flames.

so i have had quite a few people ask about my fund development endeavors. my response? "it's a refiner's fire. and i am grateful because i wouldn't rely on the Lord like i do without this challenge." and that's the truth.

i have had some successful appointments & phone calls. and it is becoming easier to share my passion. sure, there are still those moments when i stare at the phone and make up an excuse as to why i am NOT calling Mr. X...but those ridiculous times are fewer and far between.

as each day passes, i become more and more excited about next year. i had a friend ask me recently if i feel excited or if i am holding off on the excitement until i know my funding will come in.

good question. and three months ago, i would have answered that i was holding off on the excitement. but i have come to realize that doing so is really just great mistrust in the Lord. and i choose to trust. i think He WANTS me to be excited so that His provision and blessing is that much sweeter. i can't ask the "what if the money doesn't come in?" because that means i am relying on myself and my own doing...and not Him.

and i can't do that. i don't want any part of that. i choose Him. i choose faith that moves mountains. or money.

and when it comes down to it, none of this is about percentages or budgets or how much money i will get per month. it comes down to my relationship with my Jesus. and that is more valuable than any figure interVarsity could give me.

my new favorite verse? romans 11:29...for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable.

that is the truth that i choose to walk in as i continue this challenge.

and what makes this journey even sweeter is the incredible relationships that have formed because of this calling. walking side-by-side with the other interns who are dealing with the same emotions/spiritual challenges makes me smile at how GOOD God is...and how much He wants to take care of us. by any means.

i take all of this in.
i see the purpose in it.
i revel in His goodness.
and i praise Him for His faithfulness.

wide awake.

it's 12:55 in the morning. watching pride & prejudice and thinking about what needs to get done tomorrow.

in all of my phone calls to potential donors, i am discovering that some of my letters never made it to their final destination....say whaaaaaaat? this is a somewhat scary thought...which inevitably causes the "how many other mailboxes stayed hungry for my letter of love?!" panic attack...and then i am reminded...

He is in control. i am not.

He knows exactly what He is doing. i don't.

He is perfect. i am far from that adjective.

and i calm down...return to my strange love affair with elizabeth bennet and mr. darcy. and all is well with the world.

i had an appointment earlier today...and it went really well...even before i knocked on their front door.

a little story of God's faithfulness and my stupidity (all wrapped up in one fabulous tale!):

i was on my way to the appointment and i was running a little late, so i decided to pass some slow-pokes in front of the LA MBL. except that i decided to do this in a no-passing zone...and didn't realize that one of the cars coming towards me just so happened to be a state tropper.

faaaaaaaaaaaabulous.

of course he stops in the middle of the road, turns around, races up behind me and pulls this now-freaking-out laura over. great.

weirdest reaction ever? i start laughing...hysterically...and i believe i started singing tracy chapman's "fast car" in my head. anyway. by the time Officer Speedtrap gets to my window, i am cheesing like a 4-year-old with no teeth smiling for her preschool photo. and the officer? he is laughing, too. i am already armed with my license and registration...which he takes...asks where i am going so fast...and then i think, "do i tell him i am on my way to ask for financial support for God's ministry...or no." i opt for, "i was on my way to a meeting...and i am late...no excuse, i know." he looks around. hands me my license again. and says, "this is your lucky day, kid. slow down." and WALKS AWAY.

whaaaaaaaaat?! i was going 34 miles over the speed limit when he caught me...granted, i was passing people...but COME ON. i could have easily landed in court over that stupid mistake...and yet God is GOOD and lets me drive away with my record unscathed.

it was a christmas miracle. in july.

i laughed the entire way to the appointment...praying...laughing some more.

i learned my lesson.

God's timing is infinitely better than mine. even on the road.

aaaaaamen.

home. and overwhelmed.

well, i am home from orientation for new staff (ONS) in madison, wisconsin. that was the longest and best 10 days of my summer thus far. why madison? that's where interVarsity's headquarters reside...but i still don't know how they landed in wisconsin. perhaps there are some mysteries i will never solve.

so. it was 10 days of fund development training...meeting amazing new people...visiting the national office...bonding with my region and small group...eating fantastic amounts of ethnic food...training in developing multiethnic witnessing communities within our chapters...tough conflicts/conversations...facing things from my past that i *thought* i had reconciled...and tons and tons of prayer.

it was exactly what i needed.

God never ceases to amaze me. He has spoken to me on various fronts...and i am ready to hear more.

so i am home. to continue my fund development...but with a few more amazing people to walk beside me.

and i see His provision.

so i think i am really learning to stop asking "what if" and proclaiming "let go" instead.

thanks be to God and God alone.

how i roll.

so.

a sizable chunk of my letters have been mailed...and i will send a few more tomorrow. *phew*

now begins the daily checkage of the mailbox to see God's provision arrive through the united states postal service.

i have not been able to secure a part-time job...leaving me somewhat stir-crazy as i adapt to a different set of activities to keep me occupied.

i spend every morning doing laps at the community pool...helping little ladies that have in fact stated "i've fallen and i can't get up" all the while dodging creepy men in the speedos. it's a grand time.

so i believe this summer is about getting the LaLa in check: mind, body and soul. that's my job.

when not fiddling around williamsburg, i bounce up to richmond to hang out with my twin and assorted church folk.

and this has gotten me very excited about meeting amazing amounts of new people next year.

THAT, my friends, keeps me amped up and ready for Him.

aquatics.

a day in the life of moi:

wake up around 8:30 or 9
put on the old swimsuit, grab the towel and keys...and out the door
swim alongside all of the retired folk in williamsburg at the rec center
come home...make lunch for me and the mama
watch some of my favorite cooking shows on the food network
shower/organize my life
work on fundraising letters
dinner
more organization/wasting away in front of a movie
phone calls
sleep

yup.

so it ends and begins...

i am home.

and overwhelmed by many things...much of which involves finding space for the amazing amounts of belongings i have accrued in the past six years. that's what my summer in williamsburg means to me...putting my past away and making room for what's next.

i am not going to lie. i am still emotional...even ridiculous lifetime movies are causing the tears to flow. and it hasn't even been a week since i kissed harrisonburg goodbye. but that's OK. i am learning how to grieve...in front of others.

and it's not even harrisonburg that i will miss...it will be what it did for me...through everyone and everything. even leaving the lighthouse was hard...and not because i want to keep living in that old house. it occured to me the moment i passed my frame in the upstairs hallway. i collaged the word 'beauty' among other elements, well before i conquered that demon in my life...and i realized that it was within the walls of the lighthouse that i learned how to be beautiful for Him.

those are the moments i am embracing and tucking away for safe keeping.

my current encouragement comes from the beloved nelly...

i praise the Lord for what i consider to be your big "LET GO" because your leap of faith speaks volumes to me about shooting for the stars and letting God take you to that one place in the universe where He would have you be. what a place it's going to be! how He's going to use you!

so i guess that is what this summer is all about.

letting go.

contemplating His path for me.

having faith big enough to just sit in His shadow and let Him mold me.

in looking back through my journal, i came across a poem i wrote a couple of months ago. only now does it seem relevant.

and when i think of you, i smile.
in remembrance.
in hope.
of what was.
and is to come.
and i feel at home.

Lord, make me ready.

hit it.