a lovely work in progress.

ready for my lunch box.

2011-08-15T19:29:00.005-05:00

the summer is coming to a close. for me (a teacher), it's a mixed bag.

i am always keenly aware of this abundant blessing of a whole two months to do whateveeeeer i want. i don't take that for granted. in fact, i think i covet the idea just a little too much. we can talk about that later. over chocolate, maybe?

i have been so blessed this summer with opportunities to see family and friends around this country of ours. i've spent a great deal of time with my parents and i am realizing the older i get, the more i appreciate my time with both of them. i don't want to take that for granted, either. this summer has been a fabulous mix of travel/visiting/cook-outs/wine with friends/and quiet time alone in the stillness of everyday.

but here's a confession:

i am ready for routine again. i am such a creature of habit, that i am actually craving the alarm clock a little. while i don't always adore everything that comes with public education, i do enjoy having a daily purpose. i miss my students. re-reading some earlier posts has made that abundantly clear.

i look forward to more posts about the quirkiness of my job. stay tuned.

*sidenote: i am currently reading temple grandin's thinking in pictures: my life with autism and it is FASCINATING. please read.

so tonight, i raise my wine glass and say "cheers" to summer, in all its glory.

it's been a blessing, dear friend. see you next june.

lovebugs.

2011-05-05T19:17:00.004-05:00

tomorrow is our middle school dance.

i'm not talking about the general education crowd here. no, this dance is for my population of students. those in self-contained autism or intellectual disability programs throughout the county.

this is its third year now, and from what i hear, it's a pretty big deal. one middle school hosts all of us. we jump on a yellow bus, all dolled up, and head over for some pizza, snacks, social skills lessons, and of course, dancing.

i'm not sure i'll be able to sleep tonight thinking about the awesomeness that is to come.

during social skills today, we talked about what it means to get ready for a big event like a dance.

the resounding cry? BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

yes, folks, we're *trying* to emphasize personal hygiene. it's important, is it not?

one of the boys told me that he had 13 rules to get ready for the dance. he proudly stood up and shared his insight with us. i can't remember it all, but here are some highlights:

"number one...brush your teef, comb your hair, wear colognes and dress nice.

number two...respect the ladies.

number four...do 10 push-ups, 5 crunches, 10 more push-ups. you want to be buff. like a ladies man.

number 7...to ask a girl to dance, you put your hand out and say, 'may i have this dance?' and she will say yes."

(at this point, i asked, "but what if she says no?" he held up his finger and replied...)

"number eight...be flexible.

number nine...find a lovebug.

number eleven...use a tissue to wipe your nose. because that's nasty.

number thirteen...do more push-ups."

oh, i am giddy.

eastern religion.

2011-03-11T19:57:00.003-05:00

the other day for science, we watched an episode of sid the science kid on PBS. usually, i can tolerate kid-friendly programming in small doses -- but this particular episode was proving to be more than i could handle.

it was explaining the science behind inhaling and exhaling.

to support its point, it featured a music video with a lone cartoon woman singing, "breathe in...breathe out..." over and over again.

it was just too much.

we turned off the episode before it was finished, much to the chagrin of the one little scientist in my room (the only one of my four boys actually paying attention to the sad, sad vocals coming from the TV).

the next day during morning social skills, someone brought up the music video and the adults began to chuckle at the recollection.

my little scientist/kid who is obsessed with social studies [we are multi-layered in our corner of the school] piped up and said:

breathing in and out. that's what they do when they are practicing that religion in asia. booty-ism. right?

again, it was just too much. in the very best possible way.

you can run...but you can't hide.

2011-02-19T20:13:00.004-05:00

ok, so anyone who knows me knows that i deal with a peculiar ailment from time to time. i once even had a pot luck celebration in its honor. i'm talking about good ol' gastroparesis.

the quick recap: i was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. it's been an exhausting/encouraging/enlightening battle that i feel like (most days) i am winning. i keep it under control with the help of medication and i've been in "remission" for about 2 years (meaning my symptoms are usually absent from day-to-day life and my diet is not that limited, compared to the months following my diagnosis).

here's the thing.

about a year ago, i realized that my stomach was getting way too much attention. it had its own name at one point. my friends, all-amazing that they are, frequently asked about my digestive health. i started to feel defined by this illness. and i started to run, not literally (at first), but i wanted nothing to do with the labels that come with GP.

weak. sick. frail. needy.

(i know now, in my older and wiser state, that these labels did not have life outside of my own mind. they simply are not true for me and for many others with gastroparesis.)

i come from a fairly charismatic background in my faith and i often joked in college that you have to "name and claim" your blessings. now i'm not so sure about this theology (?), but i did know that i no longer wanted to claim this illness. i didn't even want to speak it out-loud. it became the thing that should not be named.

and since i was in remission, it was fairly easy to dodge this bullet and any conversation associated with it.

until two weeks ago.

since the beginning of january, i've been engaged in a full-on mission to take care of my body. i've been exercising at least 5 times a week (i've started jogging! yay!), weighing my food to watch portion sizes, and eating A LOT of fiber & other good-for-you food items.

since i've been in remission, i thought i could just up the ante with my fiber/fresh vegetable intake and no one would be the wiser. i had been eating salads every now and then. why not throw in a few more? granola bars and i were BFFs. whole wheat was my motto.

my stomach had other thoughts. all of that über-healthy eating finally caught up to me and i had to realize that while oats are good and tolerable for me, there are limits to this love.

nausea is no bueno.

it's been slightly heart-breaking and humbling. it was so sad to shop for the foods i once purchased after my diagnosis. jell-o. WHITE toast. WHITE mashed potatoes. chicken noodle soup that did not contain whole wheat pasta.

i am realizing that i need to learn that it's OK to eat semolina pasta (in small amounts). the world and my weight-loss journey will not stop because of it. it's OK to eat potatoes that are not orangey-sweet in variety. fresh vegetables can still live in my fridge, as long as they only come out to play a few times a week.

it's all OK. i know this set-back is temporary. i know my healing is still intact. i believe the Lord is continuing to fix what is broken.

as much as i may want to deny my diagnosis, running from it has some pretty awful side effects. and while i am NOT defined by this illness, i can't ignore what my body tells me.

more than that, i can't ignore what God tells me. yes, i have a crazy stomach. and yes, i am in remission (hallelujah). however, He is still in control. and i am still called to take care of my temple the best way i can -- and that means with a SMART head about me.

i also think it's no coincidence that the words associated with GP have been creeping back into my life. i missed a lot of work last week because of my overdose on all-things-bran. and i had to humbly ask a co-worker for assistance. i was forced to admit my illness (again) to which she responded with the utmost grace.

then i had a dear friend slip me this article that appeared in Richmond Magazine. it led me to this blog. and i feel like i have found a friend, though i've never met her. i know i am not alone. even within the confines of my small city in virginia.

so, i may not fully "claim" gastroparesis on the daily, but i do know that it's still there. i am still dealing with its effects from time to time. it's not a bad word.

more than anything? i am conquering it. one bran muffin at a time.

(but not more than twice a week.)

just sayin'.

rockin' it out.

2011-02-01T20:33:00.004-05:00

soooo, i teach a public school autism program.

i absolutely love my job. (except for that pesky legal paperwork. pshaaaw.)

why do i adore my current career path?

i laugh. everyday.

commence examples:

* one of my four boys has a strong affinity for all-things social studies. ask him anything about japan or the mariana trench or george washington carver, and he's your basic walking encyclopedia. give him some MATH problems, however, and we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, complete with hand gestures and small groans.

no matter. he told me just last week that with all of this addition/multiplication practice i am giving him, he is "destined to be a great mathmagician." this is also the same child who has a new obsession with "papua new ga-lin-ee"

* many kids with autism engage in "TV talk" throughout life. when they can't find the words they want/need, they revert to someone else's -- usually from television or movies. my guy is no exception and most of his communication comes in this form. some favorite moments:

walking to the bus one afternoon, my guy grabs my hand and with a super-serious look on his face says, "ms. x -- did you know that 15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?" not what i was expecting, to say the least.

this same guy and i were sitting outside on a bench one day, waiting for his classmates. a recognizable orange van drove by and i immediately hear, clear as a bell and in that familiar jingle, "call 1-800-steamer!"

he also likes to stand up and yell, "DING-A-LING!" while pointing to the ceiling during the quietest of moments in class -- startling everyone to pieces, while he sits back down and giggles like a mad scientist.

* another of my boys likes to "rock it out" everyday -- meaning he engages in calming, self-stimulatory behavior in the form of rocking back and forth in his chair. during this time, he usually likes to sing. his favorite song to belt out? "put your records on" by corinne bailey rae. i almost die every time his sweet voice gets to "you go ahead, let your hair doooooown"

* the last of my four boys has some serious pent-up energy and if i don't allow for him to "get the energies out" at least once a day, we are headed down a rough road. my solution? we put on the song "dog days are over" after lunch and run around the room like crazed people. it's absolutely fantastic. and after our last session with florence + the machine, this little guy sat down, put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "the energies are gone. time to go home."

they have captured my heart. and i wish i could record our conversations to save for a rainy day.

for now, i'll make do with a few memories of my boys, in all of their quirky glory.

don't stop believin'.

2011-01-12T19:57:00.002-05:00

i am on a quest. and i'm not going to be too quiet about it.

to the point: i feel a strong conviction/desire/motivation to take care of my temple, ya'll.

i know, i know...i've said this before. i've made cheeky "resolutions" to work out & eat better.

something has clicked this time, friends. and i have YOU and you and you to thank for it.

the difference? accountability. my family & friends have been FANTASTIC in asking me how i am doing in regards to my commitment to my physical health. knowing that there are people around me "watching" -- but really, supporting -- has made all of the difference.

and isn't that what true community/accountability is about? we are CALLED to hold one another up. and the only way our sin or secrets can get battled out is to continuously expose them to the light.

consider this my plea: when you talk to me, don't be afraid to ask me about my current relationship status with my treadmill. i welcome the challenge. i need your support. i cannot fight this battle alone.

whoa. i'm feeling vulnerable! eeeeek!

new year's day grab bag.

2011-01-01T22:13:00.005-05:00

resurrected. (for you, girl-CK.)

1. i now have eyeglasses. i am trying to pretend they make me chic and sophisticated -- and while i only need them for reading/working on the computer/driving at night, they have CHANGED MY LIFE. see evidence of these stylish frames below.

2. grands flaky layers biscuits have got to be the modern-day equivalent of manna from heaven. i'm just sayin'.

3. do NOT go see how do you know starring reese witherspoon/owen wilson/paul rudd. you know it's bad when the best line of the movie is as follows: that's the opposite of a bus strike. it's not even worth giving context.

4. i bought a jar of chinese 5-spice for an upcoming recipe. however, i opened the jar to check out the mixture & get a preview of the goodness forthcoming...and i chickened out and couldn't make the noodle-y soup. the spice has licorice root. what? someone, please motivate me to give this one a try.

5. my delicious discovery over winter break:

6. a well-placed pun is my favorite form of humor. my current favorite (in light of my newest addition): she wears eyeglasses during math. it helps with division. [gets me every time.]

7. 1.1.11. for someone who has slight OCD-tendencies, it's a neat & clean date. i'll take it. afterall, the number one has all kind of connotations to unity & new beginnings. my charismatic self will claim both of these things. thank you, Jesus.

hit it!

(did anyone else just hear the beginning of it takes two to make a thing go ri--iiight by rob base & DJ EZ rock? no?)

my jam.

2009-12-03T18:34:00.003-05:00

i've had questions without answers
i've known sorrow, i have known pain
but there's one thing that i cling to
You are faithful, Jesus, You're true

when hope is lost
i'll call You Savior
when pain surrounds
i'll call You Healer
when silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

in the lone hour of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
my defender forever more

when hope is lost
i'll call You Savior
when pain surrounds
i'll call You Healer
when silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

and i will praise You
i will Praise You
when the tears fall
still I will sing to You
i will praise You
Jesus, praise You
through the suffering
still I will sing to You

when the laughter fails to comfort
when my heart aches, Lord, are you there?
when confusion is all around me
and the darkness is my closest friend
still I'll praise You
Jesus, praise You...

barley and blessings.

