i lay it down.

our determination to fully trust no one must die and an eager willingness to receive what is best from others and to give what is best from within ourselves must take place. that only happens when people feel loved, safe enough to face their dependency, trusting enough to enjoy what someone else gives, and courageous enough to offer who they truly are to another. - the safest place on earth (crabb)

the past two weeks have been intense...not only for my personal walk with Him, but within our chapter as students face academic obligations and struggles within their own faith journeys.

in the face of this somewhat overwhelming time, i have been confronted continually with the idea of vulnerability and the need for open, honest communication.

it seems to me that is it is ridiculously true that when we feel most broken or confused we isolate ourselves and mutter, "it's just you and me, God." we are afraid of being weak in front of others...we are scared of what someone might think if we let them see just how broken we are...and we don't like the thought of developing accountability because sometimes it's just easier to sit in our darkness.

sometimes we even leave God out of the equation and try to operate out of our own strength...either out of pride or lack of awareness about His purpose in our healing. this never gets us anywhere. (can i get an amen?!)

is it not possible that God sometimes cries out to us to lay down our brokenness before one another?

generally, i feel under attack after a particularly difficult conversation. if i have opened myself up (even a little), i walk away thinking, "i shouldn't have said that...i said too much...i wish i could rephrase that...i revealed too much of my struggle..."

of COURSE i would feel that attack. the Enemy doesn't want us to live out what we have been designed for...community. our original intention was for relationship both with God and with each other...and this includes moments of complete humility and vulnerability. it means that we can lay our junk before another without the fear of condemnation or judgment...and that we will be loved.

does this always happen? no. we are sinful people indeed and sometimes we let ourselves get in the way of God. however, in those amazing relationships where such God-directed openness occurs, we are truly glorifying Him and living out our original design.

it is taking me some time to realize the value of my vulnerability.

to have a dear friend look me in the eye and say, "i want to listen" has been one of the most powerful moments in the last few days. there is release. there is freedom in knowing that i can lay it down before another, knowing i will be loved...i will be prayed for...i am valued even in my brokenness.

has He not come to bind up the brokenhearted? (isaiah 61)

if that is so (and i believe it is with all of my might)...then we must admit when our heart is broken and be willing to be bound to another in all of their brokenness, too, to receive release from darkness.

"...one of the aspects of genuine, healthy relatedness is that people don't hide their vulnerability from one another and are not ashamed of who they are before each other." - how people grow (cloud & townsend)

i am learning to delight in allowing someone the chance to "carry another's burden"...and i see how such an act of letting others pour Truth into me overflows into others...builds my character as a woman of Him...and begins the process of putting my heart back together again...

go all in. hold nothing back.

it's already november 15th. in a mere matter of days, i will celebrate my one month anniversary as a north carolinian. where has the time gone?

i spent monday and tuesday with the other interns of our region...we gathered in greensboro to debrief about our experiences thus far on campus. it was an intense time of personal sharing and affirmation that we are not alone in this entire process. i didn't know how much i needed to hear that.

one of our area directors did a fantastic job of confirming our calling to staff while making sure that we are maintaining our relationship with the Lord outside of our meetings with students and committments on campus.

"God is more concerned about who you are becoming than with what you're doing." - john hanna

it was an incredible thing to hear. i confess...there are days when i am more concerned about what's on my calendar than i am with how i am doing with my Lord...and then i am swiftly drawn back to the Cross and His promises for my life...the miracles He has performed and how much He desires me.

simply put: i can't make it without Him. i have nothing to offer outside of Him. my pursual of Him must be my very first priority.

that said, today was an incredible day of sitting in starbucks for hours on end meeting with students and getting to know them and their struggles while realizing that my vulnerability is necessary, as well. it's OK that i don't have all of the answers and that i am still trying to figure things out for myself.

more than anything, i want my students to know that i, too, have questions that only God can answer...that i search the Scriptures to find the Truth...that there are things i still don't understand and that that is OK...more than OK...because i cling to the promise that He will guide me to knowledge in His timing.

