this little light of mine...

if i had to pick one word to describe today? intense.

part of the amazingness of my j-o-b as a campus staff worker is the incredible opportunity to engage in a retreat of prayer. i, along with my fellow staff workers from the region, retreated to durham for a few hours of reflection and a date with Him. this little escape from campus proved to be just what this spirit needed. i didn't realize how much i needed time with my Creator. i came face-to-face with my sin. i reached moments of intense clarity and closure. i fell before the Lord and accepted His grace in ways i have avoided over the past few weeks. i gave in to His love.

in the words of my good friend & songwriter, kristin (sandberg) moore, i was "captured and ruined" for Him today...

while walking the labyrinth on the grounds, God gave me the following...perhaps it still needs some "working out"...but for now, it's something this LD can meditate upon...

sunshine. i love strong sunshine on my face. i love the warmth. i love the way it feels on my skin. i love when it is so bright that i just have to close my eyes to take it all in. i crave this sunshine. i wait for moments like these.

but...

i hate letting others see sunshine on my face. i become insecure and fearful that all of my flaws, blemishes and imperfections will become painfully obvious. so i hide my face from the sun in the company of others. i cover my true self. i deny the sun the chance to warm my face or reflect its goodness, its brightness.

i let my sin, my self and the worries of this world keep me from fully enjoying the source of life. i turn my back, afraid of being exposed. i would rather face the shadows and the cold than let others see what i am really made of...how flawed i really am.

i forget that the sun is most glorified when it is shining on creation. while the sun can't help but to expose our flaws, it is also absolutely necessary for growth...for abundant life. the sun has a purpose. we cannot deny the light. it will always illuminate our lives. everyone is exposed. everyone must face the sun.

retreat and reflect.

com·fort /ˈkʌmfərt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhm-fert]

verb
1. to soothe, console or reassure; to bring cheer to
2. to make physically comfortable

noun
1. relief in affliction; consolation; solace

so i've been thinking...

what is this "thing" inside of us that craves comfort? in times of emotional distress or a general sense of feeling overwhelmed, why do we retreat to that which is comfortable? is it possible to be comfortable in one arena of our lives, but not the others?

comfort goes beyond the tangible. yes, we can be physically comfortable...but what about in our emotions? our social situations? our environment?

why do we reach a point where all we desire is to feel comforted...to feel safe...to feel protected?

looking in my concordance, i found 114 references in the Bible to some version of the word 'comfort'....either as an action or gift from above in some form or fashion. Some of the stand-outs:

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you... - Isaiah 66:13

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life... - Psalm 119:50

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant... - Psalm 119:76

What does this speak of our desire for comfort...and more importantly, the source of our consolation?

i think it will take me a very long time to figure this one out...if ever on this side of Heaven. in the meantime, i am retreating and finding those sacred places of comfort knowing that there's Someone waiting for me.

eeeeee!

it's snowing. in chapel hill, north carolina.

there is an actual accumulation of snowage on the ground. i woke up, remembered the forecast and peeked outside...and lo! white! everywhere! granted, my view is limited to the lumberyard behind my house, but I WILL TAKE IT. kim (my roommate) and i are like small children, wishing for more and trying to come up with any excuse to sit with hot chocolate and watch the flakes fall. but alas, we are "grown-ups"...so work beckons both of us on this very cold morning down south.

...but you can't kill the joyful spirit in us, folks...you just can't...

please say hello to my amaryllis. i believe it is one of the most beautiful flowers i have ever seen. i've been thinking about this lovely little plant quite a bit as of late. i think there are some strong parallels between this plant's life and my own.

i purchased the bulb & pot a few days before i moved to north carolina. after i settled in down south, i planted the little guy, knowing that it would be 6-10 weeks before i would see a bud. i have faithfully watered my little friend by the window ever since...and i have been amazed at how quickly it has grown...and how TALL it has become. to think...once a little bulb...and now a beautiful thing to behold, set on this earth by the Creator for us to enjoy.

so where are the similarities between this sprout and laura?

well...i think that i was like the bulb before i moved to north carolina...and if i am honest, probably a few weeks after i relocated. i was hiding...in need of some nurture...knowing i had great things to offer this campus and the others involved in this ministry...but i knew it would take a little while. i needed space to grow...in my time.

and now? i think i can say with a great deal of confidence that i have grown in the past 3 months...i have blossomed (to continue with this flower-laura comparison). i am comfortable showing my true colors. i am eager to keep growing, to stand tall. i am more than willing to use the gifts God has given me if it brings glory to Him.

all of this hit me this past thursday night at our weekly Large Group meeting (a time of worship, prayer and teaching for everyone in the ministry). watching 250+ people file into the Great Hall and receiving hugs, smiles and words of affirmation made me stand back and thank the Good Lord that He has called me here for such a time as this. i am starting to see the fruit of His labor through me. i see my purpose. i see why it took a little bit of time for me to grow beyond the bulb. i know i am far from done with this process...but i can own it now with a little more confidence and assurance that there is always something good on the other side.

it's a good place to be.