2009-11-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

"You make everything glorious - and i am Yours - what does that make me?"

sometimes you just need some david crowder band to speak some Truth, ya know?

i have to say, friends...life is pretty A-OK these days. it's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but i have been more cognizant of the Lord's hand upon my life. i've been better able to recognize His blessings (tangible and not) and i find myself praising Him with more regularity. it does wonders for the body and soul.

i recently finished a Bible study book with some of my JMU girls called "no other gods" by kelly minter. it was fantastic for many, many reasons - chiefly, it gave me a broader perspective on the things that i constantly put before the Lord. they are more numerous than i care to delineate here.

i've been walking in conviction and clarity.

along with realizing my own sin, i have come to a greater understanding and depth when it comes to His presence in my life and the blessings that He wishes to bestow.

in the Book of Ruth, it speaks of God's PERFECT timing (far better than any human could orchestrate). ruth and naomi arrive in bethlehem just as the barley harvest was beginning. if they had arrived a mere 1 week prior to this, ruth would not have had her encounter with boaz in his field. he wouldn't have been harvesting and she wouldn't have had the opportunity to glean. God's perfect timing lead to a beautiful love story and ultimately, the lineage of Jesus.

i know this "beginning of the barley harvest" seems like a small detail, but it rang as incredibly profound for me.

His timing is best. He clearly knows what He is doing (and 99% of the time, i don't). He has it all planned out (again, i don't even know what i am doing tomorrow). why don't i trust His plan? why do i question His timing? why do i walk forward, thinking that i know the best possible scenario? (i cringe with the vanity of it all.)

the Bible is full of testimony after testimony of God's perfect provision at the perfect moment. oh, how i wish to add to those testimonies with my own life. and oh, how my sin stops me from truly walking in His will.

i would love for my constant prayer to be "yet, not as a i will...but as You will." (matthew 26:39)

it's incredibly convicting. He has proven His credibility in this arena since the beginning of time, literally. it's all in His hands anyway, right?

when i really meditate on this Truth, i am free to take a deep breath and realize that His plan and His time will win out.

it always does. it's always best.

may i ever claim this.

ebbs and flows.

2009-08-21T09:06:00.002-05:00

i've had too much confirmation over the past few weeks that a return to my blog would be a good thing. so, here i am. truth be told, i've missed it.

so much has happened in the past YEAR that it's difficult to know where to begin. the nitty-gritty details: i survived my first official year of teaching! i believe it went well - it was damn hard (sorry, there's no other way to describe it) - but i finished the year strong. ultimately, i do love what i do. i'm not so sure i love the paperwork involved with exceptional education, but a quick hug from a "tough" 8th grade boy makes all of that wonderfully melt away.

charlie and i are still rockin' it out in our apartment. i look around sometimes and praise God for His tangible blessings, especially charlie. his presence has been absolutely perfect, particularly when i am not feeling well...which leads to the next detail...

my gastroparesis has calmed down quite a bit (hallelujah!). this summer has produced many "am i on my way to healing?" thoughts - there are still bumps in the road, but i haven't been so gentle with it - my bad, yo (sometimes a girl just wants some fresh vegetables/fruit!). all in all, i feel good. i've committed to working out regularly (and while that has been a challenge, too) i feel/see the fruits of my labor and i thank God that i am able to rock out the treadmill. my next physical challenge: the Ukrops 8K in november - walking, not running. i'm not THAT crazy. wooohooooo.

this has been a spiritually challenging year. it would be fair to say that my heart has taken a beating. it is healing, though - it's just a slower, longer process than i would have guessed. God has done a great work to show me my worth. i am learning to walk in His words/promises/love. i have taken some fairly drastic steps to fight for my worth. i recently began a study on believing God - we are all very quick to say that we believe IN God, but do we really believe HIM - do we believe His Word, what He says to us, even what He shows us? why do we so often dismiss His work just because there is no tangible evidence?

Hebrews says that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (11:1). so, why do i beg God for evidence of His work in my life? as my dear friend said recently, "if there were evidence, there would be no faith." and truly, His work is made manifest everyday - but do i open my eyes to see it?

i am learning that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. i want to be unwaivering in what i believe - in the good i believe has been promised to me.

one of my favorite musicians is the folk artist, william fitzsimmons. i stumbled across his song "goodmorning" and delighted in the following lyrics:

moonlight will fall
winter will end
harvest will come
your heart will mend

goodmorning
goodmorning
you will find love...

it was a fantastic reminder that God gives us seasons for a specific purpose - and that seasons will end - and there is ultimately something good on the other side.

so, while my heart may hurt while this season's sun sets and rises, i am confident that not-too-long-from-now, it will be bursting with joy.

and that, my friends, is a great promise of faith.

dang, gina.

2009-01-04T21:44:00.003-05:00

has it really been since june that i last made a few declarations?

geeeeeez.

quite a bit has happened...actually, nothing too major, but a few ramblings are forthcoming.

for now, i need to go prepare myself for my triumphant return to work tomorrow after two glorious weeks off.

i *heart* being a teacher. for many, many reasons.

stay tuned. stay cool.

rollin' with it.

2008-06-24T18:19:00.002-05:00

many a thing has changed since my last full entry. let's see...

* charlie and i now reside in our very own apartment in the west end. charlie likes the walks around the complex, leash in his mouth, a bounce in his step. i do think he misses parkside, though. and so do i.

* i took on a full-time teaching gig to finish out the school year, so i instantly went from instructional assistant to 8th grade exceptional education physical science teacher. yeah...what? laura...science? naaaaaaaaah. somehow, by the grace of God, it worked out...and i actually fell a little in love with formulas for acceleration, the forces of magnetism, energy transfers and the like. i actually used my masters degree! imagine that!

* along with finishing out the year, i was offered a contract for next school year...8th grade exceptional education english. much more my speed...and i must confess that i am pretty excited. bring. it.

* as if that weren't enough, i went a little crazy and decided to teach summer school. so, i spend a good 6 hours a day offering reading/math remediation for students that need a little extra help over the summer. so far, i love my students. it's a very relaxed atmosphere and we talk about all kinds of things. fun fact: we all love cold pizza. go figure.

* health update: it's been an up-and-down few months. i think the all-of-the-sudden stress i've faced since the beginning of may only exacerbated the gastroparesis and i've seen a good many days out-of-commission. it's OK, though. it gives me a chance to think through issues that i tend to run from with great effort. i'm continually humbled/reminded of my incredible blessings. i don't take my good days for granted...not like i used to, at least. that's a good thing.

in light of everything, i am content...but very aware of how i am in the middle of a giant gleaning process with the Lord. He's preparing my life...my heart...my mind for something great yet-to-come. i feel it in my spirit. my BFF and i have logged lots of hours recently talking about the transformation that He is doing in both of us...and i am amazingly blessed to have someone to keep me accountable/pray/encourage me through it all. (thanks, twin.)

i'll speak more on these thoughts/issues from above in another post...but for now, know that the Lord is incredible and incredibly comforting, especially in the midst of change.

peace in my soul. joy in my heart.

2008-05-13T05:39:00.001-05:00

the way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance, every trial, straight from the hand of a loving Father; and to live up in the heavenly places, above the clouds, in the very presence of the throne, and to look down from the glory upon our environment as lovingly and divinely appointed. - streams in the desert

that's my prayer today.

[taking a deep breath.]

baby bites of saltines.

2008-04-12T19:39:00.004-05:00

i've been living in a lie the past month, or so. i am living as if i am not dealing with a chronic illness. i have been throwing caution to the wind and saying, "screw it...i'll be fine." i've been eating food items that i know will most likely cause some issues. and i've been OK...until now.

my lack of concern...my ignorance...my irresponsibility have all caught up with me.

God has gently tapped me on the shoulder and offered a soft "slow down."

so, as it is, i have spent the day curled up...drifting in and out of sleep...and stumbling upon fabulous articles in small magazines concerning God, healing and the process of dealing with a chronic illness.

good timing.

i believe, one way or the other, we are pushed to face that which we try so desperately to ignore. it may hide for a time...but God likes to bring it back...and only the way He can.

so i've been processing/thinking through what's been going on with me and GP the past couple of months. i've got some work to do. i don't have any profound, organized thoughts to share quite yet. my ministry is still in the works, i think.

in a moment of needing to revel in the idea that other people in the world understand all-things-gastroparesis, i wandered over to a website designed to bring all of us GP people together...the gastroparesis patient association for cures and treatments, inc.

in the midst of the sadness, i am incredibly thankful for people and their gift of humor. enjoy the following poem, written by two kindred spirits in the world of GP.

A GPers Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for food my stomach to keep
If I should die before I wake
At least in heaven I can eat some steak

Or if I live for just one more day
Let my stomach behave so I can play
Remembering the times when things were good
When my stomach dumped downward the way it should

When I didn't have to worry what I ate
I could sit and enjoy a heaping plate
No pills to take so I can take sips
And not worry about what crosses my lips

Written by Monalisa (Idiopathic GP) and Rudy (Idiopathic GP), August 2001

too long.

2008-03-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

as i sit here and mull over the millions of things that have transpired since my last post, i admit that i have been somewhat overwhelmed by life's circumstances in the last month+.

lots of unknowns. lots of decisions to make.

more than that, i've had lots of good conversation. meaningful conversation. and that has brought some peace and relief to the day-to-day stress that seems to be mounting.

i read in a fellow blogger's post not-so-long-ago that sometimes God forces us to slow down and take a deep breath. this past week has been one long inhale/exhale. it's been my spring break. *a quick hallelujah for public education*

i had all of these grand plans to spend time with loved ones now far away. i was going to travel down south to my beloved chapel hill & revisit some of my favorite moments of last year. alas, my body (read: God) had other plans - landing me in bed for the past week with a sinus infection & bronchitis.

lovely.

and while i have been fairly miserable fending off this illness, i have had ample time to rest and get lost in the stillness surrounding me. and that has been quite the blessing, disguised in tissues, antibiotics and gatorade.

besides loads of time with my little man, i have come to realize something fairly profound. underneath the stress that is trying to take claim, i have discovered a very lovely truth: i am content. i am happy where i am, even with the unknowns.

it's been a long time since i could say such a bold statement with confidence.

i really do love my job. there are many days i leave school thinking, "God...is this really where you want me?"...but as i climb into bed at the end of the day, i find myself smiling at something ridiculous a student said ("roses are red, violets are blue, you're still my little cute cute")...or praying for a kid who desperately needs to know that she matters.

as much as i long to one day be a wife and mother, i find myself completely content with my single status these days. i'm enjoying this freedom and chance to discover what really makes this woman tick, good - bad - or indifferent. i know i've got much farther to go. i am OK with that.

i am beginning to see the incredible value in speaking out the deep questions that have developed over the past two years. and i am beginning to see that i am not defined by my circumstances. i am defined by something so much Greater. and i love that i get to speak out these deep questions with someone who challenges my thought processes, wingback chairs and church parlors included.

more than anything, i am learning the value of taking it all one. step. at. a. time.

it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

ruminating

2008-02-14T15:08:00.002-05:00

it's been a while. and i feel a good, lenghty post coming on...but not at this particular moment. for now, enjoy this chestnut:

let us sing even when we do not feel like it, for thus we may give wings to leaden feet and turn weariness into strength. - j.h. jowett

a few o' my favorite things.

2008-01-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

things i like (right now):

the smell of a fire in the winter.
sleeping in a men's white v-neck t-shirt (courtesy of hanes).
composition notebooks.
netflix.
felicity, season 3, on DVD.
old school toni braxton.
BBQ chicken.
dumplings from charlottesville.
2 thessalonians 2:16-17
the idea of fresh cut roses.
my newest painting.
honest conversation.

ramblings.

2008-01-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

it's 7:02 on a saturday morning...and i'm awake because...well, because charlie needed to get up. and that is the blessing/curse of a small, furry companion sharing your sleeping quarters. nonetheless, i am awake and no longer sleepy. so let me just ramble, mmk?

i'm searching through my rather large iTunes library...and finding forgotten gems. it's like christmas morning all over again. sort of.

tonight is a dinner party with my teacher friends. i'm preparing my stomach muscles for how much they will ache after this evening's hilarity. they make me laugh like no other. and i love it.

i miss being an art major. i think i was the most emotionally healthy when immersed in the studio, just letting it all out. when/if i get a pay-raise, i am signing up for an art class.

for the second summer in a row, i never made it to the beach. (thanks, seamus.) i need to see the ocean. soon.

speaking of trips, a small adventure up to see the richmond skyline again might need to occur within the next month.

i *heart* spaghetti. seriously. and only a. miller understands the brown sugar logic behind this.

i just looked over into my room at my still-unmade bed...and i am now going to wander over there and crash.

good(morning)night

oh ye of little faith.

2008-01-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

i know i've already posted once today...but i've been listening to mat kearney's music and i had to share his lyrics to 'in the middle'...good reminders of what i KNOW. (thank you, mama.)

*download and listen to the song for the full experience*

no parachutes or safety nets here
one foot in the water to face these fears
coming out strong like i can't be wrong
i said, i won't fall in the middle

and i'm gonna be alright, i'm gonna be alright
with you by my side
and i said, i'm gonna be alright, i'm gonna be alright
with you through this fight
through it all

my interpretation of the lyrics?...i immediately think of matthew 14:

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

may we all walk with confidence in His promise.

begin again.

