you can run...but you can't hide.

ok, so anyone who knows me knows that i deal with a peculiar ailment from time to time. i once even had a pot luck celebration in its honor. i'm talking about good ol' gastroparesis.

the quick recap: i was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. it's been an exhausting/encouraging/enlightening battle that i feel like (most days) i am winning. i keep it under control with the help of medication and i've been in "remission" for about 2 years (meaning my symptoms are usually absent from day-to-day life and my diet is not that limited, compared to the months following my diagnosis).

here's the thing.

about a year ago, i realized that my stomach was getting way too much attention. it had its own name at one point. my friends, all-amazing that they are, frequently asked about my digestive health. i started to feel defined by this illness. and i started to run, not literally (at first), but i wanted nothing to do with the labels that come with GP.

weak. sick. frail. needy.

(i know now, in my older and wiser state, that these labels did not have life outside of my own mind. they simply are not true for me and for many others with gastroparesis.)

i come from a fairly charismatic background in my faith and i often joked in college that you have to "name and claim" your blessings. now i'm not so sure about this theology (?), but i did know that i no longer wanted to claim this illness. i didn't even want to speak it out-loud. it became the thing that should not be named.

and since i was in remission, it was fairly easy to dodge this bullet and any conversation associated with it.

until two weeks ago.

since the beginning of january, i've been engaged in a full-on mission to take care of my body. i've been exercising at least 5 times a week (i've started jogging! yay!), weighing my food to watch portion sizes, and eating A LOT of fiber & other good-for-you food items.

since i've been in remission, i thought i could just up the ante with my fiber/fresh vegetable intake and no one would be the wiser. i had been eating salads every now and then. why not throw in a few more? granola bars and i were BFFs. whole wheat was my motto.

my stomach had other thoughts. all of that über-healthy eating finally caught up to me and i had to realize that while oats are good and tolerable for me, there are limits to this love.

nausea is no bueno.

it's been slightly heart-breaking and humbling. it was so sad to shop for the foods i once purchased after my diagnosis. jell-o. WHITE toast. WHITE mashed potatoes. chicken noodle soup that did not contain whole wheat pasta.

i am realizing that i need to learn that it's OK to eat semolina pasta (in small amounts). the world and my weight-loss journey will not stop because of it. it's OK to eat potatoes that are not orangey-sweet in variety. fresh vegetables can still live in my fridge, as long as they only come out to play a few times a week.

it's all OK. i know this set-back is temporary. i know my healing is still intact. i believe the Lord is continuing to fix what is broken.

as much as i may want to deny my diagnosis, running from it has some pretty awful side effects. and while i am NOT defined by this illness, i can't ignore what my body tells me.

more than that, i can't ignore what God tells me. yes, i have a crazy stomach. and yes, i am in remission (hallelujah). however, He is still in control. and i am still called to take care of my temple the best way i can -- and that means with a SMART head about me.

i also think it's no coincidence that the words associated with GP have been creeping back into my life. i missed a lot of work last week because of my overdose on all-things-bran. and i had to humbly ask a co-worker for assistance. i was forced to admit my illness (again) to which she responded with the utmost grace.

then i had a dear friend slip me this article that appeared in Richmond Magazine. it led me to this blog. and i feel like i have found a friend, though i've never met her. i know i am not alone. even within the confines of my small city in virginia.

so, i may not fully "claim" gastroparesis on the daily, but i do know that it's still there. i am still dealing with its effects from time to time. it's not a bad word.

more than anything? i am conquering it. one bran muffin at a time.

(but not more than twice a week.)

just sayin'.