ebbs and flows.

i've had too much confirmation over the past few weeks that a return to my blog would be a good thing. so, here i am. truth be told, i've missed it.

so much has happened in the past YEAR that it's difficult to know where to begin. the nitty-gritty details: i survived my first official year of teaching! i believe it went well - it was damn hard (sorry, there's no other way to describe it) - but i finished the year strong. ultimately, i do love what i do. i'm not so sure i love the paperwork involved with exceptional education, but a quick hug from a "tough" 8th grade boy makes all of that wonderfully melt away.

charlie and i are still rockin' it out in our apartment. i look around sometimes and praise God for His tangible blessings, especially charlie. his presence has been absolutely perfect, particularly when i am not feeling well...which leads to the next detail...

my gastroparesis has calmed down quite a bit (hallelujah!). this summer has produced many "am i on my way to healing?" thoughts - there are still bumps in the road, but i haven't been so gentle with it - my bad, yo (sometimes a girl just wants some fresh vegetables/fruit!). all in all, i feel good. i've committed to working out regularly (and while that has been a challenge, too) i feel/see the fruits of my labor and i thank God that i am able to rock out the treadmill. my next physical challenge: the Ukrops 8K in november - walking, not running. i'm not THAT crazy. wooohooooo.

this has been a spiritually challenging year. it would be fair to say that my heart has taken a beating. it is healing, though - it's just a slower, longer process than i would have guessed. God has done a great work to show me my worth. i am learning to walk in His words/promises/love. i have taken some fairly drastic steps to fight for my worth. i recently began a study on believing God - we are all very quick to say that we believe IN God, but do we really believe HIM - do we believe His Word, what He says to us, even what He shows us? why do we so often dismiss His work just because there is no tangible evidence?

Hebrews says that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (11:1). so, why do i beg God for evidence of His work in my life? as my dear friend said recently, "if there were evidence, there would be no faith." and truly, His work is made manifest everyday - but do i open my eyes to see it?

i am learning that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. i want to be unwaivering in what i believe - in the good i believe has been promised to me.

one of my favorite musicians is the folk artist, william fitzsimmons. i stumbled across his song "goodmorning" and delighted in the following lyrics:

moonlight will fall
winter will end
harvest will come
your heart will mend

goodmorning
goodmorning
you will find love...

it was a fantastic reminder that God gives us seasons for a specific purpose - and that seasons will end - and there is ultimately something good on the other side.

so, while my heart may hurt while this season's sun sets and rises, i am confident that not-too-long-from-now, it will be bursting with joy.

and that, my friends, is a great promise of faith.

dang, gina.

has it really been since june that i last made a few declarations?

geeeeeez.

quite a bit has happened...actually, nothing too major, but a few ramblings are forthcoming.

for now, i need to go prepare myself for my triumphant return to work tomorrow after two glorious weeks off.

i *heart* being a teacher. for many, many reasons.

stay tuned. stay cool.

rollin' with it.

many a thing has changed since my last full entry. let's see...

* charlie and i now reside in our very own apartment in the west end. charlie likes the walks around the complex, leash in his mouth, a bounce in his step. i do think he misses parkside, though. and so do i.

* i took on a full-time teaching gig to finish out the school year, so i instantly went from instructional assistant to 8th grade exceptional education physical science teacher. yeah...what? laura...science? naaaaaaaaah. somehow, by the grace of God, it worked out...and i actually fell a little in love with formulas for acceleration, the forces of magnetism, energy transfers and the like. i actually used my masters degree! imagine that!

* along with finishing out the year, i was offered a contract for next school year...8th grade exceptional education english. much more my speed...and i must confess that i am pretty excited. bring. it.

* as if that weren't enough, i went a little crazy and decided to teach summer school. so, i spend a good 6 hours a day offering reading/math remediation for students that need a little extra help over the summer. so far, i love my students. it's a very relaxed atmosphere and we talk about all kinds of things. fun fact: we all love cold pizza. go figure.

* health update: it's been an up-and-down few months. i think the all-of-the-sudden stress i've faced since the beginning of may only exacerbated the gastroparesis and i've seen a good many days out-of-commission. it's OK, though. it gives me a chance to think through issues that i tend to run from with great effort. i'm continually humbled/reminded of my incredible blessings. i don't take my good days for granted...not like i used to, at least. that's a good thing.

in light of everything, i am content...but very aware of how i am in the middle of a giant gleaning process with the Lord. He's preparing my life...my heart...my mind for something great yet-to-come. i feel it in my spirit. my BFF and i have logged lots of hours recently talking about the transformation that He is doing in both of us...and i am amazingly blessed to have someone to keep me accountable/pray/encourage me through it all. (thanks, twin.)

i'll speak more on these thoughts/issues from above in another post...but for now, know that the Lord is incredible and incredibly comforting, especially in the midst of change.

peace in my soul. joy in my heart.

the way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance, every trial, straight from the hand of a loving Father; and to live up in the heavenly places, above the clouds, in the very presence of the throne, and to look down from the glory upon our environment as lovingly and divinely appointed. - streams in the desert

that's my prayer today.

