The Voice.

i've been thinking quite a bit about the connection between mind-body-spirit. it's an amazing triad...much more complicated than i think i will ever understand. to think that our thoughts direct our physical responses or spiritual walk (or any other combination of the three) is truly a remarkable concept.

i grew up hearing that the mind is a powerful thing. perhaps this was because my brother and i had the awful tendency to internalize all of our stressors until they manifested themselves in our gastric system. basically we were two nervous kids who had trouble keeping the food down. have mercy on our souls around exam time or any other particularly stressful event.

we "grew out of it"...or maybe we just learned some good coping mechanisms. i would like to think we matured in our ability to handle stress. maybe we learned how to call a spade a spade...and move on. or is that avoidance?

truth be told, i think we both still face this struggle from time to time...no...wait...i KNOW we struggle with this powerful-mind gig on our gag reflexes.

i definitely believe that physical reactions to stress or anxiety are purposeful. it's the body's way of saying, "hey, dollface...wake up and deal with this issue before i implode."

so then how do i keep a tight grip on the mind and all of its thoughts and wanderings? how in the world do i stop the idle mind from becoming the proverbial devil's playground? how do i stop the "what ifs"...the "whys"...the predictions completely rooted in nothing solid or true?

i don't know about love...but i definitely think the mind is a battlefield.

and then there are the outside voices...how do i discern what is good and noble from that which just wants to confuse or question? where is God in all of that? i know He's there. i know He speaks through others. where is the line between unnecessary commentary and His word to His daughter?

i am learning what it means to seek His voice alone...the ONLY voice i really want to hear. i am learning to give Him control of my mind. i am learning to call out patterns of thought that stray away from His current plan for my life.

i don't know much...but what i do know is that i am learning the value of creating safe spaces in which to give in to this process. i am allowing myself the freedom to move through any number of emotions or physical reactions. i am confident that God is sowing these questions into my spiritual walk for a purpose...there is fruit to be harvested. i believe it.

so i wrestle. i think it's a good thing. i think it makes me that much stronger when i choose to stay in the battlefield. i think it prepares me for the Truth that is to come.

i think i just need some quiet. i want to be like elijah...i want to hear a whisper in the midst of mighty winds, earthquakes and fires...

and it’s just You and me here now
only You and me here now...

exhaling.

long time, no post. reasons? christmas...which quickly rolled over into some time in the Lou for urbana...followed by massive amounts of sleep...a little travel time back to chapel thrill...and even more time to process everything in my life (a huge task. i know this.)

i did have a pretty amazing job during urbana. i think i can say that now that it's over. historically, the IV interns of the world do not have the best job assignments (hall monitors/meal traffic directors/standing on the street corner guiding the "hoard of locusts" attending the conference)...i lucked out. well, i should say i sought out a pretty phenom job.

somehow, someway i got to be one of the 6 professional photographers documenting the conference for InterVarsity. i guess that's what happens when you email the head of media communications and ask (oh-so-sweetly) for a good job. it was a far cry from the weddings and other events i usually shoot...but it was grand. i quite enjoy getting to see things the average Joe Attendee wouldn't see...or at least seeing things differently through the lens of my camera. it was worship to me. and yes, there were moments i couldn't help but put the camera down by my side and give in full-force to the worship.

so there was that. 5 days behind the camera/backstage/hanging out with the likes of rick warren/chasing down attendees. i felt like i was working for my college newspaper again. i suppose those 2 years as photo editor paid off. who knew they would. one thing that makes me a little sad about my first urbana experience? i didn't really get to EXPERIENCE urbana. sure, i was documenting anything and everything...but i wasn't really "in it"...so the spiritual food i gleaned from urbana came much more from my personal relationships and interactions while in st. louis than from the amazing speakers/sessions InterVarsity booked. nonetheless, i am grateful for every way the Lord spoke to me during my stay in missouri.

so. it was back to williamsburg for 1.5 days. and then back to chapel hill to regroup....have some silence...kick back and prepare myself for this next semester. it's been lovely.

a few days of shopping/learning how to knit (i am one exciting 24-year-old)/meeting more 20-somethings/going to the movies alone (i actually do LOVE this)/good take-out food/some crashing-on-the-couch time...it's what i needed. i feel refreshed. i feel more like myself.

the biggest lesson the past few weeks? CONFIDENCE. that word comes up at least once a day in conversation with others or with God. i am still processing what this word means as reconciled to my life. i have a few ideas. we shall see...

and i am going to run with it. maybe even (dare i say...) run with confidence towards the throne? (a little hebrews 4 reference for ya.)

so this naturally-curly-haired 20-something is pretty excited about what's next. in every possible sense of the word. and the phrase i am living by?

