slow dancing in a burning room.

i feel a return to "myself," as they say. i am beginning to feel better physically...and eating a wider array of foods. praise to the Good Lord.

i was even able to enjoy a fantastic evening, sitting on a hill by the Beach, listening to amazing music with some of my closest friends...looking up at the stars and letting the sounds of ben folds/john mayer take over for a few hours. i needed a moment of normalcy like that.

with this return to myself, i feel a very strong pull towards the Lord. during prayer & praise at my church last week, the pastor pointed out that we had been singing the lyrics "You draw near to me" in reference to how God responds/initiates to us.

good reminder. i need to remember that God is constantly drawing near to me regardless of my response to Him. in the midst of the past few months, i admit that i have stepped away from my "usual walk" with Him (it sounds so cliche - not my intention)...yes, i continued to pray...and i read the Word for some sort of encouragement/hope...but my efforts were grounded solely in my circumstances and not so much in who He is. i hope that makes sense. to me, it's a big difference.

yesterday evening, we had a particularly violent thunderstorm. it came on rather quickly, produced amazing amounts of rain, lightning and thunder. we stood by the doorways and watched until a very bright flash of light and crack of thunder resulted in the loss of power, causing us to retreat inside and Charlie to run around like a madman in the confusion.

being still light outside, it didn't faze us much (except for Charlie). when the sun began to set, i realized our lack of candles...and we set out to pillage a few more to create a nice, soft glow in the house. did i mention these candles smell like vanilla cupcakes? i seriously digress.

without AC or any of the other creature comforts we are so accustomed to, i decided to hang out on the couch and not move much to create as little heat as possible.

it was during this time on the couch that God began to give me a little parable/parallel of sorts.

during thunderstorms, we are so focused on the action of the clouds that we forget the purpose of this summer-time "disturbance." is it not the job of the thunderstorm to clean the air, so to speak? to water creation? even cause us to slow down, be cautious and submit to its authority (seek cover, drive slowly, etc.)?

i feel as though my days have been one gigantic thunderstorm over the past year. yes, i can see how this might come off as overly dramatic, but from march of '06 to now has been the most trying 400+ days of my 25 years. i do not lie.

now that things are slowing down a bit, i am starting to see the purpose in this tempest. i am reminded of matthew 8: 23-27. i love this passage.

[Jesus, after a time of healing...] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping, The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

another good reminder: sometimes God creates many a storm to prove He is God...and i am not. to "clean my life"...to bring me out of the heat so that He can replenish my existence. and in that calmness? i am forced to listen - just like last night and the loss of power forcing me to just sit and be...and listen to the crickets outside...something i would have missed had the AC/fans/TV/music been rattling around inside.

i realize these ramblings are not unique thoughts or maybe even that deep or profound. all of that to say that i am learning to be perfectly content in this stillness now that the storms seem to be receding...i am resting in the promise that God is using this "quiet time" to prove who He is in my life.

He is God.

bubbly.

so, my furry companion got a little (well, HUGE) trim a few weeks back. being the proud mama that i am, i have to show him off...even if i am a little horrified by how much the groomers shaved off. (check out the before-shot in a previous blog entry.)

[all photos taken by my lovely roommate, kim, when i happened to step out for a few minutes. click to enlarge.]

here goes:

he says that this is his best angle:

this is my all-time favorite. when i get that fabulous job i long for, this one will be framed and atop the desk:

so, sometimes i leave my room...and when i come back, this is what i find:
enjoy my pup. i do. even with the fleas.

laughing it up.

i have decided that the best way to fight the good fight is to do so with a grand sense of humor.

i have to laugh about my current state of affairs. it seems as though a hearty laugh and a strong prayer will be the only way i will be able to deal with my diagnosis.

these are the cards i have been dealt. i am learning to play (one day at a time). i am also learning to be appreciative that it isn't much worse than this. this i can handle.

in light of this revelation/resolution, i have decided to name my stomach. he will now be referred to as Seamus (shay-mus). yes, he's Irish. why? he has a bit of a flaring temper...and he has a great fondness for all-things-potato. somehow giving my stomach a name a) makes me laugh at the absurdity of it all and b) keeps me grounded.

i also laugh/dance when i hear kirk franklin's "stomp!" why? the good ol' line...

GP, are you wit me? oh yeah, we havin' church, we ain't going nowhere...

now, for those of you unfamiliar with kirk franklin and his posse, GP stands for God's People...otherwise known as the people that actually sing the gospel music he writes while he talks/raps over the beats. (don't get me wrong. i have some serious love for KF.)

anyway, in a lot of the literature i have found about gastroparesis, many people type GP instead of consistently spelling out the medical term.

so, yes...GP is wit me. and yes, i am still dancing/havin' church.

i also want to give an enormous shout-out of thanks to my friends and family who have rallied around me lately. i feel loved beyond words. suggestions of liquid/pureed food parties, trips to get smoothies, letters of incredible encouragement, emails containing grand statements of optimism have most certainly helped this LD feel better.

i am starting to feel normal again. praise Jesus. and as much as i do have those moments of sadness, the smiles are starting to overshadow the tears.

