rollin' with it.

many a thing has changed since my last full entry. let's see...

* charlie and i now reside in our very own apartment in the west end. charlie likes the walks around the complex, leash in his mouth, a bounce in his step. i do think he misses parkside, though. and so do i.

* i took on a full-time teaching gig to finish out the school year, so i instantly went from instructional assistant to 8th grade exceptional education physical science teacher. yeah...what? laura...science? naaaaaaaaah. somehow, by the grace of God, it worked out...and i actually fell a little in love with formulas for acceleration, the forces of magnetism, energy transfers and the like. i actually used my masters degree! imagine that!

* along with finishing out the year, i was offered a contract for next school year...8th grade exceptional education english. much more my speed...and i must confess that i am pretty excited. bring. it.

* as if that weren't enough, i went a little crazy and decided to teach summer school. so, i spend a good 6 hours a day offering reading/math remediation for students that need a little extra help over the summer. so far, i love my students. it's a very relaxed atmosphere and we talk about all kinds of things. fun fact: we all love cold pizza. go figure.

* health update: it's been an up-and-down few months. i think the all-of-the-sudden stress i've faced since the beginning of may only exacerbated the gastroparesis and i've seen a good many days out-of-commission. it's OK, though. it gives me a chance to think through issues that i tend to run from with great effort. i'm continually humbled/reminded of my incredible blessings. i don't take my good days for granted...not like i used to, at least. that's a good thing.

in light of everything, i am content...but very aware of how i am in the middle of a giant gleaning process with the Lord. He's preparing my life...my heart...my mind for something great yet-to-come. i feel it in my spirit. my BFF and i have logged lots of hours recently talking about the transformation that He is doing in both of us...and i am amazingly blessed to have someone to keep me accountable/pray/encourage me through it all. (thanks, twin.)

i'll speak more on these thoughts/issues from above in another post...but for now, know that the Lord is incredible and incredibly comforting, especially in the midst of change.

peace in my soul. joy in my heart.

the way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance, every trial, straight from the hand of a loving Father; and to live up in the heavenly places, above the clouds, in the very presence of the throne, and to look down from the glory upon our environment as lovingly and divinely appointed. - streams in the desert

that's my prayer today.

[taking a deep breath.]

baby bites of saltines.

i've been living in a lie the past month, or so. i am living as if i am not dealing with a chronic illness. i have been throwing caution to the wind and saying, "screw it...i'll be fine." i've been eating food items that i know will most likely cause some issues. and i've been OK...until now.

my lack of concern...my ignorance...my irresponsibility have all caught up with me.

God has gently tapped me on the shoulder and offered a soft "slow down."

so, as it is, i have spent the day curled up...drifting in and out of sleep...and stumbling upon fabulous articles in small magazines concerning God, healing and the process of dealing with a chronic illness.

good timing.

i believe, one way or the other, we are pushed to face that which we try so desperately to ignore. it may hide for a time...but God likes to bring it back...and only the way He can.

so i've been processing/thinking through what's been going on with me and GP the past couple of months. i've got some work to do. i don't have any profound, organized thoughts to share quite yet. my ministry is still in the works, i think.

in a moment of needing to revel in the idea that other people in the world understand all-things-gastroparesis, i wandered over to a website designed to bring all of us GP people together...the gastroparesis patient association for cures and treatments, inc.

in the midst of the sadness, i am incredibly thankful for people and their gift of humor. enjoy the following poem, written by two kindred spirits in the world of GP.

A GPers Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for food my stomach to keep
If I should die before I wake
At least in heaven I can eat some steak

Or if I live for just one more day
Let my stomach behave so I can play
Remembering the times when things were good
When my stomach dumped downward the way it should

When I didn't have to worry what I ate
I could sit and enjoy a heaping plate
No pills to take so I can take sips
And not worry about what crosses my lips

Written by Monalisa (Idiopathic GP) and Rudy (Idiopathic GP), August 2001

too long.

as i sit here and mull over the millions of things that have transpired since my last post, i admit that i have been somewhat overwhelmed by life's circumstances in the last month+.

lots of unknowns. lots of decisions to make.

more than that, i've had lots of good conversation. meaningful conversation. and that has brought some peace and relief to the day-to-day stress that seems to be mounting.

i read in a fellow blogger's post not-so-long-ago that sometimes God forces us to slow down and take a deep breath. this past week has been one long inhale/exhale. it's been my spring break. *a quick hallelujah for public education*

i had all of these grand plans to spend time with loved ones now far away. i was going to travel down south to my beloved chapel hill & revisit some of my favorite moments of last year. alas, my body (read: God) had other plans - landing me in bed for the past week with a sinus infection & bronchitis.

lovely.