The Voice.

i've been thinking quite a bit about the connection between mind-body-spirit. it's an amazing triad...much more complicated than i think i will ever understand. to think that our thoughts direct our physical responses or spiritual walk (or any other combination of the three) is truly a remarkable concept.

i grew up hearing that the mind is a powerful thing. perhaps this was because my brother and i had the awful tendency to internalize all of our stressors until they manifested themselves in our gastric system. basically we were two nervous kids who had trouble keeping the food down. have mercy on our souls around exam time or any other particularly stressful event.

we "grew out of it"...or maybe we just learned some good coping mechanisms. i would like to think we matured in our ability to handle stress. maybe we learned how to call a spade a spade...and move on. or is that avoidance?

truth be told, i think we both still face this struggle from time to time...no...wait...i KNOW we struggle with this powerful-mind gig on our gag reflexes.

i definitely believe that physical reactions to stress or anxiety are purposeful. it's the body's way of saying, "hey, dollface...wake up and deal with this issue before i implode."

so then how do i keep a tight grip on the mind and all of its thoughts and wanderings? how in the world do i stop the idle mind from becoming the proverbial devil's playground? how do i stop the "what ifs"...the "whys"...the predictions completely rooted in nothing solid or true?

i don't know about love...but i definitely think the mind is a battlefield.

and then there are the outside voices...how do i discern what is good and noble from that which just wants to confuse or question? where is God in all of that? i know He's there. i know He speaks through others. where is the line between unnecessary commentary and His word to His daughter?

i am learning what it means to seek His voice alone...the ONLY voice i really want to hear. i am learning to give Him control of my mind. i am learning to call out patterns of thought that stray away from His current plan for my life.

i don't know much...but what i do know is that i am learning the value of creating safe spaces in which to give in to this process. i am allowing myself the freedom to move through any number of emotions or physical reactions. i am confident that God is sowing these questions into my spiritual walk for a purpose...there is fruit to be harvested. i believe it.

so i wrestle. i think it's a good thing. i think it makes me that much stronger when i choose to stay in the battlefield. i think it prepares me for the Truth that is to come.

i think i just need some quiet. i want to be like elijah...i want to hear a whisper in the midst of mighty winds, earthquakes and fires...

and it’s just You and me here now
only You and me here now...

exhaling.

long time, no post. reasons? christmas...which quickly rolled over into some time in the Lou for urbana...followed by massive amounts of sleep...a little travel time back to chapel thrill...and even more time to process everything in my life (a huge task. i know this.)

i did have a pretty amazing job during urbana. i think i can say that now that it's over. historically, the IV interns of the world do not have the best job assignments (hall monitors/meal traffic directors/standing on the street corner guiding the "hoard of locusts" attending the conference)...i lucked out. well, i should say i sought out a pretty phenom job.

somehow, someway i got to be one of the 6 professional photographers documenting the conference for InterVarsity. i guess that's what happens when you email the head of media communications and ask (oh-so-sweetly) for a good job. it was a far cry from the weddings and other events i usually shoot...but it was grand. i quite enjoy getting to see things the average Joe Attendee wouldn't see...or at least seeing things differently through the lens of my camera. it was worship to me. and yes, there were moments i couldn't help but put the camera down by my side and give in full-force to the worship.

so there was that. 5 days behind the camera/backstage/hanging out with the likes of rick warren/chasing down attendees. i felt like i was working for my college newspaper again. i suppose those 2 years as photo editor paid off. who knew they would. one thing that makes me a little sad about my first urbana experience? i didn't really get to EXPERIENCE urbana. sure, i was documenting anything and everything...but i wasn't really "in it"...so the spiritual food i gleaned from urbana came much more from my personal relationships and interactions while in st. louis than from the amazing speakers/sessions InterVarsity booked. nonetheless, i am grateful for every way the Lord spoke to me during my stay in missouri.

so. it was back to williamsburg for 1.5 days. and then back to chapel hill to regroup....have some silence...kick back and prepare myself for this next semester. it's been lovely.

a few days of shopping/learning how to knit (i am one exciting 24-year-old)/meeting more 20-somethings/going to the movies alone (i actually do LOVE this)/good take-out food/some crashing-on-the-couch time...it's what i needed. i feel refreshed. i feel more like myself.

the biggest lesson the past few weeks? CONFIDENCE. that word comes up at least once a day in conversation with others or with God. i am still processing what this word means as reconciled to my life. i have a few ideas. we shall see...

and i am going to run with it. maybe even (dare i say...) run with confidence towards the throne? (a little hebrews 4 reference for ya.)

so this naturally-curly-haired 20-something is pretty excited about what's next. in every possible sense of the word. and the phrase i am living by?

IN HIS TIME.

amen. again, i will say...amen.