thank you. from the bottom of my ever-grateful heart.

i suppose it's official.

questions of science
science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart...
[coldplay]

ok, friends.

i thought the easiest way to communicate what exactly has been happening with yours truly over the past few months would be on my beloved blog - available to the masses, however impersonal it may be. i apologize for my lack of personal, direct communication. i ask for your grace and forgiveness.

let me explain.

many of you know that i have been experiencing bouts of nausea and vomiting for a matter of months over this past year. after leaving staff with InterVarsity in april and moving back to virginia, i began the process of seeing a specialist to begin testing in an effort to figure out the root cause of my symptoms.

the past month has been particularly rough and my symptoms have gotten worse. i have been on an IV several times for dehydration associated with constant vomiting and even had the oh-so-fabulous pleasure of spending the night in the ER here in Richmond. (i *heart* MCV. really, i do.)

i was able to switch to a specialist here in Richmond and had an appointment last Friday. he ordered a new round of tests for me, which i endured this week at MCV.

he called on wednesday afternoon to give me my diagnosis.

i have a condition called gastroparesis (literally, paralysis of the stomach). i know. it's weird.

the basics: my stomach has stopped functioning, meaning that it no longer turns my food into digestible material...so it either sits in my stomach for an extraordinarily long amount of time until it is broken down by acid...or, it comes back up. lovely, isn't it. (sorry.)

for most people, there is no identifiable cause. there is also no cure.

about 8 million people have GP and they are starting to find better ways of treating this condition. it's good to know i am not alone. as God would have it, my best friend's mother also has GP and offered some incredible encouragement once she heard about my diagnosis.

i will begin taking medication to force stomach contractions...however, these medicines have nasty, neurological side effects. i am nervous about beginning these drugs.

i now also operate with a very long list of foods i simply cannot eat anymore (fresh fruits/vegetables, certain dairy products, whole grains, meat, etc.) - basically anything good for you - and for someone who loves a huge salad, this is hard news to swallow (haha! i gotta laugh about this...join me, won't you?)

for the next few months, i will live off of a liquid/puree diet to give my stomach a break from the havoc it has endured over the past few months. any suggestions on good, pureed food would be much appreciated.

so there it is. i wish i had happy, cheery news to share with you. i will admit that this is hard to deal with and i am in a state of mourning right about now. i know that this isn't the end of the world...and i know that i will have a plan of action to function normally again...and i know that God is still amazingly good through all of this...but i think i need a little bit of time to process what's going on. it's very strange to think that a major part of your body has simply stopped working.

i also believe that God is bigger than my stomach muscles...and He can heal this according to His will.

my son, pay attention to what i say;
listen closely to my words.

do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;

for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.

above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life. - proverbs 4: 20-23

again, i ask for your grace and forgiveness for being MIA for quite some time. i simply haven't felt well enough to make many calls or sit at the computer to write personal emails. i will try to be better about this over the next few weeks.

as for the job update: i am still not working and i had to cancel my interview with the local school system because i hadn't been discharged from the hospital yet on the day of my interview. they were very kind and said that i can reschedule whenever i feel better. i am hoping that that is relatively soon and that God will give me the strength to begin teaching in the fall.

in happy news, i do have a small, furry companion to keep me company through this. please see my last blog entry for a picture of my new BFF. he is wild. and i love him.

i will ask for prayer, if i may do so. i want to experience God's joy again. i want to function normally. i want the depression to cease and for happiness to reign again.

thank you for standing by me through this. i would love an email life update from each of you when/if you get the chance. know that i appreciate, value and love you dearly.

His,
Laura

new BFF.

please say hello to my newest little buddy. his name is charlie and i have adopted him after he wandered into a friend-of-a-friend's yard, looking for a home. what i know about him after 24 hours together: he loves to chew - especially on my flip-flops. he likes to prance when we go on walks (that's why his given nickname is prince charles). his favorite toy is a small, purple stuffed purse (good story). curling up and taking a nap together seems to be something he enjoys immensely.

notice the white poof that is my dog. that's because he lived life on the streets for a little while. no worries, though...this proud mama has already made an appointment to groom his lovely locks.

i *heart* him. a lot.

whiskers on kittens.

things i like (recently):



old friends calling me "La"

listening to a beautiful, wise elderly woman tell me great stories from her past

big leather chairs & ottomans that call me to curl up and read for a majority of the day

burgers and movie nights with my lovely roommate

late afternoon thunderstorms with ominous clouds

the unexpected and unknown...like my looming future

standing up for myself and learning the value in such action

finally ending the oh-so-fabulous phone tag with a good catch-up conversation



i like life right now. even with all its quirks and dives.

clicking and waiting.

i've done it.

i've applied for a full-time teaching job for the fall. perhaps it's time to use my trusty ol' masters in special education.

there is a part of me that is completely excited about this prospect. there is another side that is freaking out ever-so-slightly in a "what have i done?!" kind of way. it's been over a year since i have spent any time in a classroom.

can i do this? can i really do this?

only time will tell. and i kind of need to get hired first.

i do think it is incredibly ironic, however, that, at the end of my online application, i was asked to click "submit"...

oh, how that word comes fully-loaded these days.