IN HIS TIME.

amen. again, i will say...amen.

secret smiles.

being back home in williamsburg creates a whirlwind of emotions. right now? i am extremely thankful and joyful to be here...in this moment...

williamsburg, for all of its tourist-induced-glamor because of its rich history, really is timeless. outside of the streets of colonial williamsburg, there are certain things that never change. there is an amazing amount of comfort in that realization. comfort in consistency.

like the man who works at our local grocery store and has remained a faithful employee for as long as i can remember...always ready to give a smile or crack a joke...and ever-eager to serve.

or slipping back into old relationships...drinking coffee from the local cafe and walking around downtown late at night while completely absorbed in fantastic conversation, looking at old-fashioned christmas decorations and taking in the tiny street fires designed to keep us warm.

or my dad working his crossword puzzle on a sunday afternoon while watching old black and white movies.

or ridiculous humor and uncontrollable laughter in public places as best my mom, brother and i can manage. creating an entertaining scene is never a problem for us. i hope it never is...

or laying next to the christmas tree and remembering the significance of each ornament. second-grade art projects. sunday school gifts-for-mom.

i was afraid that the christmas season would pass me by again this year...but as i look over the past few weeks, and especially these past few days at home, i see that the christmas season can't possibly pass me by as long as i take a moment to stop and see the ways He is working in my life.

perhaps that's what the christmas season is about...being aware of everything around us. maybe to realize our blessings and be grateful for His presence. to think about everything that He means...and, coming to earth as a tiny babe, He really just wanted to love us....for us to love Him, to love others...and to give praise to Him for His birth...to thank Him for loving us enough to be with us. o come, immanuel...

my one last request this christmas season? to sing my favorite hymn tonight in church...

o holy night, the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear Saviour's birth
long lay the world in sin and error pining
till He appeared and the soul felt its worth
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
fall on your knees! oh hear the angel voices!
oh night divine! oh night when Christ was born!

whimsical = my new favorite word.

a couple of things i learned from this weekend:

1.) stuffing envelopes is infinitely better when done in the company of good friends...especially fellow staff workers who understand the necessity of said envelopes. and even better when topped off with egg nog milkshakes from cook out.

2.) the santa clause (movie) brings back great childhood memories. even if it does induce a certain amount of eye-rolling.

3.) mice have no shame. and they need to exit my household immediately. the eviction notice has been SERVED.

4.) i detest leaving a fine dining establishment and smelling like burned pancakes...especially if aforementioned dining establishment does not serve such breakfast fare.

5.) i can tolerate glitter. in small amounts.

6.) will ferrell is a comedic genius.

7.) i love hot tea before bed. especially when i am developing a tiny cough. cough.

8.) i miss my students. already.

9.) i am getting more and more excited about urbana. BRING. ON. THE. COLD. WEATHER.

10.) i am blessed beyond comprehension. He takes care of me in ways i can't even fathom. oh, come let us adore Him...

stars.

a few nights ago, i hit a moment. i knew i needed to do something. i needed to go somewhere. i felt anxious. and my head was clouded with thoughts. i needed fresh air. and in that moment, i missed my spot on the river back home.

i grabbed the keys and headed to my car...and i ended up driving around. all told, i put 70 miles on the camry. i listened to praise music and drove out to jordan lake. and i realized...what i really needed was a moment to feel how small i am...and how big He is.

i think that's why i love star-gazing so much. i feel tiny. everything is instantly put into perspective. i can step outside of myself and my own little worldview and realize just how Great our God is...and how He really does know what He's doing, even if i don't. i like that feeling.

so last night, i again jumped in the car (this time with a couple of friends) and drove out to a random little road in the middle of nowhere for the express purpose of watching a meteor shower. i had known about this upcoming celestial-feast-for-the-eyes for about a month...and i was honestly counting down the days until i could experience some of God's very own fireworks.

i saw a huge streak across the sky before we left...so i knew that once we got beyond the city lights, it would be grand.

we parked. got out of the car. laid down, faces heavenward...and waited.

and waited.

and then...they came. tiny ones....and huge streaks...and flashes of green light.

but they were there. and it made my soul ever-so-content.

and i think that's a pretty perfect picture of how God is operating in my life these days. i sit...looking to Him...and wait for the goodness to come...in any form or fashion...when i least expect it. and in the meantime, i get a pretty amazing display of His majesty.

praise God from Whom all blessings flow...

still dancing.

i have a small painting hanging in my apartment. it's a small flower with the words: "i get up. i walk. i fall down. meanwhile, i keep dancing."

i see this painting everyday. it has been hanging in my various places of residence over the past few years. it has only been within the past few weeks that this simple statement has had any meaning in my life.

i spoke with my good friend katie s. the other night. besides the fact that i adore her and our candid conversations, she gave me a profound thought i have spent some time working through and through...