2008-01-06T19:19:00.000-05:00

it's 2008...and to that, i say a resounding "hallelujah!"

the past year was nothing short of tumultuous and i am extremely ready to let it go as i step forward into a year of healing and blessing. the purchase of a new composition notebook, already several pages penned, is providing a great release for the ramblings and resolutions coursing through my anxious mind. i begin 2008 wanting to lay down the difficult, yet purposeful happenings of 2007 for something great and glorifying to the Lord. i have confidence that God's plan of 2007 will ultimately be redeemed for His perfect design and purpose for my life.

at our last small group, we all took turns expressing our hope for the new year. my hope was for healing in every realm - physical, emotional and spiritual. we noted that in biblical numerology, 7 is the completion or perfection of things while 8 represents a new beginning. i am clinging to this significance/promise as i reflect over the past 12 months and look forward to the next season. i desire a fresh purpose and perspective.

in wanting to share my hope for this new year of the Lord, i sent a small message to a website that in turn printed my words on a small piece of confetti that was dropped on times square at the stroke of midnight. the message: hope. for health. restoration. healing. peace. and love.

maybe someone found it and dreams for the same. and that makes me smile in expectant joy.

cravin' pie.

2007-12-18T20:49:00.000-05:00

anyone that knows me knows that i love to watch a good movie. it is one of my favorite kill-time activities. i have a special place in my heart for indie or 'B' list movies and i am proud of my modest collection filled with such titles.

as per usual when i want to curl up and escape for an hour or more, i spent this evening finishing 'waitress'...a quirky film about a small town girl who makes tremendously delicious pies and dreams of leaving her mediocre life behind.

besides making me crave a good slice of pie like there's no tomorrow, i walked away with one of the sweetest quotes of my twenty-five years. [context: jenna (the main character) is writing a series of letters to her unborn baby.]

enjoy. (oh, and rent the movie should you choose to indulge in a thoughtful indie film.)

dear baby, i hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. they don't pull away. they don't look at your face. they don't try to kiss you. all they do is wrap you up in their arms without an ounce of selfishness in it.

oh by gosh, by golly.

2007-12-17T20:29:00.000-05:00

i am slightly obsessed with a certain christmas album. it plays incessantly when i am home alone. the album, you ask? "christmas with the rat pack." yes. that's right. frank. dean. sammy. they croon to me on a regular basis and have a way of getting this child-in-disguise all-excited about the upcoming christmas day.

mmmhmmmm. my favorite: frank's rendition of "mistletoe & holly"...a classic.

tomorrow is my last day of work for the next two weeks...praise the Lord for public education (for many reasons) and it's generous time off for teachers (and i guess for students, too). the kids are already bouncing off the walls with excitement/anticipation of their many days away from what they oftentimes refer to as...jail. how endearing.

in all seriousness, somewhere along the way, i have taken great affection for my job...my fellow teachers...and my students. i think the kids have taken to me, as well...one of my favorite things to hear everyday? "yo, what up, ms. D!"

i think i'll stick around for a while.

aaaaaaaaaand because i can't seem to have a post sans-all-things-charlie, enjoy the following photos of a walk with my pup. (all photos courtesy of j. stotts - one of the greatest photogs i know.)

i also have to show off the little one of the house. please say hello to tasha (kim's pup). and her stylish vest.

reeeee-diculous.

2007-12-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

ok, so i know i am probably verging on annoying with how much i reference charlie, the little man-pup of my life...but hey, until i have actual human babies, i will continue to dote on my current child and source of joy.

that being said, i walk charlie everyday in the afternoon. it is starting to get a wee bit frigid, so i am looking to invest in a sweater/hooded sweatshirt for the lil guy.

while looking online tonight, i came across the following...and laughed for a good 2+ minutes...i had to share it with those dear readers out there who do not spend their free time searching for canine apparel online.

enjoy. and smile at the ludicrousness of it all.

sweet face.

2007-12-04T06:35:00.000-05:00

my roommate, kim, takes the best photos of my pup when i am away. the following are two of my favorites and, like a proud parent, i had to show him off.

finding my song.

2007-12-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

i have been engaged in the best email exchange of my life with a friend from yore. we had lost touch for quite some time and became reunited via one of those ever-popular social networking sites. and somehow, although completely divinely appointed, we've been laying out the big questions of our lives to each other, focusing on the scripture we've been camping in over the past few weeks, and stringing together thoughts that seem to ramble into the depths...but ramblings that also needed to be produced and pondered over.

it's been grand.

one God-sized idea we've been stumbling through: the idea of coming to the end of ourselves...and to the beginning of Him...and how the feeling of unraveling is really a call to Him...and how it is terrifying...and beautiful.

it's been a tough season in my walk with Him. i am not afraid to admit that. in fact, i think i need to admit this truth if i am to truly glean the refining that all of this is bringing to my life. the word that continually comes to mind when i am praying, falling asleep, or walking among the fallen leaves is wait.

of course, i am not sure what exactly i am waiting for...and for once, i am content in this season.

i have finally settled into my job. i feel as though i have a place among the halls of my school. i have found several kindred spirits among the other faculty and i see my purpose. i am learning to walk in it.

i see change all around me...not only in my life, but in the lives of those closest to me. and i find myself praising God for His divine orchestration of each shift.

on that note, i am learning to praise God for what He is doing...not just spending my time with Him asking FOR something...and that distinction has made a profound difference in my frame of reference. i am trying not to see Him as a mere means to an end...something greater than an answer/problem-solver to all of my dilemmas. and while i still may lay my petitions before Him (i.e. healing for my stomach), i am beginning to praise Him FOR the pain. crazy? i don't think so.

"ice breaks many a branch, and so i see a great many persons bowed down and crushed by their afflictions. but now and then i meet one that sings in affliction, and then i thank God for my own sake as well as his." - henry ward beecher

may i be one who sings.

time passes.

2007-11-19T07:28:00.000-05:00

it's been a while...and i am long overdue for an update...but i am still penning the words in my head...and once i have some coherent, deep thoughts, i will gladly share with any and all dear readers of this, a lovely work in progress...

stay tuned.

and in the meantime, visit itunes, download and become obsessed with: shawn mcdonald's "captivated" and phil wickham's "divine romance"...

reminders.

2007-10-23T06:20:00.001-05:00

my favorite part of the day is always first thing in the morning. after saying hello to a sleepy charlie, we head out to the study where i feed him...and then we sleepily walk out the back door for a few quiet minutes outside. while charlie wanders around our tiny backyard, i sit on the stoop and look up.

in the darkness, i see hundreds of stars. and they are an ever-welcome reminder of how small i am...how big He is...and how much i need him throughout the day. it's an incredible way to welcome the day.

_____________________

i am in the middle of a bad spell with my health. it seems my stomach cannot be appeased, no matter what i do/eat. it's been a week or so since i have been able to eat normally and i have missed a couple of days of work in the meantime.

prayer would be much appreciated that i may get over this roadblock and begin to feel a little bit normal again.

thanks, friends.

morning rituals.

2007-10-12T07:12:00.000-05:00

i have a morning ritual, of sorts. while i wait for my coffee to brew and while i eat breakfast, i crack open an old leather-bound book on my desk entitled streams in the desert. it's a very old devotional, sometimes using old styles of English that leave me a little befuddled...but for the most part, i love starting my day with small reminders of God's ever-increasing glory.

this morning, i came across a quote i felt the need tp post on my blog...if for no other reason than for my own sake when i am old and gray and stumble across this electronic diary of sorts. the quote is as follows:

i have learnt to love the darkness of sorrow; there you see the brightness of His face. - madame guyon

it is absolutely beautiful and absolutely true.

won't you be my neighbor?

2007-09-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

for all of its quirks, my neighborhood definitely makes me smile.

conversation with a little boy down the street who wanted to pet charlie:

"he's soft...what kind of dog is he?"

"he's a terrier."

*gasp* "does that mean he tears people up?!"

and then there's buddy. the lonely dog who sits in his front yard, ever-mindful of his electric fence and what will happen should he step over that fateful line. he likes to "hide" when charlie and i come close, only to run and jump up as if to say hello.

or today...walking home after a stroll around a few blocks...and our favorite latino neighbors standing in their driveway...drinking...and yelling, "bellas! bellas!" (translation: beautiful) followed by some cat calls and other phrases in spanish probably best-left-untranslated.

how. enticing.

finally, a knock on the door today presented kim and i with half of a sausage quiche made by one of our neighbors as a thanks to kim for mowing her lawn. (the other half went to the other neighbor who helped mow the lawn, too.)

i *heart* lakeside.

claiming His authority.

2007-09-20T14:23:00.000-05:00

my current process: learning how to trust and believe God for His good purposes for my life.

it's been a rough few weeks. after finally getting hired in the county, i have faced conflict that i didn't anticipate - conflict that i have never experienced before. so now i am interviewing for other positions within the county that will be more helpful to me in reaching my professional goals.

am i ready to be a full-time teacher? i don't know. but He does.

in the face of this stress, my gastroparesis (go to this entry for details) has gotten worse. after a couple of months of treatment, i was doing A-OK. however, my symptoms are back and i am fighting discouragement that this is my "life-sentence"...my desire is to work & function normally...even under stress.

can i push through the pain and still live out my passions? i don't know. but He does.

i have discovered in the past few weeks how much i have missed the classroom. there's nothing like a little one walking up to you, wrapping an arm around your waist and whispering, "i like you" or watching a student struggle with a question and finally reach the right answer. the look on his/her face after an "excellent job!" or "i'm proud of you!" is priceless.

so now i pray for health. for energy to pursue my goals. for clarity and assurance that i am running after what He wants for my life.

and i would love some prayer warriors on my side.

worship + truth = comfort.

2007-09-19T12:34:00.000-05:00

there's a place in my heart that is only for you
where the warmth of your touch is what sees me through
the joy and the pain this life always brings
in the darkness i still find myself just wanting to sing about you
…about you.

you are my reason to breathe
my reason to keep on believing
no one can come in between you and me
i will never look away, you will always be all that i see

there's a hole in my heart where only you belong
and where i'm most weak, you will always be strong
your whispering voice will be all that i need
through the valley or over the mountain, i'll run anywhere that you lead me
…that you lead me.

you are my reason to breathe
my reason to keep on believing
no one can come in between you and me
i will never look away, you will always be all that i see...

- jason morant "all that i see"

manna.

2007-09-10T15:51:00.000-05:00

oooook.

good news! i have a job! that's right...i'm EMPLOYED!

praise the Lord and pass the bread. amen.

as of tomorrow morning, i will be an instructional assistant in a third grade classroom for the county. as i have been told, i will be co-teaching 29 students for the year. i couldn't be more thrilled. i really like the principal (he's a JMU grad!) and the few teachers i met during the interview process. i have yet to meet my co-teacher, so there's a prayer request wrapped up in there somewhere...but i am confident this will be a good situation.

in other news, however random this may be, a little something to add to my "ooh, i love my neighborhood" post a few weeks ago:

i left town this weekend and returned to a flyer on my desk informing me that my area has tested positive for the west nile virus. waaaaaay to go, mosquitoes. now kim and i arm ourselves with "deep woodsmen" bug repellent. it's manly. i don't enjoy it so much.

and i'm off to make my lunch for school tomorrow. YAY!

harry.

2007-09-05T09:09:00.000-05:00

it's been a most uneventful few weeks. the job search continues. it's been an all-consuming affair. i'll let you know when i do. hopefully soon.

so, rather than discuss the boring aspects of my day-to-day, here are a couple of highlights from the past few weeks.

yesterday morning, while walking charlie around 6:45 a.m., i came upon a bus stop full of children loading onto their big, yellow taxi. as it pulled away and a dad started walking toward me, he started skipping...threw his arms in the air...and exclaimed, "it's like Christmas morning!" he was obviously thrilled at it being the first day of school. it made me laugh.

a friend-of-a-friend recently told me that charlie's face resembles that of harry...from 'harry and the hendersons'...the loveable 1987 john lithgow movie about a pacific northwest big-foot character that shacks up with the all-american family. it was one of my favorite movies as a kid. and i have to say, i see what she means. charlie and harry both have amazing facial expressions. don't believe me? check it out:
i think that's about it for now. like i said, not too much goin' on. and i think i am OK with that. for now.

anchors.

