison. carolina students are extremely vocal about their political parties and social justice. some of the conversations i have had recently have left me with an almost jaw-dropping response....not in judgment or disbelief, but more like... "whoa...i have never heard that before!"

i am intrigued beyond description. i would love to sit and listen to people outline their political views in conjuction with their faith and how Scripture ties into it all. more than that, i am excited to see how God continues to open my eyes/heart to students vastly different than what i have experienced in my own journey.

i want to be stretched. i want to be challenged. i want to see how God works through His people in various ways and through differing outlets. i know this campus will provide such a means for Him to work in me.

the one thing i do know? God is good. always. infinitely. meditate on that.

predictions and poetry.

as predicted, my walk back from the coffee shop was indeed pleasant and peppered with little moments that reminded me of why i needed a day such as this.

stopping off at the bookshop on franklin street, i spent a good amount of time perusing the poetry section until i found the right billy collins collection.

flipping through, i found the following passage in a poem entitled questions about angels...and it made me smile...

if an angel delivered the mail, would he arrive
in a blinding rush of wings or would he just assume
the appearance of the regular mailman and
whistle up the driveway reading the postcards?

what a great image. makes me want to greet my mailman with a little more enthusiasm come monday morning.

and in light of my earlier post, i came across a profound thought in one of the books i am reading for my intern study program. the book investigates the idea that we are created for spiritual community and that the church has a responsibility to create such an environment of brokenness, vulnerability and shared growth...and somehow, my thoughts on loneliness are a little easier to swallow...

[...the experience of every pilgrim who honestly pursues the Lord...] the path to joy of God's presence always leads through joyless isolation, when the part of us that most longs for connection is left painfully alone. - larry crabb, the safest place on earth

a long walk.

all this feels strange and untrue...and i won't waste a minute without You... - snow patrol

i find myself in a strange new territory. i am alone. it's a conflicting emotion. i know it is completely necessary right now. i predicted this transition to chapel hill would present a plethora of challenges. it is my reaction to them that causes the surprise.

yes, i cannot lie. i do sometimes grieve the thought that my dearest friends (the ones who know the true LD...flaws and all) are no longer a quick trip over the cantrell bridge plus or minus a few turns. that is not to say i am in want of companions within the triangle. my isolation stems from the sobering thought that these amazing individuals do not truly know what makes this chick tick. maybe they aren't supposed to...not in the same way...and if they are, i am not naive enough to think that such relationships do not take some time to build a foundation of honesty and vulnerability.

i am coming off of an extremely intense six months. i am still healing. my skin is still fairly thin. the fun-loving, cheerful, ridiculous side of me has been asleep for some time...and i am still trying to wake her up. i think that this process is OK. i am learning how to let myself go through the necessary emotions instead of pushing-on-through without stopping to appreciate the personal growth. one of my friends asked recently, "so how do we move forward from here?" recognizing that we are both in this strange middleground in-between the last phase of our life into the next. i can't answer that question. i don't even know if there is an adequate answer. what i do know is that my life is profoundly different than it was four weeks ago. this life-altering change is taking its time to settle in.

i think this loneliness is merely a symptom of this process. i believe this is God's very real way of drawing me to Himself. He alone will satisfy this longing for true companionship. while time with my family and friends may provide temporary relief, i am keenly aware that it is the daily recognition of His presence in my life that will heal this empty spot i perceive in my life.

if i am honest with myself, i have felt this isolation before - even in the company of the loves of my life. i suppose the difference is that this isolation is supremely more tangible. case-in-point: i am currently occupying a table for one at a local coffee shop, listening to my ipod and releasing these thoughts. and while i sit here venting about the reality of my situation, today feels different.

today is a concentrated effort to return to laura...throwing on the flip-flops and sunglasses and grabbing my big red bag, i walked out of my apartment - armed with my favorite tools of creativity and the expectation that i would explore my new neighborhood the best way i know how...through the lens of my camera.

my favorite part of the adventure so far: standing still on the sidewalk as a strong wind caused hundreds of leaves to fall around me. in that moment, i didn't feel so alone. i am praying that the walk back from the coffee shop provides another such moment.

i don't doubt that He will pull through...

wow.

i think it finally hit this morning that i am indeed on staff. it hit while writing letters to my mom and step-dad. somehow that made it real...well, that combined with the fact that i have been attending meetings, set up my master schedule for the week, made appointments with students and did some serious data entry regarding our chapter retreat.

but it's true. i am here. i am on staff.

the victory is HIS.