"i am still tripping and stumbling through life and that's OK."

being a visual person (the whole art-major-thing should speak to this...), i quite enjoy any image i can glean from conversations. and i immediately saw myself walking down a sidewalk, tripping, falling forward, catching myself and then laughing my head off as i continued on my journey.

it feels good to laugh at myself. it feels good to give myself some grace every once in a while.

why can't i?

seriously...what is it that makes us so hard on ourselves? why can't we take a few stumbles in stride, realize it's a part of life, laugh and enjoy the walk?

"i need Your grace to remind me to find my own." - snow patrol

i am close to entering into my 25th year of life. why the pressure to have it all together? it's self-induced, that's for sure. that's part of the journey, right? navigating this crazy path full of moments designed to trip us up...reasons to duck for cover...forks in the road...slippery, unsteady steps...

i am learning to delight in the things i don't know. in the things that force me to slow down. in the things that throw me a little off course.

whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'this is the way; walk in it...' - isaiah 30:21

something tells me that walk wasn't without a few moments of humility...

i want to be fully used by Him.

that means tripping, falling down, rolling over, looking up at the sky, laughing at myself and saying, "ok, God...i get it...do with me what You will...even if that means looking like a fool from time to time..."

i lay it down.

our determination to fully trust no one must die and an eager willingness to receive what is best from others and to give what is best from within ourselves must take place. that only happens when people feel loved, safe enough to face their dependency, trusting enough to enjoy what someone else gives, and courageous enough to offer who they truly are to another. - the safest place on earth (crabb)

the past two weeks have been intense...not only for my personal walk with Him, but within our chapter as students face academic obligations and struggles within their own faith journeys.

in the face of this somewhat overwhelming time, i have been confronted continually with the idea of vulnerability and the need for open, honest communication.

it seems to me that is it is ridiculously true that when we feel most broken or confused we isolate ourselves and mutter, "it's just you and me, God." we are afraid of being weak in front of others...we are scared of what someone might think if we let them see just how broken we are...and we don't like the thought of developing accountability because sometimes it's just easier to sit in our darkness.

sometimes we even leave God out of the equation and try to operate out of our own strength...either out of pride or lack of awareness about His purpose in our healing. this never gets us anywhere. (can i get an amen?!)

is it not possible that God sometimes cries out to us to lay down our brokenness before one another?

generally, i feel under attack after a particularly difficult conversation. if i have opened myself up (even a little), i walk away thinking, "i shouldn't have said that...i said too much...i wish i could rephrase that...i revealed too much of my struggle..."

of COURSE i would feel that attack. the Enemy doesn't want us to live out what we have been designed for...community. our original intention was for relationship both with God and with each other...and this includes moments of complete humility and vulnerability. it means that we can lay our junk before another without the fear of condemnation or judgment...and that we will be loved.

does this always happen? no. we are sinful people indeed and sometimes we let ourselves get in the way of God. however, in those amazing relationships where such God-directed openness occurs, we are truly glorifying Him and living out our original design.

it is taking me some time to realize the value of my vulnerability.

to have a dear friend look me in the eye and say, "i want to listen" has been one of the most powerful moments in the last few days. there is release. there is freedom in knowing that i can lay it down before another, knowing i will be loved...i will be prayed for...i am valued even in my brokenness.

has He not come to bind up the brokenhearted? (isaiah 61)

if that is so (and i believe it is with all of my might)...then we must admit when our heart is broken and be willing to be bound to another in all of their brokenness, too, to receive release from darkness.

"...one of the aspects of genuine, healthy relatedness is that people don't hide their vulnerability from one another and are not ashamed of who they are before each other." - how people grow (cloud & townsend)

i am learning to delight in allowing someone the chance to "carry another's burden"...and i see how such an act of letting others pour Truth into me overflows into others...builds my character as a woman of Him...and begins the process of putting my heart back together again...