2007-08-13T14:44:00.000-05:00

i have been most un-productive the past few days. for someone whose to-do list currently holds only one significant task, this is oh-so-sad to the finest degree. i could blame it on the hot weather for creating this lethargy. it would be a lie.

i think in many ways i am learning to just be. to sit. to talk to God in ways i haven't ventured into for quite some time.

i can't stop thinking about hope.

i want to grasp this abstract/concrete idea.

i had one of the greatest conversations of my lifetime last night. my kindred spirit, amy, and i spent over an hour talking about all-things-Jesus and hope and God and glory and peace. it was the kind of conversation that leaves you feeling as though you just left a really amazing church service. you want to walk around the house and just say "amen" over and over. it left me with many things to meditate upon. and a very strong desire.

i want holy wisdom.

among other things, i would love for God to explain to me why hope is an anchor to my soul. and how.

and how i can hold onto this incredible anchor for all i'm worth.

curious.

2007-08-12T07:33:00.000-05:00

i went on a walk a little before 7 a.m. this morning with my pup. and i saw a most curious thing.

floating above my neighborhood was a tiny, green balloon.

i wish i knew the story behind its release.

some things are destined to stay a mystery.

lazy, hazy days.

2007-08-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

today is one of those days where my deepest desire is to lay around and read. everything. i have been sucked into an updated version of pride and prejudice (needless to say the classic version is loads better). it makes me want to read all-things-great-literature.

i am also LOVING this cooler weather. a walk with charlie this morning at 6:45 was a pleasant way to start the day...it was even a bit chilly and we enjoyed the cool breeze compared to the blasts of humidity we have endured the past few days.

there's not much else to say, really. i want to go curl up and read some more but...i am off to edit the last few wedding photos waiting on my desktop.

maybe then i can meet Mr. Darcy.

old things new again.

2007-08-08T08:22:00.001-05:00

i used to have a livejournal...another version of the popular blog. mine chronicled my last few months in harrisonburg. i found it this morning while looking at old internet bookmarks. the following is one of my entries from almost exactly 2 years ago. it made me laugh outloud.

[dated august 10th, 2005]

i went tanning yesterday.

this is something i vowed i would never do. and i am normally not this vain. HOWEVER....i am in a wedding in a little over a month from now...and i would rather have a little tan than reflect the flash from the camera.

whatchagonnado.

now, i know there are those that will judge this decision. and that's OK. i am prepared. in fact, i have paaaaaaaaaaid for my sins.

here's the low-down:

ok, so i walk into [nameless] tanning salon...and this young girl behind the counter asks for my last name, thinking i am a regular customer. i almost laughed...because how could she mistake ME, pale-as-a-bale-of-cotton-laura, for a regular customer. anyyyyyyway. i quickly inform her that i have never been tanning before...and she says, "so...what do you want?"...and i am all like, "umm....to tan...." (seriously stating the obvious).

ok, so i pay for 10 sessions. HA. yes. i know what you are thinking. i have heard it all. she then asks if i have a lotion. CLEARLY she is delusional. i say no and then get pointed to the $40-50 case of lotions. i gracefully glide back to the front of the salon and ask for a sample. only $5. much more budget-friendly. ok, so i choose a dark tan accelerator. baaaaaaaaaaad idea. did i know this at the time? of course not.

she then asks if i want a basic bed or a hot bed...i ask for the difference and she explains that the hot beds have the newest bulbs. naturally, i want the newest. i am american.

so we head to room #2 and she shows me how to work my coffin of doom and says that the maximum time is 20 minutes.

i get down to my skivvies and on goes the lotion. i turn on the bed, squint my eyes from the glare, put on my little goggles that would protect no swimmer i know and lay down on some bulbs. i close the top and it is seriously close to my body/face. if i were claustrophobic, i would probably have died from anxiety.

so here i am. laying there, listening to the bulbs pop as they heat up, sweating, thinking, "is this going to singe my skin" & "my legs and back shouldn't be this warm, right?"

13 minutes later, i step out. i couldn't make it the whole 20. i think the voice of God bellowed down to room #2 and told me to get out.

ah-hem. no one told me you are only supposed to stay in 3-5 minutes MAX your very first time. information like this is not inherent, people. we all had to be potty trained, did we not? same principle. go with it.

i am red like whoa. all over. there are CLEAR tan...no wait, burn lines on my back/chest. my skin is severely angry with me at the moment. and i am trying to make it happy with aloe.

stupid is as stupid does.

in the 'hood.

2007-08-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

things my roommate (kim) and i love about our richmond neighborhood:

the two adorable kids down the street who wait for us to take our dogs on a walk in the morning...and once we are down the front steps and within earshot, we hear the familiar, "hi, charlie/tasha!" as they wait for us to approach for the routine dog-petting. charlie especially likes this attention. it might be going to his head. moving on...

the mysterious naked barbie that showed up in our backyard. i believe she is missing her arms.

or, for that matter, the strange pair of plastic-must-have-come-from-a-little-boy's-GI Joe-toy legs that have been in the street for the past few days...albeit a little shattered and run-over.

martha across the street. her garden. sammy, her dog (a sometimes charlie/tasha companion). a friendly presence who loves to talk. to us and to all dogs.

our fish pond in the front yard. home to willie, nelson and curvy (our koi). oh, and the lilypads.

our neighbors who enjoy a dip in their tiny pool from time to time. and the fact that he always opens the door for her.

the latino men down the street. and their music. and the corona bottle caps i find on my daily walks.

the house with the giant fish for a mailbox (hook included) and a sign on their porch that reads "beware of attack turtle."

the random pumkin patch in a neighboring yard. with a gigantic gourd. ready to carve...in august.

the eccentric motorcycle family down the street with flowers planted in an old toilet situated nicely in their backyard.

the fact that everyone is so unique, amiable and more than willing to stop for conversation on any given night.

welcome home.

slow dancing in a burning room.

2007-08-01T08:15:00.000-05:00

i feel a return to "myself," as they say. i am beginning to feel better physically...and eating a wider array of foods. praise to the Good Lord.

i was even able to enjoy a fantastic evening, sitting on a hill by the Beach, listening to amazing music with some of my closest friends...looking up at the stars and letting the sounds of ben folds/john mayer take over for a few hours. i needed a moment of normalcy like that.

with this return to myself, i feel a very strong pull towards the Lord. during prayer & praise at my church last week, the pastor pointed out that we had been singing the lyrics "You draw near to me" in reference to how God responds/initiates to us.

good reminder. i need to remember that God is constantly drawing near to me regardless of my response to Him. in the midst of the past few months, i admit that i have stepped away from my "usual walk" with Him (it sounds so cliche - not my intention)...yes, i continued to pray...and i read the Word for some sort of encouragement/hope...but my efforts were grounded solely in my circumstances and not so much in who He is. i hope that makes sense. to me, it's a big difference.

yesterday evening, we had a particularly violent thunderstorm. it came on rather quickly, produced amazing amounts of rain, lightning and thunder. we stood by the doorways and watched until a very bright flash of light and crack of thunder resulted in the loss of power, causing us to retreat inside and Charlie to run around like a madman in the confusion.

being still light outside, it didn't faze us much (except for Charlie). when the sun began to set, i realized our lack of candles...and we set out to pillage a few more to create a nice, soft glow in the house. did i mention these candles smell like vanilla cupcakes? i seriously digress.

without AC or any of the other creature comforts we are so accustomed to, i decided to hang out on the couch and not move much to create as little heat as possible.

it was during this time on the couch that God began to give me a little parable/parallel of sorts.

during thunderstorms, we are so focused on the action of the clouds that we forget the purpose of this summer-time "disturbance." is it not the job of the thunderstorm to clean the air, so to speak? to water creation? even cause us to slow down, be cautious and submit to its authority (seek cover, drive slowly, etc.)?

i feel as though my days have been one gigantic thunderstorm over the past year. yes, i can see how this might come off as overly dramatic, but from march of '06 to now has been the most trying 400+ days of my 25 years. i do not lie.

now that things are slowing down a bit, i am starting to see the purpose in this tempest. i am reminded of matthew 8: 23-27. i love this passage.

[Jesus, after a time of healing...] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping, The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

another good reminder: sometimes God creates many a storm to prove He is God...and i am not. to "clean my life"...to bring me out of the heat so that He can replenish my existence. and in that calmness? i am forced to listen - just like last night and the loss of power forcing me to just sit and be...and listen to the crickets outside...something i would have missed had the AC/fans/TV/music been rattling around inside.

i realize these ramblings are not unique thoughts or maybe even that deep or profound. all of that to say that i am learning to be perfectly content in this stillness now that the storms seem to be receding...i am resting in the promise that God is using this "quiet time" to prove who He is in my life.

He is God.

bubbly.

2007-07-29T19:30:00.000-05:00

so, my furry companion got a little (well, HUGE) trim a few weeks back. being the proud mama that i am, i have to show him off...even if i am a little horrified by how much the groomers shaved off. (check out the before-shot in a previous blog entry.)

[all photos taken by my lovely roommate, kim, when i happened to step out for a few minutes. click to enlarge.]

here goes:

he says that this is his best angle:

this is my all-time favorite. when i get that fabulous job i long for, this one will be framed and atop the desk:

so, sometimes i leave my room...and when i come back, this is what i find:
enjoy my pup. i do. even with the fleas.

laughing it up.

2007-07-19T09:44:00.001-05:00

i have decided that the best way to fight the good fight is to do so with a grand sense of humor.

i have to laugh about my current state of affairs. it seems as though a hearty laugh and a strong prayer will be the only way i will be able to deal with my diagnosis.

these are the cards i have been dealt. i am learning to play (one day at a time). i am also learning to be appreciative that it isn't much worse than this. this i can handle.

in light of this revelation/resolution, i have decided to name my stomach. he will now be referred to as Seamus (shay-mus). yes, he's Irish. why? he has a bit of a flaring temper...and he has a great fondness for all-things-potato. somehow giving my stomach a name a) makes me laugh at the absurdity of it all and b) keeps me grounded.

i also laugh/dance when i hear kirk franklin's "stomp!" why? the good ol' line...

GP, are you wit me? oh yeah, we havin' church, we ain't going nowhere...

now, for those of you unfamiliar with kirk franklin and his posse, GP stands for God's People...otherwise known as the people that actually sing the gospel music he writes while he talks/raps over the beats. (don't get me wrong. i have some serious love for KF.)

anyway, in a lot of the literature i have found about gastroparesis, many people type GP instead of consistently spelling out the medical term.

so, yes...GP is wit me. and yes, i am still dancing/havin' church.

i also want to give an enormous shout-out of thanks to my friends and family who have rallied around me lately. i feel loved beyond words. suggestions of liquid/pureed food parties, trips to get smoothies, letters of incredible encouragement, emails containing grand statements of optimism have most certainly helped this LD feel better.

i am starting to feel normal again. praise Jesus. and as much as i do have those moments of sadness, the smiles are starting to overshadow the tears.

thank you. from the bottom of my ever-grateful heart.

i suppose it's official.

2007-07-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

questions of science
science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart...
[coldplay]

ok, friends.

i thought the easiest way to communicate what exactly has been happening with yours truly over the past few months would be on my beloved blog - available to the masses, however impersonal it may be. i apologize for my lack of personal, direct communication. i ask for your grace and forgiveness.

let me explain.

many of you know that i have been experiencing bouts of nausea and vomiting for a matter of months over this past year. after leaving staff with InterVarsity in april and moving back to virginia, i began the process of seeing a specialist to begin testing in an effort to figure out the root cause of my symptoms.

the past month has been particularly rough and my symptoms have gotten worse. i have been on an IV several times for dehydration associated with constant vomiting and even had the oh-so-fabulous pleasure of spending the night in the ER here in Richmond. (i *heart* MCV. really, i do.)

i was able to switch to a specialist here in Richmond and had an appointment last Friday. he ordered a new round of tests for me, which i endured this week at MCV.

he called on wednesday afternoon to give me my diagnosis.

i have a condition called gastroparesis (literally, paralysis of the stomach). i know. it's weird.

the basics: my stomach has stopped functioning, meaning that it no longer turns my food into digestible material...so it either sits in my stomach for an extraordinarily long amount of time until it is broken down by acid...or, it comes back up. lovely, isn't it. (sorry.)

for most people, there is no identifiable cause. there is also no cure.

about 8 million people have GP and they are starting to find better ways of treating this condition. it's good to know i am not alone. as God would have it, my best friend's mother also has GP and offered some incredible encouragement once she heard about my diagnosis.

i will begin taking medication to force stomach contractions...however, these medicines have nasty, neurological side effects. i am nervous about beginning these drugs.

i now also operate with a very long list of foods i simply cannot eat anymore (fresh fruits/vegetables, certain dairy products, whole grains, meat, etc.) - basically anything good for you - and for someone who loves a huge salad, this is hard news to swallow (haha! i gotta laugh about this...join me, won't you?)

for the next few months, i will live off of a liquid/puree diet to give my stomach a break from the havoc it has endured over the past few months. any suggestions on good, pureed food would be much appreciated.

so there it is. i wish i had happy, cheery news to share with you. i will admit that this is hard to deal with and i am in a state of mourning right about now. i know that this isn't the end of the world...and i know that i will have a plan of action to function normally again...and i know that God is still amazingly good through all of this...but i think i need a little bit of time to process what's going on. it's very strange to think that a major part of your body has simply stopped working.

i also believe that God is bigger than my stomach muscles...and He can heal this according to His will.

my son, pay attention to what i say;
listen closely to my words.

do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;

for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.

above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life. - proverbs 4: 20-23

again, i ask for your grace and forgiveness for being MIA for quite some time. i simply haven't felt well enough to make many calls or sit at the computer to write personal emails. i will try to be better about this over the next few weeks.

as for the job update: i am still not working and i had to cancel my interview with the local school system because i hadn't been discharged from the hospital yet on the day of my interview. they were very kind and said that i can reschedule whenever i feel better. i am hoping that that is relatively soon and that God will give me the strength to begin teaching in the fall.

in happy news, i do have a small, furry companion to keep me company through this. please see my last blog entry for a picture of my new BFF. he is wild. and i love him.

i will ask for prayer, if i may do so. i want to experience God's joy again. i want to function normally. i want the depression to cease and for happiness to reign again.

thank you for standing by me through this. i would love an email life update from each of you when/if you get the chance. know that i appreciate, value and love you dearly.