[taking a deep breath.]

baby bites of saltines.

i've been living in a lie the past month, or so. i am living as if i am not dealing with a chronic illness. i have been throwing caution to the wind and saying, "screw it...i'll be fine." i've been eating food items that i know will most likely cause some issues. and i've been OK...until now.

my lack of concern...my ignorance...my irresponsibility have all caught up with me.

God has gently tapped me on the shoulder and offered a soft "slow down."

so, as it is, i have spent the day curled up...drifting in and out of sleep...and stumbling upon fabulous articles in small magazines concerning God, healing and the process of dealing with a chronic illness.

good timing.

i believe, one way or the other, we are pushed to face that which we try so desperately to ignore. it may hide for a time...but God likes to bring it back...and only the way He can.

so i've been processing/thinking through what's been going on with me and GP the past couple of months. i've got some work to do. i don't have any profound, organized thoughts to share quite yet. my ministry is still in the works, i think.

in a moment of needing to revel in the idea that other people in the world understand all-things-gastroparesis, i wandered over to a website designed to bring all of us GP people together...the gastroparesis patient association for cures and treatments, inc.

in the midst of the sadness, i am incredibly thankful for people and their gift of humor. enjoy the following poem, written by two kindred spirits in the world of GP.

A GPers Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for food my stomach to keep
If I should die before I wake
At least in heaven I can eat some steak

Or if I live for just one more day
Let my stomach behave so I can play
Remembering the times when things were good
When my stomach dumped downward the way it should

When I didn't have to worry what I ate
I could sit and enjoy a heaping plate
No pills to take so I can take sips
And not worry about what crosses my lips

Written by Monalisa (Idiopathic GP) and Rudy (Idiopathic GP), August 2001

too long.

as i sit here and mull over the millions of things that have transpired since my last post, i admit that i have been somewhat overwhelmed by life's circumstances in the last month+.

lots of unknowns. lots of decisions to make.

more than that, i've had lots of good conversation. meaningful conversation. and that has brought some peace and relief to the day-to-day stress that seems to be mounting.

i read in a fellow blogger's post not-so-long-ago that sometimes God forces us to slow down and take a deep breath. this past week has been one long inhale/exhale. it's been my spring break. *a quick hallelujah for public education*

i had all of these grand plans to spend time with loved ones now far away. i was going to travel down south to my beloved chapel hill & revisit some of my favorite moments of last year. alas, my body (read: God) had other plans - landing me in bed for the past week with a sinus infection & bronchitis.

lovely.

and while i have been fairly miserable fending off this illness, i have had ample time to rest and get lost in the stillness surrounding me. and that has been quite the blessing, disguised in tissues, antibiotics and gatorade.

besides loads of time with my little man, i have come to realize something fairly profound. underneath the stress that is trying to take claim, i have discovered a very lovely truth: i am content. i am happy where i am, even with the unknowns.

it's been a long time since i could say such a bold statement with confidence.

i really do love my job. there are many days i leave school thinking, "God...is this really where you want me?"...but as i climb into bed at the end of the day, i find myself smiling at something ridiculous a student said ("roses are red, violets are blue, you're still my little cute cute")...or praying for a kid who desperately needs to know that she matters.

as much as i long to one day be a wife and mother, i find myself completely content with my single status these days. i'm enjoying this freedom and chance to discover what really makes this woman tick, good - bad - or indifferent. i know i've got much farther to go. i am OK with that.

i am beginning to see the incredible value in speaking out the deep questions that have developed over the past two years. and i am beginning to see that i am not defined by my circumstances. i am defined by something so much Greater. and i love that i get to speak out these deep questions with someone who challenges my thought processes, wingback chairs and church parlors included.

more than anything, i am learning the value of taking it all one. step. at. a. time.

it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

ruminating

it's been a while. and i feel a good, lenghty post coming on...but not at this particular moment. for now, enjoy this chestnut:

let us sing even when we do not feel like it, for thus we may give wings to leaden feet and turn weariness into strength. - j.h. jowett