ready for my lunch box.

the summer is coming to a close. for me (a teacher), it's a mixed bag.

i am always keenly aware of this abundant blessing of a whole two months to do whateveeeeer i want. i don't take that for granted. in fact, i think i covet the idea just a little too much. we can talk about that later. over chocolate, maybe?

i have been so blessed this summer with opportunities to see family and friends around this country of ours. i've spent a great deal of time with my parents and i am realizing the older i get, the more i appreciate my time with both of them. i don't want to take that for granted, either. this summer has been a fabulous mix of travel/visiting/cook-outs/wine with friends/and quiet time alone in the stillness of everyday.

but here's a confession:

i am ready for routine again. i am such a creature of habit, that i am actually craving the alarm clock a little. while i don't always adore everything that comes with public education, i do enjoy having a daily purpose. i miss my students. re-reading some earlier posts has made that abundantly clear.

i look forward to more posts about the quirkiness of my job. stay tuned.

*sidenote: i am currently reading temple grandin's thinking in pictures: my life with autism and it is FASCINATING. please read.

so tonight, i raise my wine glass and say "cheers" to summer, in all its glory.

it's been a blessing, dear friend. see you next june.

lovebugs.

tomorrow is our middle school dance.

i'm not talking about the general education crowd here. no, this dance is for my population of students. those in self-contained autism or intellectual disability programs throughout the county.

this is its third year now, and from what i hear, it's a pretty big deal. one middle school hosts all of us. we jump on a yellow bus, all dolled up, and head over for some pizza, snacks, social skills lessons, and of course, dancing.

i'm not sure i'll be able to sleep tonight thinking about the awesomeness that is to come.

during social skills today, we talked about what it means to get ready for a big event like a dance.

the resounding cry? BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

yes, folks, we're *trying* to emphasize personal hygiene. it's important, is it not?

one of the boys told me that he had 13 rules to get ready for the dance. he proudly stood up and shared his insight with us. i can't remember it all, but here are some highlights:

"number one...brush your teef, comb your hair, wear colognes and dress nice.

number two...respect the ladies.

number four...do 10 push-ups, 5 crunches, 10 more push-ups. you want to be buff. like a ladies man.

number 7...to ask a girl to dance, you put your hand out and say, 'may i have this dance?' and she will say yes."

(at this point, i asked, "but what if she says no?" he held up his finger and replied...)

"number eight...be flexible.

number nine...find a lovebug.

number eleven...use a tissue to wipe your nose. because that's nasty.

number thirteen...do more push-ups."

oh, i am giddy.

eastern religion.

the other day for science, we watched an episode of sid the science kid on PBS. usually, i can tolerate kid-friendly programming in small doses -- but this particular episode was proving to be more than i could handle.

it was explaining the science behind inhaling and exhaling.

to support its point, it featured a music video with a lone cartoon woman singing, "breathe in...breathe out..." over and over again.

it was just too much.

we turned off the episode before it was finished, much to the chagrin of the one little scientist in my room (the only one of my four boys actually paying attention to the sad, sad vocals coming from the TV).

the next day during morning social skills, someone brought up the music video and the adults began to chuckle at the recollection.

my little scientist/kid who is obsessed with social studies [we are multi-layered in our corner of the school] piped up and said:

breathing in and out. that's what they do when they are practicing that religion in asia. booty-ism. right?

again, it was just too much. in the very best possible way.

you can run...but you can't hide.

ok, so anyone who knows me knows that i deal with a peculiar ailment from time to time. i once even had a pot luck celebration in its honor. i'm talking about good ol' gastroparesis.

the quick recap: i was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. it's been an exhausting/encouraging/enlightening battle that i feel like (most days) i am winning. i keep it under control with the help of medication and i've been in "remission" for about 2 years (meaning my symptoms are usually absent from day-to-day life and my diet is not that limited, compared to the months following my diagnosis).

here's the thing.

about a year ago, i realized that my stomach was getting way too much attention. it had its own name at one point. my friends, all-amazing that they are, frequently asked about my digestive health. i started to feel defined by this illness. and i started to run, not literally (at first), but i wanted nothing to do with the labels that come with GP.

weak. sick. frail. needy.