His,
Laura

new BFF.

2007-07-01T13:24:00.001-05:00

please say hello to my newest little buddy. his name is charlie and i have adopted him after he wandered into a friend-of-a-friend's yard, looking for a home. what i know about him after 24 hours together: he loves to chew - especially on my flip-flops. he likes to prance when we go on walks (that's why his given nickname is prince charles). his favorite toy is a small, purple stuffed purse (good story). curling up and taking a nap together seems to be something he enjoys immensely.

notice the white poof that is my dog. that's because he lived life on the streets for a little while. no worries, though...this proud mama has already made an appointment to groom his lovely locks.

i *heart* him. a lot.

whiskers on kittens.

2007-06-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

things i like (recently):

old friends calling me "La"

listening to a beautiful, wise elderly woman tell me great stories from her past

big leather chairs & ottomans that call me to curl up and read for a majority of the day

burgers and movie nights with my lovely roommate

late afternoon thunderstorms with ominous clouds

the unexpected and unknown...like my looming future

standing up for myself and learning the value in such action

finally ending the oh-so-fabulous phone tag with a good catch-up conversation

i like life right now. even with all its quirks and dives.

clicking and waiting.

2007-06-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

i've done it.

i've applied for a full-time teaching job for the fall. perhaps it's time to use my trusty ol' masters in special education.

there is a part of me that is completely excited about this prospect. there is another side that is freaking out ever-so-slightly in a "what have i done?!" kind of way. it's been over a year since i have spent any time in a classroom.

can i do this? can i really do this?

only time will tell. and i kind of need to get hired first.

i do think it is incredibly ironic, however, that, at the end of my online application, i was asked to click "submit"...

oh, how that word comes fully-loaded these days.

shaking my fist.

2007-05-18T09:57:00.000-05:00

i am slightly obsessed with nickel creek at the moment. i have always loved them...but a return to their soulful music is providing great joy and profound thought. the following is my current favorite selection.

where am i today? i wish that i knew
'cause looking around there's no sign of you
i don't remember one jump or one leap
just quiet steps away from your lead

i'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
feeling this short of a love that we once knew
i'm calling this home when it's not even close
playing the role with nerves left exposed

standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
others have excuses, but i have my reasons why

we get distracted by dreams of our own
but nobody's happy while feeling alone
and knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
we lean another ladder against the wrong wall

and climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
while others have excuses, i have my reasons why...

- "reasons why"

welcome mat.

2007-05-17T21:28:00.000-05:00

in line with the new pact i have created with myself to be incredibly optimistic and cheerful ("the mind is a powerful thing" - mama), i have decided to outline a few thoughts i have had over the past few weeks...pleasant meanderings of the mind in hopes of inspiring more. here goes.

i could sit outside on the back deck of my parents' house in a warm evening breeze for hours and watch my dog lay in the grass, sniffing curiously. a simple moment with profound comfort.

digging in the dirt has got to be one of God's best ideas. fresh soil smells heavenly.

james taylor has quickly become a staple in my musical feast (and not because he graduated from carolina). 'fire and rain' speaks all kinds of wisdom.

painting with my pallete knife releases some kind of pent-up energy like nothing else can, especially when dipped in deep reds.

i am grateful for the large thyme and oregano bushes left in my backyard by the previous tenant. it makes the morning breeze that much more amazing.

getting lost in a world of fiction on my new red couch with a cup of peppermint tea makes for a good time.

the older i get, the more i love and appreciate my family...quirks and all.

wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'...

2007-05-01T23:18:00.000-05:00

it's may 1st.

tomorrow, i move to richmond. my time in chapel hill is done. everyone keeps asking me how i feel about this move...if i am ready to leave...am i excited about being back in my home state.

i don't really know how to answer that query.

i think i am too overwhelmed about all of the change that is happening all at once. it's not necessarily a negative emotion...just overwhelming.

it may be a few days before i am able to wax nostalgic about my time in chapel hill.

what i do know now?

i have been blessed beyond words by many, many souls down here in the south...and i am ever-grateful for this refiner's fire otherwise known as the past 12 months of my life.

the story is not over, my friends...in fact, i am hopeful for quite a few more beginnings...

confusion.

2007-04-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

i just don't understand. i know i'm not really supposed to...but what are you "supposed" to think during times of tragedy? everyone wants to know the "why" and "how"...glued to the TV, watching the same footage looped over and over again.

this world is broken. there is no mistaking that. today's events at Virginia Tech provide grim evidence of that fact.

my heart hurts for the students and their families...for the campus as they deal with the aftermath of it all...

the only thing that keeps running through my head?

hope wins.

death doesn't have the last word.

He does.

a little chestnut...

2007-04-11T07:55:00.000-05:00

i listen to music every morning while i am getting ready. yes, i am addicted to noise. i admit it. i am quite varied in my addiction, however, and this morning i decided that jazz was on the menu.

and jimmy durante started singing to me...and it made me smile...a genuine smile.

fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
if you're young at heart
for its hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
if you're young at heart

you can go to extremes with impossible schemes
you can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
and life gets more exciting with each passing day
and love is either in your heart or on its way

don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth
to be young at heart
for as rich as you are it's much better by far
to be young at heart

and if you should survive to 105
look at all youll derive out of being alive
then here is the best part
you have a head start
if you are among the very young at heart...

seasons.

2007-03-30T09:06:00.000-05:00

it's been an overwhelming week.

last friday, our leadership selection meeting was brought a halt when we learned that one of our students, Jason Ray, had been struck by a vehicle and was in critical condition. Jason, a small group leader in our fellowship, was also the mascot for UNC and was up in NJ for the sweet sixteen game. he was walking back to his hotel after grabbing some food before the game and was hit by an SUV. we received updates all weekend on his condition...some reports of brain activity...some reports of positive responses...and then on monday, at 8:38 a.m., Jason passed away.

needless to say, it's been overwhelming. it feels surreal. the students are coping as best they can. some are trying to be strong because they feel like it's the only way they can manage...while others openly grieve the loss of their friend and brother.

today is his wake. tomorrow is his funeral. last night, we celebrated his life at Large Group with testimonies of who he was and the light that he brought onto this campus and into people's lives.

pray for our community, friends. pray for strength...for the ability to grieve when we need to let go and break down for a bit...and for the peace that Jason fulfilled God's will for his life here on earth.

may angels lead you in...

the news.

2007-03-14T17:42:00.000-05:00

the following is an email i sent out yesterday to friends/family...i realize i missed a few loved ones in that exchange...so here goes:

_______________________

Hello, friends.

I hope and pray you are doing well today as you read this email. I want to apologize for being MIA over the past few weeks. I know that I need to return several phone calls/emails. I ask for continued grace as I am now dealing with some difficult news/decisions.

As you know, this year is my intern year at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill. I have been spending this year training to become a full-fledged staff worker at my own campus next year. Around the middle of February, all of the interns for the region (VA, NC, SC) gathered in Chapel Hill for our placement meeting. We learned which campuses were open for new staff workers next year. We then gave our area directors and regional director information that they would need in regards to our circumstances for placement.

I, along with the other interns, waited for about 2 weeks to receive our "placement" phone calls. I received mine on Friday, March 2. I was offered a part-time position at a small private college in western North Carolina. I was offered part-time because of my estimated funding for next year and because of the limited funds at the college waiting for me.

After a week of extreme confusion/confliction, I was challenged to face the realities of my situation...especially financially. As of June of this year, I will no longer be on staff with InterVarsity. There are many factors that have played into this decision to say no. I was given an estimated budget for my part-time work next year, and I took a step back to realize that I will already be losing support as I enter next fall. I suppose I always knew this -- placement made me face this fact that I realistically do not have the resources to remain on staff. Do I believe God can provide for me again like He did last summer? Absolutely...but I don't feel released to enter into that enormous task again. I also want to say that the actual placement in and of itself is not entirely why I said no...afterall, I did tell my bosses that I would be willing to go anywhere....but even if I had been offered a full-time position at the "perfect" location, I would have eventually have had to face this reality about my support.

While the funding aspect of placement is certainly a large factor in my decision, it is not the only reason I am leaving. It's extremely hard to explain (especially in an email), but I did not have a peace in my spirit about working part-time/struggling to raise support over the next few years in hopes of becoming full-time. I also feel a strong pull in my spirit to seek a community of my own and I am looking forward to becoming strongly connected to a church family. As much as I desire to remain on staff, I know the Lord is leading me away for something else.

God has been faithful to me over this past week to affirm me and my giftings...especially in the area of staff work. I've spoken with several people over this past week -- people who have a strong, spiritual voice in my life. No one convinced me one way or the other...and I never heard some big, booming voice from Heaven telling me what to do. When it came down to it, I had to pay attention to my heart/spirit...even if I am still confused and hurting.

I pray that you trust my decision. I pray that you understand that this decision was not made out of fear or doubt. I pray that, no matter what you think of me leaving, you will continue to stand beside me. I cannot fully explain how difficult this decision has been for me. I am grieving...and anxious about where God is calling me for next year. I have enormous love for InterVarsity and its work on the college campus. I don't have a back-up plan. I have no idea what I am going to do or how I will continue ministry...

...but I do know that He is faithful. I do know that this year has been incredible in more ways than I can outline...and no one can take away the miracle God gave me to get me here for the year. I know this whole year and process is not a mistake...and I thank Jesus for giving me you all to stand beside me in this process.

I also ask that you pray for all of the other interns in our region who are dealing with their own placement decisions/news. This is an intense time of year for us on staff (finishing out the semester, preparing for our Chapter Camp in May and looking ahead to next year). I am faithful that you all will continue to pray for us and our campuses.

If you have any questions about any of this, please feel free to email or call and I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. Again, I apologize for being hard to reach recently.

For those of you who are currently supporting me financially, I will send out a letter explaining how to continue giving until the end of the fiscal year (June) and other information you may need as I finish this year on staff. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement.

Thank you for loving me...for praying for me...and for encouraging me. I am incredibly blessed by you all and I will be praying for you in the weeks to come.

In His Grace,
Laura

talks, turkeys and the future.

2007-03-07T12:05:00.000-05:00

it's been a few days. whoops. my bad.

this past weekend marked the first women's retreat for our chapter here at carolina. about 30+ women gathered at a local church for an evening of fun activities/community outreach/movies...and then they were locked into the sanctuary for the evening. i say "they" because i returned home for the evening to finish some work/get some proper sleep before i led two seminars the next day. yes, i am a wimp. i like my own bed. what can i say?

and so i returned the next morning and had breakfast before leading two seminars on body image/food control/exercise obsession. i shared my testimony and some of the revelation i believe the Lord has given me on this topic over the past few years...it is, afterall, the reason i am on staff. i will say, however, that it is incredibly tough to cover such a broad topic in only 45 minutes...and i will admit that i left the first seminar feeling somewhat overwhelmed, scatter-brained and praying that the women were able to glean something from up above. the second seminar (smaller in number) was much more successful, i do believe. i guess what they say is true...practice makes perfect...or...at least a little better.

on the whole, the retreat was incredible. it was amazing to hear wisdom from other women, to worship together and to try to understand what it means to be beautifully bold in our design as women. i was very privileged to be a part of it all.

sunday = thanksgiving. say what? yes, well...i have had a frozen turkey in my freezer since last november courtesy of interVarsity's leftovers from an outreach event we had on campus...and it was TIME to get rid of that sucker. so...i roasted my very first turkey on sunday...and we had 15 people come over for our thanksgiving potluck to watch carolina beat the tar out of duke. a 20-lb. turkey generates a lot of meat, my friends...and while it did take 6.5 hours to roast, it was mighty tasty, if i do say so myself. i love having people over. i love playing hostess. it's my favorite. kim and i got to stand back and enjoy the ecclectic mix of people filling our apartment...and even if tyler hansbrough did suffer a punch to the nose, it was a great day in the Cave.

and now? now i am recovering from a 24-hour stomach flu. booooooo. getting some work done. yay! and gearing up for spring break in greensboro with 20+ fabulous students.

and for all of my faithful readers out there in the abyss of the internet...please pray for yours truly as i am praying/trying to trust God with the next chapter of my life on staff. more details to come...when i myself get some from above. thanks!

a stroll through years past...

