prophetic.

his foot couldn't stop shaking while he listened. i could tell he was uncomfortable and a little nervous to be in that small church. everyone around him was speaking loud praises to God...singing Scripture...waving their hands...kneeling down on the wooden floor. i couldn't hold back, though. i stood and raised my hands, closed my eyes and sang with everything in me.

i lost touch with the world for a few minutes and snapped back once i realized the pastor now had a hold on him. his arms around his shoulders, speaking into his ear. i sat down. i could only hear a few phrases every now and again over the music and prayers. i wanted to listen but i knew it wasn't my moment.

i smiled.

i had been praying for a broken shell. a penetration of the Holy Spirit. a refreshing touch from above. i wanted him to experience God like i do. better than i do. i wanted him to feel the Presence. i prayed that God would be BIG tonight.

He delivered. and rocked him to the core. maybe that's why his foot couldn't stop shaking.

it was perfect. because it was His word. it was His direction.

i walked away with a few seeds of my own...bits of divine knowledge i will subsequently journal through and through. and she walked away with a greater understanding of thankfulness and what that means for the day-to-day.

He never ceases to amaze me. He never ceases to remind me of His power and presence.

tonight was a good night. hallelujah.

back to the basics...

it's been an interesting couple of weeks. things slowed down in the everyday sense of the word...and with that extra time on my hands, i began to panic somewhat.

i finally realized that i needed to step away from all things fund development for a few days and just pray/spend time in the Word. and i did. and it was intense.

but it wasn't enough, sad to say...because i was still dwelling on FD and money and logistics and phone calls and everything. bah.

i knew i needed prayer and encouragement...so it was off to richmond to meet with my pastor. and that's exactly what i got. testimony after testimony of God's faithfulness and provision. and prayer...lots of honest, affirming, confident prayer.

it's august 22...and i would love to say that i am moving to chapel hill in the next few weeks, but alas...God has other plans.

i am at 36% of my budget...and the only thing that can make that happen would be miracles from the Lord.

and you know what? i truly believe that miracles will happen soon. i know He will provide. i don't question it anymore. i choose to declare that He will take care of my needs.

100% is no big deal for Him. so now i am learning to abide in Him...trying to figure out exactly what that means...and how i can trust Him for all of it.

God will provide....and again i will say, God will provide.

learning to see...

so. things are finally slowing down a bit. i am home...and i plan on staying that way for a few weeks. PRAISE THE LORD. i like the idea of sleeping in my own bed for more than 3-4 days at a time. anyway.

this past weekend i spent some time in tennessee for my family reunion. it happens every 2 years...and i haven't been in a while because of summer school (yay for trying to finish grad school as soon as possible) so it was good to go and see everyone. i ended up giving a presentation to my family, seeking prayerful and financial support for next year.

not a single response.

and you know? it was OK. it was MORE than OK because God immediately showed me the blessings that spawned out of that experience, such as being able to share my testimony with my family, some time with my aunt during which a few tears fell and the opportunity to walk down to the water's edge and release it all.

as hard as it was at the time to walk away with no support, i am beginning to see the greater purposes in these negative responses. i know God has so much more than He needs to work through with me. i am ready.

i took a few days off from fund development last week...and i spent that time painting, working in my art book and journaling...it was hard to walk away...but ultimately extremely good for my soul. i needed to retreat and allow myself to worship the Lord through my art. so i have started a series of paintings...and they all include trees...i am still trying to figure out why and what that means biblically for me...we shall see.

this week is pretty low-key for me. i intend to spend some major time in prayer...for so many things.

what i want to study: faith like a mustard seed.

what i am thankful for: the fact that God doesn't give up on me...amazing friends who walk beside me and support me...my mom's jokes that make me smile...conversations that are tough, but refining...new praise music that brings joy to my heart...

current favorite verse: yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. for the Lord is a God of justice. blessed are all who wait for him! - isaiah 30:18

step by step...

flames.

so i have had quite a few people ask about my fund development endeavors. my response? "it's a refiner's fire. and i am grateful because i wouldn't rely on the Lord like i do without this challenge." and that's the truth.

i have had some successful appointments & phone calls. and it is becoming easier to share my passion. sure, there are still those moments when i stare at the phone and make up an excuse as to why i am NOT calling Mr. X...but those ridiculous times are fewer and far between.

as each day passes, i become more and more excited about next year. i had a friend ask me recently if i feel excited or if i am holding off on the excitement until i know my funding will come in.

good question. and three months ago, i would have answered that i was holding off on the excitement. but i have come to realize that doing so is really just great mistrust in the Lord. and i choose to trust. i think He WANTS me to be excited so that His provision and blessing is that much sweeter. i can't ask the "what if the money doesn't come in?" because that means i am relying on myself and my own doing...and not Him.