and while i have been fairly miserable fending off this illness, i have had ample time to rest and get lost in the stillness surrounding me. and that has been quite the blessing, disguised in tissues, antibiotics and gatorade.

besides loads of time with my little man, i have come to realize something fairly profound. underneath the stress that is trying to take claim, i have discovered a very lovely truth: i am content. i am happy where i am, even with the unknowns.

it's been a long time since i could say such a bold statement with confidence.

i really do love my job. there are many days i leave school thinking, "God...is this really where you want me?"...but as i climb into bed at the end of the day, i find myself smiling at something ridiculous a student said ("roses are red, violets are blue, you're still my little cute cute")...or praying for a kid who desperately needs to know that she matters.

as much as i long to one day be a wife and mother, i find myself completely content with my single status these days. i'm enjoying this freedom and chance to discover what really makes this woman tick, good - bad - or indifferent. i know i've got much farther to go. i am OK with that.

i am beginning to see the incredible value in speaking out the deep questions that have developed over the past two years. and i am beginning to see that i am not defined by my circumstances. i am defined by something so much Greater. and i love that i get to speak out these deep questions with someone who challenges my thought processes, wingback chairs and church parlors included.

more than anything, i am learning the value of taking it all one. step. at. a. time.

it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

ruminating

it's been a while. and i feel a good, lenghty post coming on...but not at this particular moment. for now, enjoy this chestnut:

let us sing even when we do not feel like it, for thus we may give wings to leaden feet and turn weariness into strength. - j.h. jowett

a few o' my favorite things.

things i like (right now):

the smell of a fire in the winter.
sleeping in a men's white v-neck t-shirt (courtesy of hanes).
composition notebooks.
netflix.
felicity, season 3, on DVD.
old school toni braxton.
BBQ chicken.
dumplings from charlottesville.
2 thessalonians 2:16-17
the idea of fresh cut roses.
my newest painting.
honest conversation.

ramblings.

it's 7:02 on a saturday morning...and i'm awake because...well, because charlie needed to get up. and that is the blessing/curse of a small, furry companion sharing your sleeping quarters. nonetheless, i am awake and no longer sleepy. so let me just ramble, mmk?

i'm searching through my rather large iTunes library...and finding forgotten gems. it's like christmas morning all over again. sort of.

tonight is a dinner party with my teacher friends. i'm preparing my stomach muscles for how much they will ache after this evening's hilarity. they make me laugh like no other. and i love it.

i miss being an art major. i think i was the most emotionally healthy when immersed in the studio, just letting it all out. when/if i get a pay-raise, i am signing up for an art class.

for the second summer in a row, i never made it to the beach. (thanks, seamus.) i need to see the ocean. soon.

speaking of trips, a small adventure up to see the richmond skyline again might need to occur within the next month.

i *heart* spaghetti. seriously. and only a. miller understands the brown sugar logic behind this.

i just looked over into my room at my still-unmade bed...and i am now going to wander over there and crash.

good(morning)night

oh ye of little faith.

i know i've already posted once today...but i've been listening to mat kearney's music and i had to share his lyrics to 'in the middle'...good reminders of what i KNOW. (thank you, mama.)

*download and listen to the song for the full experience*

no parachutes or safety nets here
one foot in the water to face these fears
coming out strong like i can't be wrong
i said, i won't fall in the middle

and i'm gonna be alright, i'm gonna be alright
with you by my side
and i said, i'm gonna be alright, i'm gonna be alright
with you through this fight
through it all

my interpretation of the lyrics?...i immediately think of matthew 14:

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

may we all walk with confidence in His promise.

begin again.

it's 2008...and to that, i say a resounding "hallelujah!"

the past year was nothing short of tumultuous and i am extremely ready to let it go as i step forward into a year of healing and blessing. the purchase of a new composition notebook, already several pages penned, is providing a great release for the ramblings and resolutions coursing through my anxious mind. i begin 2008 wanting to lay down the difficult, yet purposeful happenings of 2007 for something great and glorifying to the Lord. i have confidence that God's plan of 2007 will ultimately be redeemed for His perfect design and purpose for my life.

at our last small group, we all took turns expressing our hope for the new year. my hope was for healing in every realm - physical, emotional and spiritual. we noted that in biblical numerology, 7 is the completion or perfection of things while 8 represents a new beginning. i am clinging to this significance/promise as i reflect over the past 12 months and look forward to the next season. i desire a fresh purpose and perspective.

in wanting to share my hope for this new year of the Lord, i sent a small message to a website that in turn printed my words on a small piece of confetti that was dropped on times square at the stroke of midnight. the message: hope. for health. restoration. healing. peace. and love.

maybe someone found it and dreams for the same. and that makes me smile in expectant joy.