2007-03-01T02:10:00.000-05:00

well, it's official. i am 25 years old. mmmhmmm. it's been a fantastic day...full of flowers, facebook messages, phone calls (even an international call!), and fooooood.

i am blessed. beyond words.

to honor this day of my birth...and the interruption of my brother's mcdonald's happy meal one sunday afternoon a quarter of a century ago (long, laborious story...pun most DEFINITELY intended), i have decided to embarass the heck out of myself and present...*drumroll*...

laura...through the ages...

i'm working with limited resources down south away from the family albums. but here we go. (feel free to click on the images to make them a little bigger for your viewing pleasure. and don't be afraid to chuckle at LD. i do. i think God does sometimes, too.)

check me out. i am one...loving me some pastels while my brother rocks the vest. get it, james.

ok, so i am still sportin' the pastels at the tender age of two...while the bro has moved to a more conservative pattern...and look! i have hair! it's blond! yeah, didn't see that coming, did you...

yessssssss. i am five. and that furry thing next to me? that's my brother. no. scratch that. that's misty, our new puppy. loved her. miss her.

i am seven. with a bird on my head. say hello to mae. she was sassy...just like me. that's why i liked her...

clearly the most embarassing of 'em all....lawd, have mercy...i am thirteen...which makes jj sixteen...totally appropriate facial expression for both of us: james = bad attitude & la = awkward. golden memories. oh, and that's still misty. still miss her.

here we have homecoming part deux of senior year. i am seventeen. like the magazine. yes, we had to have TWO homecomings because of rampant bomb threats. but nonetheless, here i stand with alyssa. (love you, b!) like my dress? mama made it. boo-yah.

and ya know...this wouldn't be complete without a little present-day loving. this is the most recent decent photo i have of myself. (shout-out to the beautiful hanna sitting beside me!) wooo! so yup. ta-da.

thanks to everyone who made today incredible. love you.

God is good. ALL THE TIME.

to do without?

2007-02-25T02:36:00.000-05:00

this time of year, the same question will inevitably surface...causing a mix of emotions (some good, some not-so-pleasant) and people walk away feeling a) guilty ...b) proud of themselves...or c) confused.

the question?

what are you giving up for lent?

i myself am "guilty" of asking that question. i believe i am going to stop...

invariably, the answers are never quick and easy. they are always loaded with baggage...most often served up with a side of guilt. i think we have lost the point somewhere along the way. someone will say that they are giving up sweets or soda or french fries...and this is often said with sadness...and then perhaps a confession of the ways they have already "failed" at this mission just a few days into the lenten season.

or there is always the person who "gives something up"...but it is of no real consequence to his or her daily life...thus, it is not hard to abstain from these desires...and they go about patting themselves on the back for persevering through 40 days without ever "slipping" and giving in to the temptations of this world.

while i am not exactly sure where i stand on the issue of lent, i do know that these forty days have become skewed...legalistic...self-focused.

i see the purpose in fasting. i believe in it. i know fasting is biblical...and that Jesus did so Himself. i have delighted (hungered?) in this process myself from time to time. i see the repentance that springs forth from a concentrated period focused on God and His purposes or presence in our lives. i see how these forty days are for the preparation of our celebration of Calvary and what was done on our behalf one Friday afternoon.

i don't understand the guilt associated with this practice. i don't understand how it has become so manufactured and rule-driven. i don't understand how we lost sight of the Center of it all...

perhaps this season, i will offer a challenge: let us remove the focus from ourselves and what we can/cannot do or should/should not do...and let us lift our eyes to Jesus in hopeful anticipation of glorifying God with thankful hearts for what He did for us on that Cross. let us prepare ourselves to fall before the Throne, covered in grace and an unconditional love that we may never fully understand this side of Heaven...and may we use these forty days to quiet ourselves so that we may hear Him whisper "today you will be with me in paradise..."

oh, the randomness...

2007-02-21T12:42:00.000-05:00

i feel as though sometimes my life is a series of incredibly entertaining events. oftentimes there is someone else to experience these bizarre moments with me. most times i am left to enjoy these little plot twists alone with a smile on my face.

for example...

i take the bus to campus most days. the bus is my favorite place to people-watch. sometimes i am listening to music. sometimes i enjoy the silence of it all. one day, i was sitting across from a man who looked OK. nothing odd or out of place. he had a backpack beside him and he was watching the moving scenery outside. all of a sudden, he pulls a tennis ball from out of his bag. he holds it gingerly in his hands...and begins to talk to it...nay, he begins to yell at this little yellow object. i am listening to music on this day, so i reach into my pocket and pause the noise in an effort to better hear this tirade against his fuzzy friend. yes, i am aware that this is eavesdropping. anyway, to my surprise, there is no audible sound coming from him...he is merely mouthing these words of rage. we reach the next stop, he puts the ball away...and descends from the bus.

yep. and i remain on the bus...confused.

ok, so yesterday i am on the bus again...and there is a teenage boy sitting a few seats behind me. there is nothing particularly unusual about this guy...except for the fact that he is listening to his CD player...and it is so loud that i can hear almost every word. i smiled to myself as i watched other people on the bus look at him with annoyance. i finally get off a few stops later and go about my day...8 hours later, i get back on and take a seat, ready to go home. and i hear it. the same music. the same volume...and i turn around...and lo, he is there. it's almost as if he never left. what are the chances.

or...as a student and i walked across campus to find a bench in the arboretum for our weekly chat, a male student with firery red hair begins leaping across the bricks in front of us...jumping onto benches, leaping off of them, rolling across the ground, diving into the grass...it was all very movie-stunt-man-ish. then he just stopped and began walking normally. we were amazingly confused...but amazingly entertained.

we finally find a little bench and begin to talk. a few minutes later, a young man walks past us...over to a spot under a tree. he bends down, fluffs up some leaves like a little pillow, sits indian-style and begins meditating, palms up and sitting as straight as a pin. he never moved. this is certainly not something you see everyday.

and finally, this morning started with a bang...or a cymbal crash. there is a lumberyard only a few feet behind my apartment. many mornings have begun with loud noises coming from this place filled with wood...and this morning, i was woken up by very loud hispanic music. i mean, it was LOUD. i realize that it must be coming from a truck that had come to pick up some lumber...i crawl out of bed, and open my window...i just stand there...blinking in the face of the light...and then i realize that a man is watching me. creepy. so i just look right back at him. it's like staring contest...and he walks over to the truck and shuts off the music. apparently i won. i smiled, closed the window and slipped back into bed for a few more minutes.

like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of my life...

we will never be the same.

2007-02-19T14:35:00.000-05:00

i have a new favorite song. surprise, surprise.

but seriously? this little ditty by the david crowder band (oh, the glory of it all) is pretty phenomenal. the lyrics are incredible...incredibly true. all i know is that it is speakin' my soul language these days.

check out the lyrics & the song here.

it can also be purchased on itunes - look for it on the second Passion 07 CD. it is highly recommended by moi.

oh, and the photo up top? i snapped that one on campus a few weeks ago. i discovered the tiny foam heart glued to the tree. i liked it. there you go.

in other news...

i have started an intensive study on the Book of Job this morning. i don't believe i have ever read Job beginning to end...let alone with a few study materials and Matthew Henry's concise Bible commentary.

phew.

i'm drawn to the book for personal reasons (i find myself in a small forest of wilderness these days)...but i am diving into this piece of wisdom literature on behalf of other Jobs in my life. i want to speak the Truth of God's goodness to those in my company who are questioning His goodness and presence in the midst of suffering and pain.

i stand upon His promises and i want to pull others onto that Rock of Truth with me...to stand firm and secure in His grace and love. this is not such an easy task. but if Job can come out praising God in the midst of intense personal anguish, surely we can persevere.

righteous sufferers must trust in, acknowledge, serve and submit to the omniscient and omnipotent Sovereign, realizing that some suffering is the result of the unseen, spiritual conflicts between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of Satan -- between the kingdom of light and the kindgom of darkness (Ephesians 6:10-18).

i'm ready to fight.

who's with me?

wobbly knees and heavenward faces.

2007-02-12T18:11:00.000-05:00

the good news: emmaus07 (the name of our area's annual winter conference) was a success. over 150 interVarsity students from the eastern carolinas made their way to myrtle beach for a weekend focused on the Lord...the theme? media: through the lens of jesus. as is always the case with the Lord, i found that i walked away humbled, convicted and ready to change the way i think about my media consumption. it's amazing how, even when we as staff work so hard to produce something good, true and noble for our students, we end up receiving a gentle reminder that we needed the same tap on the shoulder from God.

so the weekend consisted of talks concerning how to thoughtfully engage with the media of our culture, when to "unplug" and listen to only the Lord's voice and how to find the "sweet spot" in the middle -- neither thoughtlessly consuming everything nor running away and isolating ourselves from our world. students participated in seminars, small groups, prayer sessions, open mic opportunities and (for our Carolina students) lunch while watching a little college basketball. [go Heels!]

my favorite moment of the weekend surprisingly had nothing to do with students or the content of the conference...i had a free moment to walk on the beach. i didn't realize how much i needed to see the ocean. i didn't know how much i needed to be reminded that i am small...that He is big...and that He is in control of everything. listening to the waves and crunching seashells under my feet while my face stayed turned towards the sun provided those comforting reminders.

and it hit me...

why is it so hard for us to remember the incredible Truths upon which we base our life? why do our knees get wobbly when our faith is tested? why is it so easy to forget all of the ways He has taken care of us up until this very moment? why do we believe that our blessings are going to run out...that there won't be enough grace for us...or that our worth or future is dependent upon this moment of "failure" or that...

so i came back from the weekend with quite a few thoughts running through my head...

and i am praying that i can give over those thought patterns that deny glory to God...

and that i can stop the "what if" game....that i can rest in the Promises He has spoken over my life...that i can remember His goodness and the proof of His presence...

You alone are Worthy...

and so it goes...

2007-02-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

this weekend? in a word? fantastic.

sleeping in is a small gift from Heaven, me thinks...as is dinner at Four Eleven West with a terrific date...good movies...early-morning walks to the grocery store...baking savory goodies for Super Bowl consumption...and watching the Game with a few hysterical people who know how to make LD laugh...(laughing is my favorite).

overall...i am one satisfied consumer of the weekend, my friends.

true.

2007-02-01T23:40:00.000-05:00

i believe in the rest of the story
i believe there's still ink in the pen
i have wasted my very last day
trying to change what happened way back when...

i believe it's the human condition
we all need to have answers to why
more than ever, i'm ready to say that i
will still sleep peacefully
with answers out of reach for me until...

someday all that's crazy
all that's unexplained
will fall into place
and someday all that's hazy
through a clouded glass
will be clear at last
and sometimes we're just waiting
for someday...

we are born with a lingering hunger
we are born to be unsatisfied
we are strangers who can't help but wonder
and dream about the other side of...

someday all that's crazy
all that's unexplained
will fall into place
and someday all that's hazy
through a clouded glass
will be clear at last
and sometimes we're just waiting
for someday...

every puzzle's missing piece
every unsolved mystery
more than half of every whole
rests in the Hands that hold you for someday...

- nichole nordeman "someday"

this little light of mine...