(i know now, in my older and wiser state, that these labels did not have life outside of my own mind. they simply are not true for me and for many others with gastroparesis.)

i come from a fairly charismatic background in my faith and i often joked in college that you have to "name and claim" your blessings. now i'm not so sure about this theology (?), but i did know that i no longer wanted to claim this illness. i didn't even want to speak it out-loud. it became the thing that should not be named.

and since i was in remission, it was fairly easy to dodge this bullet and any conversation associated with it.

until two weeks ago.

since the beginning of january, i've been engaged in a full-on mission to take care of my body. i've been exercising at least 5 times a week (i've started jogging! yay!), weighing my food to watch portion sizes, and eating A LOT of fiber & other good-for-you food items.

since i've been in remission, i thought i could just up the ante with my fiber/fresh vegetable intake and no one would be the wiser. i had been eating salads every now and then. why not throw in a few more? granola bars and i were BFFs. whole wheat was my motto.

my stomach had other thoughts. all of that über-healthy eating finally caught up to me and i had to realize that while oats are good and tolerable for me, there are limits to this love.

nausea is no bueno.

it's been slightly heart-breaking and humbling. it was so sad to shop for the foods i once purchased after my diagnosis. jell-o. WHITE toast. WHITE mashed potatoes. chicken noodle soup that did not contain whole wheat pasta.

i am realizing that i need to learn that it's OK to eat semolina pasta (in small amounts). the world and my weight-loss journey will not stop because of it. it's OK to eat potatoes that are not orangey-sweet in variety. fresh vegetables can still live in my fridge, as long as they only come out to play a few times a week.

it's all OK. i know this set-back is temporary. i know my healing is still intact. i believe the Lord is continuing to fix what is broken.

as much as i may want to deny my diagnosis, running from it has some pretty awful side effects. and while i am NOT defined by this illness, i can't ignore what my body tells me.

more than that, i can't ignore what God tells me. yes, i have a crazy stomach. and yes, i am in remission (hallelujah). however, He is still in control. and i am still called to take care of my temple the best way i can -- and that means with a SMART head about me.

i also think it's no coincidence that the words associated with GP have been creeping back into my life. i missed a lot of work last week because of my overdose on all-things-bran. and i had to humbly ask a co-worker for assistance. i was forced to admit my illness (again) to which she responded with the utmost grace.

then i had a dear friend slip me this article that appeared in Richmond Magazine. it led me to this blog. and i feel like i have found a friend, though i've never met her. i know i am not alone. even within the confines of my small city in virginia.

so, i may not fully "claim" gastroparesis on the daily, but i do know that it's still there. i am still dealing with its effects from time to time. it's not a bad word.

more than anything? i am conquering it. one bran muffin at a time.

(but not more than twice a week.)

just sayin'.

rockin' it out.

soooo, i teach a public school autism program.

i absolutely love my job. (except for that pesky legal paperwork. pshaaaw.)

why do i adore my current career path?

i laugh. everyday.

commence examples:

* one of my four boys has a strong affinity for all-things social studies. ask him anything about japan or the mariana trench or george washington carver, and he's your basic walking encyclopedia. give him some MATH problems, however, and we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, complete with hand gestures and small groans.

no matter. he told me just last week that with all of this addition/multiplication practice i am giving him, he is "destined to be a great mathmagician." this is also the same child who has a new obsession with "papua new ga-lin-ee"

* many kids with autism engage in "TV talk" throughout life. when they can't find the words they want/need, they revert to someone else's -- usually from television or movies. my guy is no exception and most of his communication comes in this form. some favorite moments:

walking to the bus one afternoon, my guy grabs my hand and with a super-serious look on his face says, "ms. x -- did you know that 15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?" not what i was expecting, to say the least.

this same guy and i were sitting outside on a bench one day, waiting for his classmates. a recognizable orange van drove by and i immediately hear, clear as a bell and in that familiar jingle, "call 1-800-steamer!"

he also likes to stand up and yell, "DING-A-LING!" while pointing to the ceiling during the quietest of moments in class -- startling everyone to pieces, while he sits back down and giggles like a mad scientist.