one thing i am learning how to reconcile: student's political agendas in the face of their faith. i have never personally been around strong Christians who are extemely involved in activism or politics that might differ from the typical Christian viewpoint and carolina is a much different college culture than james madison. carolina students are extremely vocal about their political parties and social justice. some of the conversations i have had recently have left me with an almost jaw-dropping response....not in judgment or disbelief, but more like... "whoa...i have never heard that before!"

i am intrigued beyond description. i would love to sit and listen to people outline their political views in conjuction with their faith and how Scripture ties into it all. more than that, i am excited to see how God continues to open my eyes/heart to students vastly different than what i have experienced in my own journey.

i want to be stretched. i want to be challenged. i want to see how God works through His people in various ways and through differing outlets. i know this campus will provide such a means for Him to work in me.

the one thing i do know? God is good. always. infinitely. meditate on that.

predictions and poetry.

as predicted, my walk back from the coffee shop was indeed pleasant and peppered with little moments that reminded me of why i needed a day such as this.

stopping off at the bookshop on franklin street, i spent a good amount of time perusing the poetry section until i found the right billy collins collection.

flipping through, i found the following passage in a poem entitled questions about angels...and it made me smile...

if an angel delivered the mail, would he arrive
in a blinding rush of wings or would he just assume
the appearance of the regular mailman and
whistle up the driveway reading the postcards?

what a great image. makes me want to greet my mailman with a little more enthusiasm come monday morning.

and in light of my earlier post, i came across a profound thought in one of the books i am reading for my intern study program. the book investigates the idea that we are created for spiritual community and that the church has a responsibility to create such an environment of brokenness, vulnerability and shared growth...and somehow, my thoughts on loneliness are a little easier to swallow...

[...the experience of every pilgrim who honestly pursues the Lord...] the path to joy of God's presence always leads through joyless isolation, when the part of us that most longs for connection is left painfully alone. - larry crabb, the safest place on earth

a long walk.

all this feels strange and untrue...and i won't waste a minute without You... - snow patrol

i find myself in a strange new territory. i am alone. it's a conflicting emotion. i know it is completely necessary right now. i predicted this transition to chapel hill would present a plethora of challenges. it is my reaction to them that causes the surprise.

yes, i cannot lie. i do sometimes grieve the thought that my dearest friends (the ones who know the true LD...flaws and all) are no longer a quick trip over the cantrell bridge plus or minus a few turns. that is not to say i am in want of companions within the triangle. my isolation stems from the sobering thought that these amazing individuals do not truly know what makes this chick tick. maybe they aren't supposed to...not in the same way...and if they are, i am not naive enough to think that such relationships do not take some time to build a foundation of honesty and vulnerability.

i am coming off of an extremely intense six months. i am still healing. my skin is still fairly thin. the fun-loving, cheerful, ridiculous side of me has been asleep for some time...and i am still trying to wake her up. i think that this process is OK. i am learning how to let myself go through the necessary emotions instead of pushing-on-through without stopping to appreciate the personal growth. one of my friends asked recently, "so how do we move forward from here?" recognizing that we are both in this strange middleground in-between the last phase of our life into the next. i can't answer that question. i don't even know if there is an adequate answer. what i do know is that my life is profoundly different than it was four weeks ago. this life-altering change is taking its time to settle in.

i think this loneliness is merely a symptom of this process. i believe this is God's very real way of drawing me to Himself. He alone will satisfy this longing for true companionship. while time with my family and friends may provide temporary relief, i am keenly aware that it is the daily recognition of His presence in my life that will heal this empty spot i perceive in my life.

if i am honest with myself, i have felt this isolation before - even in the company of the loves of my life. i suppose the difference is that this isolation is supremely more tangible. case-in-point: i am currently occupying a table for one at a local coffee shop, listening to my ipod and releasing these thoughts. and while i sit here venting about the reality of my situation, today feels different.

today is a concentrated effort to return to laura...throwing on the flip-flops and sunglasses and grabbing my big red bag, i walked out of my apartment - armed with my favorite tools of creativity and the expectation that i would explore my new neighborhood the best way i know how...through the lens of my camera.

my favorite part of the adventure so far: standing still on the sidewalk as a strong wind caused hundreds of leaves to fall around me. in that moment, i didn't feel so alone. i am praying that the walk back from the coffee shop provides another such moment.

i don't doubt that He will pull through...