2007-01-29T23:53:00.000-05:00

if i had to pick one word to describe today? intense.

part of the amazingness of my j-o-b as a campus staff worker is the incredible opportunity to engage in a retreat of prayer. i, along with my fellow staff workers from the region, retreated to durham for a few hours of reflection and a date with Him. this little escape from campus proved to be just what this spirit needed. i didn't realize how much i needed time with my Creator. i came face-to-face with my sin. i reached moments of intense clarity and closure. i fell before the Lord and accepted His grace in ways i have avoided over the past few weeks. i gave in to His love.

in the words of my good friend & songwriter, kristin (sandberg) moore, i was "captured and ruined" for Him today...

while walking the labyrinth on the grounds, God gave me the following...perhaps it still needs some "working out"...but for now, it's something this LD can meditate upon...

sunshine. i love strong sunshine on my face. i love the warmth. i love the way it feels on my skin. i love when it is so bright that i just have to close my eyes to take it all in. i crave this sunshine. i wait for moments like these.

but...

i hate letting others see sunshine on my face. i become insecure and fearful that all of my flaws, blemishes and imperfections will become painfully obvious. so i hide my face from the sun in the company of others. i cover my true self. i deny the sun the chance to warm my face or reflect its goodness, its brightness.

i let my sin, my self and the worries of this world keep me from fully enjoying the source of life. i turn my back, afraid of being exposed. i would rather face the shadows and the cold than let others see what i am really made of...how flawed i really am.

i forget that the sun is most glorified when it is shining on creation. while the sun can't help but to expose our flaws, it is also absolutely necessary for growth...for abundant life. the sun has a purpose. we cannot deny the light. it will always illuminate our lives. everyone is exposed. everyone must face the sun.

retreat and reflect.

2007-01-28T12:17:00.000-05:00

com·fort [kuhm-fert]

verb
1. to soothe, console or reassure; to bring cheer to
2. to make physically comfortable

noun
1. relief in affliction; consolation; solace

so i've been thinking...

what is this "thing" inside of us that craves comfort? in times of emotional distress or a general sense of feeling overwhelmed, why do we retreat to that which is comfortable? is it possible to be comfortable in one arena of our lives, but not the others?

comfort goes beyond the tangible. yes, we can be physically comfortable...but what about in our emotions? our social situations? our environment?

why do we reach a point where all we desire is to feel comforted...to feel safe...to feel protected?

looking in my concordance, i found 114 references in the Bible to some version of the word 'comfort'....either as an action or gift from above in some form or fashion. Some of the stand-outs:

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you... - Isaiah 66:13

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life... - Psalm 119:50

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant... - Psalm 119:76

What does this speak of our desire for comfort...and more importantly, the source of our consolation?

i think it will take me a very long time to figure this one out...if ever on this side of Heaven. in the meantime, i am retreating and finding those sacred places of comfort knowing that there's Someone waiting for me.

eeeeee!

2007-01-18T10:55:00.000-05:00

it's snowing. in chapel hill, north carolina.

there is an actual accumulation of snowage on the ground. i woke up, remembered the forecast and peeked outside...and lo! white! everywhere! granted, my view is limited to the lumberyard behind my house, but I WILL TAKE IT. kim (my roommate) and i are like small children, wishing for more and trying to come up with any excuse to sit with hot chocolate and watch the flakes fall. but alas, we are "grown-ups"...so work beckons both of us on this very cold morning down south.

...but you can't kill the joyful spirit in us, folks...you just can't...

2007-01-15T15:53:00.000-05:00

please say hello to my amaryllis. i believe it is one of the most beautiful flowers i have ever seen. i've been thinking about this lovely little plant quite a bit as of late. i think there are some strong parallels between this plant's life and my own.

i purchased the bulb & pot a few days before i moved to north carolina. after i settled in down south, i planted the little guy, knowing that it would be 6-10 weeks before i would see a bud. i have faithfully watered my little friend by the window ever since...and i have been amazed at how quickly it has grown...and how TALL it has become. to think...once a little bulb...and now a beautiful thing to behold, set on this earth by the Creator for us to enjoy.

so where are the similarities between this sprout and laura?

well...i think that i was like the bulb before i moved to north carolina...and if i am honest, probably a few weeks after i relocated. i was hiding...in need of some nurture...knowing i had great things to offer this campus and the others involved in this ministry...but i knew it would take a little while. i needed space to grow...in my time.

and now? i think i can say with a great deal of confidence that i have grown in the past 3 months...i have blossomed (to continue with this flower-laura comparison). i am comfortable showing my true colors. i am eager to keep growing, to stand tall. i am more than willing to use the gifts God has given me if it brings glory to Him.

all of this hit me this past thursday night at our weekly Large Group meeting (a time of worship, prayer and teaching for everyone in the ministry). watching 250+ people file into the Great Hall and receiving hugs, smiles and words of affirmation made me stand back and thank the Good Lord that He has called me here for such a time as this. i am starting to see the fruit of His labor through me. i see my purpose. i see why it took a little bit of time for me to grow beyond the bulb. i know i am far from done with this process...but i can own it now with a little more confidence and assurance that there is always something good on the other side.

it's a good place to be.

The Voice.

2007-01-11T19:45:00.000-05:00

i've been thinking quite a bit about the connection between mind-body-spirit. it's an amazing triad...much more complicated than i think i will ever understand. to think that our thoughts direct our physical responses or spiritual walk (or any other combination of the three) is truly a remarkable concept.

i grew up hearing that the mind is a powerful thing. perhaps this was because my brother and i had the awful tendency to internalize all of our stressors until they manifested themselves in our gastric system. basically we were two nervous kids who had trouble keeping the food down. have mercy on our souls around exam time or any other particularly stressful event.

we "grew out of it"...or maybe we just learned some good coping mechanisms. i would like to think we matured in our ability to handle stress. maybe we learned how to call a spade a spade...and move on. or is that avoidance?

truth be told, i think we both still face this struggle from time to time...no...wait...i KNOW we struggle with this powerful-mind gig on our gag reflexes.

i definitely believe that physical reactions to stress or anxiety are purposeful. it's the body's way of saying, "hey, dollface...wake up and deal with this issue before i implode."

so then how do i keep a tight grip on the mind and all of its thoughts and wanderings? how in the world do i stop the idle mind from becoming the proverbial devil's playground? how do i stop the "what ifs"...the "whys"...the predictions completely rooted in nothing solid or true?

i don't know about love...but i definitely think the mind is a battlefield.

and then there are the outside voices...how do i discern what is good and noble from that which just wants to confuse or question? where is God in all of that? i know He's there. i know He speaks through others. where is the line between unnecessary commentary and His word to His daughter?

i am learning what it means to seek His voice alone...the ONLY voice i really want to hear. i am learning to give Him control of my mind. i am learning to call out patterns of thought that stray away from His current plan for my life.

i don't know much...but what i do know is that i am learning the value of creating safe spaces in which to give in to this process. i am allowing myself the freedom to move through any number of emotions or physical reactions. i am confident that God is sowing these questions into my spiritual walk for a purpose...there is fruit to be harvested. i believe it.

so i wrestle. i think it's a good thing. i think it makes me that much stronger when i choose to stay in the battlefield. i think it prepares me for the Truth that is to come.

i think i just need some quiet. i want to be like elijah...i want to hear a whisper in the midst of mighty winds, earthquakes and fires...

and it’s just You and me here now
only You and me here now...

exhaling.

2007-01-06T22:55:00.000-05:00

long time, no post. reasons? christmas...which quickly rolled over into some time in the Lou for urbana...followed by massive amounts of sleep...a little travel time back to chapel thrill...and even more time to process everything in my life (a huge task. i know this.)

i did have a pretty amazing job during urbana. i think i can say that now that it's over. historically, the IV interns of the world do not have the best job assignments (hall monitors/meal traffic directors/standing on the street corner guiding the "hoard of locusts" attending the conference)...i lucked out. well, i should say i sought out a pretty phenom job.

somehow, someway i got to be one of the 6 professional photographers documenting the conference for InterVarsity. i guess that's what happens when you email the head of media communications and ask (oh-so-sweetly) for a good job. it was a far cry from the weddings and other events i usually shoot...but it was grand. i quite enjoy getting to see things the average Joe Attendee wouldn't see...or at least seeing things differently through the lens of my camera. it was worship to me. and yes, there were moments i couldn't help but put the camera down by my side and give in full-force to the worship.

so there was that. 5 days behind the camera/backstage/hanging out with the likes of rick warren/chasing down attendees. i felt like i was working for my college newspaper again. i suppose those 2 years as photo editor paid off. who knew they would. one thing that makes me a little sad about my first urbana experience? i didn't really get to EXPERIENCE urbana. sure, i was documenting anything and everything...but i wasn't really "in it"...so the spiritual food i gleaned from urbana came much more from my personal relationships and interactions while in st. louis than from the amazing speakers/sessions InterVarsity booked. nonetheless, i am grateful for every way the Lord spoke to me during my stay in missouri.

so. it was back to williamsburg for 1.5 days. and then back to chapel hill to regroup....have some silence...kick back and prepare myself for this next semester. it's been lovely.

a few days of shopping/learning how to knit (i am one exciting 24-year-old)/meeting more 20-somethings/going to the movies alone (i actually do LOVE this)/good take-out food/some crashing-on-the-couch time...it's what i needed. i feel refreshed. i feel more like myself.

the biggest lesson the past few weeks? CONFIDENCE. that word comes up at least once a day in conversation with others or with God. i am still processing what this word means as reconciled to my life. i have a few ideas. we shall see...

and i am going to run with it. maybe even (dare i say...) run with confidence towards the throne? (a little hebrews 4 reference for ya.)

so this naturally-curly-haired 20-something is pretty excited about what's next. in every possible sense of the word. and the phrase i am living by?

IN HIS TIME.

amen. again, i will say...amen.

secret smiles.

2006-12-24T16:29:00.000-05:00

being back home in williamsburg creates a whirlwind of emotions. right now? i am extremely thankful and joyful to be here...in this moment...

williamsburg, for all of its tourist-induced-glamor because of its rich history, really is timeless. outside of the streets of colonial williamsburg, there are certain things that never change. there is an amazing amount of comfort in that realization. comfort in consistency.

like the man who works at our local grocery store and has remained a faithful employee for as long as i can remember...always ready to give a smile or crack a joke...and ever-eager to serve.

or slipping back into old relationships...drinking coffee from the local cafe and walking around downtown late at night while completely absorbed in fantastic conversation, looking at old-fashioned christmas decorations and taking in the tiny street fires designed to keep us warm.

or my dad working his crossword puzzle on a sunday afternoon while watching old black and white movies.

or ridiculous humor and uncontrollable laughter in public places as best my mom, brother and i can manage. creating an entertaining scene is never a problem for us. i hope it never is...

or laying next to the christmas tree and remembering the significance of each ornament. second-grade art projects. sunday school gifts-for-mom.

i was afraid that the christmas season would pass me by again this year...but as i look over the past few weeks, and especially these past few days at home, i see that the christmas season can't possibly pass me by as long as i take a moment to stop and see the ways He is working in my life.

perhaps that's what the christmas season is about...being aware of everything around us. maybe to realize our blessings and be grateful for His presence. to think about everything that He means...and, coming to earth as a tiny babe, He really just wanted to love us....for us to love Him, to love others...and to give praise to Him for His birth...to thank Him for loving us enough to be with us. o come, immanuel...

my one last request this christmas season? to sing my favorite hymn tonight in church...

o holy night, the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear Saviour's birth
long lay the world in sin and error pining
till He appeared and the soul felt its worth
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
fall on your knees! oh hear the angel voices!
oh night divine! oh night when Christ was born!

whimsical = my new favorite word.

2006-12-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

a couple of things i learned from this weekend:

1.) stuffing envelopes is infinitely better when done in the company of good friends...especially fellow staff workers who understand the necessity of said envelopes. and even better when topped off with egg nog milkshakes from cook out.

2.) the santa clause (movie) brings back great childhood memories. even if it does induce a certain amount of eye-rolling.

3.) mice have no shame. and they need to exit my household immediately. the eviction notice has been SERVED.

4.) i detest leaving a fine dining establishment and smelling like burned pancakes...especially if aforementioned dining establishment does not serve such breakfast fare.

5.) i can tolerate glitter. in small amounts.

6.) will ferrell is a comedic genius.

7.) i love hot tea before bed. especially when i am developing a tiny cough. cough.

8.) i miss my students. already.

9.) i am getting more and more excited about urbana. BRING. ON. THE. COLD. WEATHER.

10.) i am blessed beyond comprehension. He takes care of me in ways i can't even fathom. oh, come let us adore Him...

stars.