* another of my boys likes to "rock it out" everyday -- meaning he engages in calming, self-stimulatory behavior in the form of rocking back and forth in his chair. during this time, he usually likes to sing. his favorite song to belt out? "put your records on" by corinne bailey rae. i almost die every time his sweet voice gets to "you go ahead, let your hair doooooown"

* the last of my four boys has some serious pent-up energy and if i don't allow for him to "get the energies out" at least once a day, we are headed down a rough road. my solution? we put on the song "dog days are over" after lunch and run around the room like crazed people. it's absolutely fantastic. and after our last session with florence + the machine, this little guy sat down, put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "the energies are gone. time to go home."

they have captured my heart. and i wish i could record our conversations to save for a rainy day.

for now, i'll make do with a few memories of my boys, in all of their quirky glory.

don't stop believin'.

i am on a quest. and i'm not going to be too quiet about it.

to the point: i feel a strong conviction/desire/motivation to take care of my temple, ya'll.

i know, i know...i've said this before. i've made cheeky "resolutions" to work out & eat better.

something has clicked this time, friends. and i have YOU and you and you to thank for it.

the difference? accountability. my family & friends have been FANTASTIC in asking me how i am doing in regards to my commitment to my physical health. knowing that there are people around me "watching" -- but really, supporting -- has made all of the difference.

and isn't that what true community/accountability is about? we are CALLED to hold one another up. and the only way our sin or secrets can get battled out is to continuously expose them to the light.

consider this my plea: when you talk to me, don't be afraid to ask me about my current relationship status with my treadmill. i welcome the challenge. i need your support. i cannot fight this battle alone.

whoa. i'm feeling vulnerable! eeeeek!

new year's day grab bag.

resurrected. (for you, girl-CK.)

1. i now have eyeglasses. i am trying to pretend they make me chic and sophisticated -- and while i only need them for reading/working on the computer/driving at night, they have CHANGED MY LIFE. see evidence of these stylish frames below.

2. grands flaky layers biscuits have got to be the modern-day equivalent of manna from heaven. i'm just sayin'.

3. do NOT go see how do you know starring reese witherspoon/owen wilson/paul rudd. you know it's bad when the best line of the movie is as follows: that's the opposite of a bus strike. it's not even worth giving context.

4. i bought a jar of chinese 5-spice for an upcoming recipe. however, i opened the jar to check out the mixture & get a preview of the goodness forthcoming...and i chickened out and couldn't make the noodle-y soup. the spice has licorice root. what? someone, please motivate me to give this one a try.

5. my delicious discovery over winter break:

6. a well-placed pun is my favorite form of humor. my current favorite (in light of my newest addition): she wears eyeglasses during math. it helps with division. [gets me every time.]

7. 1.1.11. for someone who has slight OCD-tendencies, it's a neat & clean date. i'll take it. afterall, the number one has all kind of connotations to unity & new beginnings. my charismatic self will claim both of these things. thank you, Jesus.

hit it!

(did anyone else just hear the beginning of it takes two to make a thing go ri--iiight by rob base & DJ EZ rock? no?)

my jam.

i've had questions without answers
i've known sorrow, i have known pain
but there's one thing that i cling to
You are faithful, Jesus, You're true

when hope is lost
i'll call You Savior
when pain surrounds
i'll call You Healer
when silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

in the lone hour of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
my defender forever more

when hope is lost
i'll call You Savior
when pain surrounds
i'll call You Healer
when silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

and i will praise You
i will Praise You
when the tears fall
still I will sing to You
i will praise You
Jesus, praise You
through the suffering
still I will sing to You

when the laughter fails to comfort
when my heart aches, Lord, are you there?
when confusion is all around me
and the darkness is my closest friend
still I'll praise You
Jesus, praise You...

barley and blessings.

"You make everything glorious - and i am Yours - what does that make me?"

sometimes you just need some david crowder band to speak some Truth, ya know?

i have to say, friends...life is pretty A-OK these days. it's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but i have been more cognizant of the Lord's hand upon my life. i've been better able to recognize His blessings (tangible and not) and i find myself praising Him with more regularity. it does wonders for the body and soul.

i recently finished a Bible study book with some of my JMU girls called "no other gods" by kelly minter. it was fantastic for many, many reasons - chiefly, it gave me a broader perspective on the things that i constantly put before the Lord. they are more numerous than i care to delineate here.

i've been walking in conviction and clarity.

along with realizing my own sin, i have come to a greater understanding and depth when it comes to His presence in my life and the blessings that He wishes to bestow.

in the Book of Ruth, it speaks of God's PERFECT timing (far better than any human could orchestrate). ruth and naomi arrive in bethlehem just as the barley harvest was beginning. if they had arrived a mere 1 week prior to this, ruth would not have had her encounter with boaz in his field. he wouldn't have been harvesting and she wouldn't have had the opportunity to glean. God's perfect timing lead to a beautiful love story and ultimately, the lineage of Jesus.

i know this "beginning of the barley harvest" seems like a small detail, but it rang as incredibly profound for me.