and i can't do that. i don't want any part of that. i choose Him. i choose faith that moves mountains. or money.

and when it comes down to it, none of this is about percentages or budgets or how much money i will get per month. it comes down to my relationship with my Jesus. and that is more valuable than any figure interVarsity could give me.

my new favorite verse? romans 11:29...for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable.

that is the truth that i choose to walk in as i continue this challenge.

and what makes this journey even sweeter is the incredible relationships that have formed because of this calling. walking side-by-side with the other interns who are dealing with the same emotions/spiritual challenges makes me smile at how GOOD God is...and how much He wants to take care of us. by any means.

i take all of this in.
i see the purpose in it.
i revel in His goodness.
and i praise Him for His faithfulness.

wide awake.

it's 12:55 in the morning. watching pride & prejudice and thinking about what needs to get done tomorrow.

in all of my phone calls to potential donors, i am discovering that some of my letters never made it to their final destination....say whaaaaaaat? this is a somewhat scary thought...which inevitably causes the "how many other mailboxes stayed hungry for my letter of love?!" panic attack...and then i am reminded...

He is in control. i am not.

He knows exactly what He is doing. i don't.

He is perfect. i am far from that adjective.

and i calm down...return to my strange love affair with elizabeth bennet and mr. darcy. and all is well with the world.

i had an appointment earlier today...and it went really well...even before i knocked on their front door.

a little story of God's faithfulness and my stupidity (all wrapped up in one fabulous tale!):

i was on my way to the appointment and i was running a little late, so i decided to pass some slow-pokes in front of the LA MBL. except that i decided to do this in a no-passing zone...and didn't realize that one of the cars coming towards me just so happened to be a state tropper.

faaaaaaaaaaaabulous.

of course he stops in the middle of the road, turns around, races up behind me and pulls this now-freaking-out laura over. great.

weirdest reaction ever? i start laughing...hysterically...and i believe i started singing tracy chapman's "fast car" in my head. anyway. by the time Officer Speedtrap gets to my window, i am cheesing like a 4-year-old with no teeth smiling for her preschool photo. and the officer? he is laughing, too. i am already armed with my license and registration...which he takes...asks where i am going so fast...and then i think, "do i tell him i am on my way to ask for financial support for God's ministry...or no." i opt for, "i was on my way to a meeting...and i am late...no excuse, i know." he looks around. hands me my license again. and says, "this is your lucky day, kid. slow down." and WALKS AWAY.

whaaaaaaaaat?! i was going 34 miles over the speed limit when he caught me...granted, i was passing people...but COME ON. i could have easily landed in court over that stupid mistake...and yet God is GOOD and lets me drive away with my record unscathed.

it was a christmas miracle. in july.

i laughed the entire way to the appointment...praying...laughing some more.

i learned my lesson.

God's timing is infinitely better than mine. even on the road.

aaaaaamen.

home. and overwhelmed.

well, i am home from orientation for new staff (ONS) in madison, wisconsin. that was the longest and best 10 days of my summer thus far. why madison? that's where interVarsity's headquarters reside...but i still don't know how they landed in wisconsin. perhaps there are some mysteries i will never solve.

so. it was 10 days of fund development training...meeting amazing new people...visiting the national office...bonding with my region and small group...eating fantastic amounts of ethnic food...training in developing multiethnic witnessing communities within our chapters...tough conflicts/conversations...facing things from my past that i *thought* i had reconciled...and tons and tons of prayer.

it was exactly what i needed.

God never ceases to amaze me. He has spoken to me on various fronts...and i am ready to hear more.

so i am home. to continue my fund development...but with a few more amazing people to walk beside me.

and i see His provision.

so i think i am really learning to stop asking "what if" and proclaiming "let go" instead.

thanks be to God and God alone.

how i roll.

so.

a sizable chunk of my letters have been mailed...and i will send a few more tomorrow. *phew*

now begins the daily checkage of the mailbox to see God's provision arrive through the united states postal service.

i have not been able to secure a part-time job...leaving me somewhat stir-crazy as i adapt to a different set of activities to keep me occupied.

i spend every morning doing laps at the community pool...helping little ladies that have in fact stated "i've fallen and i can't get up" all the while dodging creepy men in the speedos. it's a grand time.

so i believe this summer is about getting the LaLa in check: mind, body and soul. that's my job.

when not fiddling around williamsburg, i bounce up to richmond to hang out with my twin and assorted church folk.

and this has gotten me very excited about meeting amazing amounts of new people next year.

THAT, my friends, keeps me amped up and ready for Him.