He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. - deuteronomy 10:21

my mom sent me that verse this morning...and it's pretty incredible because it's incredibly true.

i like my life down here in north carolina. i am extremely pleased. yes, i miss my family and friends...but i am gaining some pretty fantastic relationships (yay for staff bonding over spaghetti and football) and i know i am doing what i was created to do.

that's a remarkable feeling, if you ask me.

my newest biblical desire: to really understand the story of esther.
my newest snack obsession: gala apples & peanut butter.
why i love living in the south: sweet tea EVERYWHERE.
amused by: the lumber yard directly outside of my bedroom window & the man driving the forklift.
can't stop listening to: jason morant

north carolina? what?

my thought today while walking around barnes & noble...

holy cannoli. i am in north carolina. i am not just visting. i live here. a little more than a week ago, i didn't think this was possible. oh my goodness. it actually happened.

.........

in february, i was hired to go on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. in march, i attended training for how to raise my budget, much like a missionary. in may, i began that process full throttle. i have spent the last 6 months back home attempting to raise 100% of my budget...it has been the most intense 6 months of my life...incredibly bittersweet...incredibly humbling...and a period in my life i will always look back on with incredible awe at what God did during those summer months...

october 15th: my deadline to reach 75% of my goal or else i would most likely not go on staff...and as of october 12th, i had 58%. it was not looking good...but somehow, God transformed my feeble thinking from "impossible" by saying, "look at what i can do, laura..."

in a matter of 48 hours...with literally just HOURS until my deadline...God provided $10,000 more to my 58%...bringing me to 89% of my budget.

the testimony is crazy-good...weaving together past hurts now used for His glory and through people i didn't think would stand beside me.

it's all a little too much to write in a blog...besides, i like hearing people's reactions to how amazing our GREAT God is through all of this.

so here i sit. in my apartment in chapel hill, north carolina...about to start work with IVCF...beginning an adventure i have been anticipating for 9 months.

it's a little surreal...i am still waiting for it all to sink in...

and so i begin my new life...and it's rather lovely.

praise God from whom ALL blessings flow

see. the. good.

christy (twin) challenged me to write down 25 praises. she says i need this right now. i came up with a few more than 25. i look forward to adding to this.

here it goes.

1. harvest renewal church - fellowship, worship, prayer, family
2. board games with mama & jj
3. entertaining conversations with JM
4. friendship with CE
5. reminders of my beauty from other beauties in my life
6. twin's amazing students; recognition of her gifts
7. timeless relationships
8. new men in my life - amazing new brothers - cowboys and pool sharks
9. music that allows me to connect to Him
10. B's peace in the midst of confusion
11. snail mail
12. big transitions in life (new jobs, moving, marriage, babies...)
13. comfort in consistency
14. creativity; various outlets
15. my family. all of them.
16. real conversations, tough testimonies, vulnerability, moments of silence
17. recurring phrases - God is a God of abundance... it's already done... He is a mighty warrior
18. being a woman and enjoying feminine things
19. nighttime strolls, solo drives, river moments
20. learning to claim His promises and make them my own
21. fund development phone calls and encouragement from strangers
22. freedom to travel; the possibility of overseas
23. old hole-in-the-wall diners in downtown richmond
24. annointings
25. reminders of how BIG He is and how much He loves me
26. quiet moments with skye
27. soft music on cloudy days
28. candlelight
29. wednesday nights in williamsburg
30. futon conversations with JB
31. the coolness in the air with fall
32. restoration...

quiet.

my spot. it's very quiet today - only a few fishermen and random couples stopping to stretch their legs and take in the james river. i am lying in the shade - not too hot or cold. it's perfect. today has been a good day. i swam again - after weeks of sheer laziness - and the second i plunged underwater, i thought "why did you stay away for so long?" i think my soul even took a deep breath. i forgot how much i missed the silence in the swish of the water.

i wanted to check out the new cafe in town - and the need to write my thank-you cards was the perfect excuse. it wasn't what i expected. someone rushed over to me as soon as i walked in the door to seat me...like a real restaurant and i knew i wasn't in my kind of coffee shop. i was given a menu. all i wanted was coffee - that's all i could afford and even that was $2.40...for one cup. i was surrounded by people in business suits talking about interest rates and equity loans - a language i don't understand. it's owned by an older european woman who came out from the kitchen and shook my hand. apparently she personally greets all of her customers. the art on the walls was definitely unique - not my taste - but i could appreciate the dedication to detail. all in all, it was too upscale for me and i felt somewhat out of place in my ripped jeans and flip flops.

my spot feels better. surrounded by weeds and large bugs that buzz every few seconds. down the hill on the beach, i hear a woman giggling and i wonder what amuses her. the coast guard helicopters are running through training exercises across the river and the clouds are getting bigger and bigger - my favorite indication of a pending thunderstorm. a man on a bike rides by - singing a love song. my own frank sinatra in spandex.

as i write this, i realize my need for moments like this. moments of silence - isolation from the rest of the world. in the fight or flight mode of life, i am running. i am retreating. maybe it's self-preservation. this little pillar of strength isn't so tall these days. that's ok.

so i run. to Him. because that's the only place i want to be...