His timing is best. He clearly knows what He is doing (and 99% of the time, i don't). He has it all planned out (again, i don't even know what i am doing tomorrow). why don't i trust His plan? why do i question His timing? why do i walk forward, thinking that i know the best possible scenario? (i cringe with the vanity of it all.)

the Bible is full of testimony after testimony of God's perfect provision at the perfect moment. oh, how i wish to add to those testimonies with my own life. and oh, how my sin stops me from truly walking in His will.

i would love for my constant prayer to be "yet, not as a i will...but as You will." (matthew 26:39)

it's incredibly convicting. He has proven His credibility in this arena since the beginning of time, literally. it's all in His hands anyway, right?

when i really meditate on this Truth, i am free to take a deep breath and realize that His plan and His time will win out.

it always does. it's always best.

may i ever claim this.

ebbs and flows.

i've had too much confirmation over the past few weeks that a return to my blog would be a good thing. so, here i am. truth be told, i've missed it.

so much has happened in the past YEAR that it's difficult to know where to begin. the nitty-gritty details: i survived my first official year of teaching! i believe it went well - it was damn hard (sorry, there's no other way to describe it) - but i finished the year strong. ultimately, i do love what i do. i'm not so sure i love the paperwork involved with exceptional education, but a quick hug from a "tough" 8th grade boy makes all of that wonderfully melt away.

charlie and i are still rockin' it out in our apartment. i look around sometimes and praise God for His tangible blessings, especially charlie. his presence has been absolutely perfect, particularly when i am not feeling well...which leads to the next detail...

my gastroparesis has calmed down quite a bit (hallelujah!). this summer has produced many "am i on my way to healing?" thoughts - there are still bumps in the road, but i haven't been so gentle with it - my bad, yo (sometimes a girl just wants some fresh vegetables/fruit!). all in all, i feel good. i've committed to working out regularly (and while that has been a challenge, too) i feel/see the fruits of my labor and i thank God that i am able to rock out the treadmill. my next physical challenge: the Ukrops 8K in november - walking, not running. i'm not THAT crazy. wooohooooo.

this has been a spiritually challenging year. it would be fair to say that my heart has taken a beating. it is healing, though - it's just a slower, longer process than i would have guessed. God has done a great work to show me my worth. i am learning to walk in His words/promises/love. i have taken some fairly drastic steps to fight for my worth. i recently began a study on believing God - we are all very quick to say that we believe IN God, but do we really believe HIM - do we believe His Word, what He says to us, even what He shows us? why do we so often dismiss His work just because there is no tangible evidence?

Hebrews says that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (11:1). so, why do i beg God for evidence of His work in my life? as my dear friend said recently, "if there were evidence, there would be no faith." and truly, His work is made manifest everyday - but do i open my eyes to see it?

i am learning that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. i want to be unwaivering in what i believe - in the good i believe has been promised to me.

one of my favorite musicians is the folk artist, william fitzsimmons. i stumbled across his song "goodmorning" and delighted in the following lyrics:

moonlight will fall
winter will end
harvest will come
your heart will mend

goodmorning
goodmorning
you will find love...

it was a fantastic reminder that God gives us seasons for a specific purpose - and that seasons will end - and there is ultimately something good on the other side.

so, while my heart may hurt while this season's sun sets and rises, i am confident that not-too-long-from-now, it will be bursting with joy.

and that, my friends, is a great promise of faith.

dang, gina.

has it really been since june that i last made a few declarations?

geeeeeez.

quite a bit has happened...actually, nothing too major, but a few ramblings are forthcoming.

for now, i need to go prepare myself for my triumphant return to work tomorrow after two glorious weeks off.

i *heart* being a teacher. for many, many reasons.

stay tuned. stay cool.

rollin' with it.

many a thing has changed since my last full entry. let's see...

* charlie and i now reside in our very own apartment in the west end. charlie likes the walks around the complex, leash in his mouth, a bounce in his step. i do think he misses parkside, though. and so do i.

* i took on a full-time teaching gig to finish out the school year, so i instantly went from instructional assistant to 8th grade exceptional education physical science teacher. yeah...what? laura...science? naaaaaaaaah. somehow, by the grace of God, it worked out...and i actually fell a little in love with formulas for acceleration, the forces of magnetism, energy transfers and the like. i actually used my masters degree! imagine that!

* along with finishing out the year, i was offered a contract for next school year...8th grade exceptional education english. much more my speed...and i must confess that i am pretty excited. bring. it.

* as if that weren't enough, i went a little crazy and decided to teach summer school. so, i spend a good 6 hours a day offering reading/math remediation for students that need a little extra help over the summer. so far, i love my students. it's a very relaxed atmosphere and we talk about all kinds of things. fun fact: we all love cold pizza. go figure.

* health update: it's been an up-and-down few months. i think the all-of-the-sudden stress i've faced since the beginning of may only exacerbated the gastroparesis and i've seen a good many days out-of-commission. it's OK, though. it gives me a chance to think through issues that i tend to run from with great effort. i'm continually humbled/reminded of my incredible blessings. i don't take my good days for granted...not like i used to, at least. that's a good thing.

in light of everything, i am content...but very aware of how i am in the middle of a giant gleaning process with the Lord. He's preparing my life...my heart...my mind for something great yet-to-come. i feel it in my spirit. my BFF and i have logged lots of hours recently talking about the transformation that He is doing in both of us...and i am amazingly blessed to have someone to keep me accountable/pray/encourage me through it all. (thanks, twin.)

i'll speak more on these thoughts/issues from above in another post...but for now, know that the Lord is incredible and incredibly comforting, especially in the midst of change.

peace in my soul. joy in my heart.

the way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance, every trial, straight from the hand of a loving Father; and to live up in the heavenly places, above the clouds, in the very presence of the throne, and to look down from the glory upon our environment as lovingly and divinely appointed. - streams in the desert

that's my prayer today.

[taking a deep breath.]

baby bites of saltines.

i've been living in a lie the past month, or so. i am living as if i am not dealing with a chronic illness. i have been throwing caution to the wind and saying, "screw it...i'll be fine." i've been eating food items that i know will most likely cause some issues. and i've been OK...until now.

my lack of concern...my ignorance...my irresponsibility have all caught up with me.

God has gently tapped me on the shoulder and offered a soft "slow down."

so, as it is, i have spent the day curled up...drifting in and out of sleep...and stumbling upon fabulous articles in small magazines concerning God, healing and the process of dealing with a chronic illness.

good timing.

i believe, one way or the other, we are pushed to face that which we try so desperately to ignore. it may hide for a time...but God likes to bring it back...and only the way He can.

so i've been processing/thinking through what's been going on with me and GP the past couple of months. i've got some work to do. i don't have any profound, organized thoughts to share quite yet. my ministry is still in the works, i think.

in a moment of needing to revel in the idea that other people in the world understand all-things-gastroparesis, i wandered over to a website designed to bring all of us GP people together...the gastroparesis patient association for cures and treatments, inc.

in the midst of the sadness, i am incredibly thankful for people and their gift of humor. enjoy the following poem, written by two kindred spirits in the world of GP.

A GPers Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for food my stomach to keep
If I should die before I wake
At least in heaven I can eat some steak

Or if I live for just one more day
Let my stomach behave so I can play
Remembering the times when things were good
When my stomach dumped downward the way it should

When I didn't have to worry what I ate
I could sit and enjoy a heaping plate
No pills to take so I can take sips
And not worry about what crosses my lips

Written by Monalisa (Idiopathic GP) and Rudy (Idiopathic GP), August 2001

too long.

as i sit here and mull over the millions of things that have transpired since my last post, i admit that i have been somewhat overwhelmed by life's circumstances in the last month+.

lots of unknowns. lots of decisions to make.

more than that, i've had lots of good conversation. meaningful conversation. and that has brought some peace and relief to the day-to-day stress that seems to be mounting.

i read in a fellow blogger's post not-so-long-ago that sometimes God forces us to slow down and take a deep breath. this past week has been one long inhale/exhale. it's been my spring break. *a quick hallelujah for public education*

i had all of these grand plans to spend time with loved ones now far away. i was going to travel down south to my beloved chapel hill & revisit some of my favorite moments of last year. alas, my body (read: God) had other plans - landing me in bed for the past week with a sinus infection & bronchitis.

lovely.

and while i have been fairly miserable fending off this illness, i have had ample time to rest and get lost in the stillness surrounding me. and that has been quite the blessing, disguised in tissues, antibiotics and gatorade.

besides loads of time with my little man, i have come to realize something fairly profound. underneath the stress that is trying to take claim, i have discovered a very lovely truth: i am content. i am happy where i am, even with the unknowns.

it's been a long time since i could say such a bold statement with confidence.

i really do love my job. there are many days i leave school thinking, "God...is this really where you want me?"...but as i climb into bed at the end of the day, i find myself smiling at something ridiculous a student said ("roses are red, violets are blue, you're still my little cute cute")...or praying for a kid who desperately needs to know that she matters.

as much as i long to one day be a wife and mother, i find myself completely content with my single status these days. i'm enjoying this freedom and chance to discover what really makes this woman tick, good - bad - or indifferent. i know i've got much farther to go. i am OK with that.

i am beginning to see the incredible value in speaking out the deep questions that have developed over the past two years. and i am beginning to see that i am not defined by my circumstances. i am defined by something so much Greater. and i love that i get to speak out these deep questions with someone who challenges my thought processes, wingback chairs and church parlors included.

more than anything, i am learning the value of taking it all one. step. at. a. time.

it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

ruminating

it's been a while. and i feel a good, lenghty post coming on...but not at this particular moment. for now, enjoy this chestnut:

let us sing even when we do not feel like it, for thus we may give wings to leaden feet and turn weariness into strength. - j.h. jowett

a few o' my favorite things.

things i like (right now):

the smell of a fire in the winter.
sleeping in a men's white v-neck t-shirt (courtesy of hanes).
composition notebooks.
netflix.
felicity, season 3, on DVD.
old school toni braxton.
BBQ chicken.
dumplings from charlottesville.
2 thessalonians 2:16-17
the idea of fresh cut roses.
my newest painting.
honest conversation.

ramblings.

it's 7:02 on a saturday morning...and i'm awake because...well, because charlie needed to get up. and that is the blessing/curse of a small, furry companion sharing your sleeping quarters. nonetheless, i am awake and no longer sleepy. so let me just ramble, mmk?

i'm searching through my rather large iTunes library...and finding forgotten gems. it's like christmas morning all over again. sort of.

tonight is a dinner party with my teacher friends. i'm preparing my stomach muscles for how much they will ache after this evening's hilarity. they make me laugh like no other. and i love it.

i miss being an art major. i think i was the most emotionally healthy when immersed in the studio, just letting it all out. when/if i get a pay-raise, i am signing up for an art class.

for the second summer in a row, i never made it to the beach. (thanks, seamus.) i need to see the ocean. soon.

speaking of trips, a small adventure up to see the richmond skyline again might need to occur within the next month.

i *heart* spaghetti. seriously. and only a. miller understands the brown sugar logic behind this.

i just looked over into my room at my still-unmade bed...and i am now going to wander over there and crash.

good(morning)night

oh ye of little faith.

i know i've already posted once today...but i've been listening to mat kearney's music and i had to share his lyrics to 'in the middle'...good reminders of what i KNOW. (thank you, mama.)

*download and listen to the song for the full experience*

no parachutes or safety nets here
one foot in the water to face these fears
coming out strong like i can't be wrong
i said, i won't fall in the middle

and i'm gonna be alright, i'm gonna be alright
with you by my side
and i said, i'm gonna be alright, i'm gonna be alright
with you through this fight
through it all

my interpretation of the lyrics?...i immediately think of matthew 14:

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

may we all walk with confidence in His promise.

begin again.

it's 2008...and to that, i say a resounding "hallelujah!"

the past year was nothing short of tumultuous and i am extremely ready to let it go as i step forward into a year of healing and blessing. the purchase of a new composition notebook, already several pages penned, is providing a great release for the ramblings and resolutions coursing through my anxious mind. i begin 2008 wanting to lay down the difficult, yet purposeful happenings of 2007 for something great and glorifying to the Lord. i have confidence that God's plan of 2007 will ultimately be redeemed for His perfect design and purpose for my life.

at our last small group, we all took turns expressing our hope for the new year. my hope was for healing in every realm - physical, emotional and spiritual. we noted that in biblical numerology, 7 is the completion or perfection of things while 8 represents a new beginning. i am clinging to this significance/promise as i reflect over the past 12 months and look forward to the next season. i desire a fresh purpose and perspective.

in wanting to share my hope for this new year of the Lord, i sent a small message to a website that in turn printed my words on a small piece of confetti that was dropped on times square at the stroke of midnight. the message: hope. for health. restoration. healing. peace. and love.

maybe someone found it and dreams for the same. and that makes me smile in expectant joy.