2006-12-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

a few nights ago, i hit a moment. i knew i needed to do something. i needed to go somewhere. i felt anxious. and my head was clouded with thoughts. i needed fresh air. and in that moment, i missed my spot on the river back home.

i grabbed the keys and headed to my car...and i ended up driving around. all told, i put 70 miles on the camry. i listened to praise music and drove out to jordan lake. and i realized...what i really needed was a moment to feel how small i am...and how big He is.

i think that's why i love star-gazing so much. i feel tiny. everything is instantly put into perspective. i can step outside of myself and my own little worldview and realize just how Great our God is...and how He really does know what He's doing, even if i don't. i like that feeling.

so last night, i again jumped in the car (this time with a couple of friends) and drove out to a random little road in the middle of nowhere for the express purpose of watching a meteor shower. i had known about this upcoming celestial-feast-for-the-eyes for about a month...and i was honestly counting down the days until i could experience some of God's very own fireworks.

i saw a huge streak across the sky before we left...so i knew that once we got beyond the city lights, it would be grand.

we parked. got out of the car. laid down, faces heavenward...and waited.

and waited.

and then...they came. tiny ones....and huge streaks...and flashes of green light.

but they were there. and it made my soul ever-so-content.

and i think that's a pretty perfect picture of how God is operating in my life these days. i sit...looking to Him...and wait for the goodness to come...in any form or fashion...when i least expect it. and in the meantime, i get a pretty amazing display of His majesty.

praise God from Whom all blessings flow...

still dancing.

2006-12-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

i have a small painting hanging in my apartment. it's a small flower with the words: "i get up. i walk. i fall down. meanwhile, i keep dancing."

i see this painting everyday. it has been hanging in my various places of residence over the past few years. it has only been within the past few weeks that this simple statement has had any meaning in my life.

i spoke with my good friend katie s. the other night. besides the fact that i adore her and our candid conversations, she gave me a profound thought i have spent some time working through and through...

"i am still tripping and stumbling through life and that's OK."

being a visual person (the whole art-major-thing should speak to this...), i quite enjoy any image i can glean from conversations. and i immediately saw myself walking down a sidewalk, tripping, falling forward, catching myself and then laughing my head off as i continued on my journey.

it feels good to laugh at myself. it feels good to give myself some grace every once in a while.

why can't i?

seriously...what is it that makes us so hard on ourselves? why can't we take a few stumbles in stride, realize it's a part of life, laugh and enjoy the walk?

"i need Your grace to remind me to find my own." - snow patrol

i am close to entering into my 25th year of life. why the pressure to have it all together? it's self-induced, that's for sure. that's part of the journey, right? navigating this crazy path full of moments designed to trip us up...reasons to duck for cover...forks in the road...slippery, unsteady steps...

i am learning to delight in the things i don't know. in the things that force me to slow down. in the things that throw me a little off course.

whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'this is the way; walk in it...' - isaiah 30:21

something tells me that walk wasn't without a few moments of humility...

i want to be fully used by Him.

that means tripping, falling down, rolling over, looking up at the sky, laughing at myself and saying, "ok, God...i get it...do with me what You will...even if that means looking like a fool from time to time..."

i lay it down.

2006-11-27T22:14:00.000-05:00

our determination to fully trust no one must die and an eager willingness to receive what is best from others and to give what is best from within ourselves must take place. that only happens when people feel loved, safe enough to face their dependency, trusting enough to enjoy what someone else gives, and courageous enough to offer who they truly are to another. - the safest place on earth (crabb)

the past two weeks have been intense...not only for my personal walk with Him, but within our chapter as students face academic obligations and struggles within their own faith journeys.

in the face of this somewhat overwhelming time, i have been confronted continually with the idea of vulnerability and the need for open, honest communication.

it seems to me that is it is ridiculously true that when we feel most broken or confused we isolate ourselves and mutter, "it's just you and me, God." we are afraid of being weak in front of others...we are scared of what someone might think if we let them see just how broken we are...and we don't like the thought of developing accountability because sometimes it's just easier to sit in our darkness.

sometimes we even leave God out of the equation and try to operate out of our own strength...either out of pride or lack of awareness about His purpose in our healing. this never gets us anywhere. (can i get an amen?!)

is it not possible that God sometimes cries out to us to lay down our brokenness before one another?

generally, i feel under attack after a particularly difficult conversation. if i have opened myself up (even a little), i walk away thinking, "i shouldn't have said that...i said too much...i wish i could rephrase that...i revealed too much of my struggle..."

of COURSE i would feel that attack. the Enemy doesn't want us to live out what we have been designed for...community. our original intention was for relationship both with God and with each other...and this includes moments of complete humility and vulnerability. it means that we can lay our junk before another without the fear of condemnation or judgment...and that we will be loved.

does this always happen? no. we are sinful people indeed and sometimes we let ourselves get in the way of God. however, in those amazing relationships where such God-directed openness occurs, we are truly glorifying Him and living out our original design.

it is taking me some time to realize the value of my vulnerability.

to have a dear friend look me in the eye and say, "i want to listen" has been one of the most powerful moments in the last few days. there is release. there is freedom in knowing that i can lay it down before another, knowing i will be loved...i will be prayed for...i am valued even in my brokenness.

has He not come to bind up the brokenhearted? (isaiah 61)

if that is so (and i believe it is with all of my might)...then we must admit when our heart is broken and be willing to be bound to another in all of their brokenness, too, to receive release from darkness.

"...one of the aspects of genuine, healthy relatedness is that people don't hide their vulnerability from one another and are not ashamed of who they are before each other." - how people grow (cloud & townsend)

i am learning to delight in allowing someone the chance to "carry another's burden"...and i see how such an act of letting others pour Truth into me overflows into others...builds my character as a woman of Him...and begins the process of putting my heart back together again...

go all in. hold nothing back.

2006-11-15T21:22:00.000-05:00

it's already november 15th. in a mere matter of days, i will celebrate my one month anniversary as a north carolinian. where has the time gone?

i spent monday and tuesday with the other interns of our region...we gathered in greensboro to debrief about our experiences thus far on campus. it was an intense time of personal sharing and affirmation that we are not alone in this entire process. i didn't know how much i needed to hear that.

one of our area directors did a fantastic job of confirming our calling to staff while making sure that we are maintaining our relationship with the Lord outside of our meetings with students and committments on campus.

"God is more concerned about who you are becoming than with what you're doing." - john hanna

it was an incredible thing to hear. i confess...there are days when i am more concerned about what's on my calendar than i am with how i am doing with my Lord...and then i am swiftly drawn back to the Cross and His promises for my life...the miracles He has performed and how much He desires me.

simply put: i can't make it without Him. i have nothing to offer outside of Him. my pursual of Him must be my very first priority.

that said, today was an incredible day of sitting in starbucks for hours on end meeting with students and getting to know them and their struggles while realizing that my vulnerability is necessary, as well. it's OK that i don't have all of the answers and that i am still trying to figure things out for myself.

more than anything, i want my students to know that i, too, have questions that only God can answer...that i search the Scriptures to find the Truth...that there are things i still don't understand and that that is OK...more than OK...because i cling to the promise that He will guide me to knowledge in His timing.

one thing i am learning how to reconcile: student's political agendas in the face of their faith. i have never personally been around strong Christians who are extemely involved in activism or politics that might differ from the typical Christian viewpoint and carolina is a much different college culture than james madison. carolina students are extremely vocal about their political parties and social justice. some of the conversations i have had recently have left me with an almost jaw-dropping response....not in judgment or disbelief, but more like... "whoa...i have never heard that before!"

i am intrigued beyond description. i would love to sit and listen to people outline their political views in conjuction with their faith and how Scripture ties into it all. more than that, i am excited to see how God continues to open my eyes/heart to students vastly different than what i have experienced in my own journey.

i want to be stretched. i want to be challenged. i want to see how God works through His people in various ways and through differing outlets. i know this campus will provide such a means for Him to work in me.

the one thing i do know? God is good. always. infinitely. meditate on that.

predictions and poetry.

2006-11-11T22:53:00.000-05:00

as predicted, my walk back from the coffee shop was indeed pleasant and peppered with little moments that reminded me of why i needed a day such as this.

stopping off at the bookshop on franklin street, i spent a good amount of time perusing the poetry section until i found the right billy collins collection.

flipping through, i found the following passage in a poem entitled questions about angels...and it made me smile...

if an angel delivered the mail, would he arrive
in a blinding rush of wings or would he just assume
the appearance of the regular mailman and
whistle up the driveway reading the postcards?

what a great image. makes me want to greet my mailman with a little more enthusiasm come monday morning.

and in light of my earlier post, i came across a profound thought in one of the books i am reading for my intern study program. the book investigates the idea that we are created for spiritual community and that the church has a responsibility to create such an environment of brokenness, vulnerability and shared growth...and somehow, my thoughts on loneliness are a little easier to swallow...

[...the experience of every pilgrim who honestly pursues the Lord...] the path to joy of God's presence always leads through joyless isolation, when the part of us that most longs for connection is left painfully alone. - larry crabb, the safest place on earth

a long walk.

2006-11-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

all this feels strange and untrue...and i won't waste a minute without You... - snow patrol

i find myself in a strange new territory. i am alone. it's a conflicting emotion. i know it is completely necessary right now. i predicted this transition to chapel hill would present a plethora of challenges. it is my reaction to them that causes the surprise.

yes, i cannot lie. i do sometimes grieve the thought that my dearest friends (the ones who know the true LD...flaws and all) are no longer a quick trip over the cantrell bridge plus or minus a few turns. that is not to say i am in want of companions within the triangle. my isolation stems from the sobering thought that these amazing individuals do not truly know what makes this chick tick. maybe they aren't supposed to...not in the same way...and if they are, i am not naive enough to think that such relationships do not take some time to build a foundation of honesty and vulnerability.

i am coming off of an extremely intense six months. i am still healing. my skin is still fairly thin. the fun-loving, cheerful, ridiculous side of me has been asleep for some time...and i am still trying to wake her up. i think that this process is OK. i am learning how to let myself go through the necessary emotions instead of pushing-on-through without stopping to appreciate the personal growth. one of my friends asked recently, "so how do we move forward from here?" recognizing that we are both in this strange middleground in-between the last phase of our life into the next. i can't answer that question. i don't even know if there is an adequate answer. what i do know is that my life is profoundly different than it was four weeks ago. this life-altering change is taking its time to settle in.

i think this loneliness is merely a symptom of this process. i believe this is God's very real way of drawing me to Himself. He alone will satisfy this longing for true companionship. while time with my family and friends may provide temporary relief, i am keenly aware that it is the daily recognition of His presence in my life that will heal this empty spot i perceive in my life.

if i am honest with myself, i have felt this isolation before - even in the company of the loves of my life. i suppose the difference is that this isolation is supremely more tangible. case-in-point: i am currently occupying a table for one at a local coffee shop, listening to my ipod and releasing these thoughts. and while i sit here venting about the reality of my situation, today feels different.

today is a concentrated effort to return to laura...throwing on the flip-flops and sunglasses and grabbing my big red bag, i walked out of my apartment - armed with my favorite tools of creativity and the expectation that i would explore my new neighborhood the best way i know how...through the lens of my camera.

my favorite part of the adventure so far: standing still on the sidewalk as a strong wind caused hundreds of leaves to fall around me. in that moment, i didn't feel so alone. i am praying that the walk back from the coffee shop provides another such moment.

i don't doubt that He will pull through...

wow.

2006-10-30T23:15:00.000-05:00

i think it finally hit this morning that i am indeed on staff. it hit while writing letters to my mom and step-dad. somehow that made it real...well, that combined with the fact that i have been attending meetings, set up my master schedule for the week, made appointments with students and did some serious data entry regarding our chapter retreat.

but it's true. i am here. i am on staff.

the victory is HIS.

He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. - deuteronomy 10:21

my mom sent me that verse this morning...and it's pretty incredible because it's incredibly true.

i like my life down here in north carolina. i am extremely pleased. yes, i miss my family and friends...but i am gaining some pretty fantastic relationships (yay for staff bonding over spaghetti and football) and i know i am doing what i was created to do.

that's a remarkable feeling, if you ask me.

my newest biblical desire: to really understand the story of esther.
my newest snack obsession: gala apples & peanut butter.
why i love living in the south: sweet tea EVERYWHERE.
amused by: the lumber yard directly outside of my bedroom window & the man driving the forklift.
can't stop listening to: jason morant

north carolina? what?

2006-10-23T01:26:00.000-05:00

my thought today while walking around barnes & noble...

holy cannoli. i am in north carolina. i am not just visting. i live here. a little more than a week ago, i didn't think this was possible. oh my goodness. it actually happened.

.........

in february, i was hired to go on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. in march, i attended training for how to raise my budget, much like a missionary. in may, i began that process full throttle. i have spent the last 6 months back home attempting to raise 100% of my budget...it has been the most intense 6 months of my life...incredibly bittersweet...incredibly humbling...and a period in my life i will always look back on with incredible awe at what God did during those summer months...

october 15th: my deadline to reach 75% of my goal or else i would most likely not go on staff...and as of october 12th, i had 58%. it was not looking good...but somehow, God transformed my feeble thinking from "impossible" by saying, "look at what i can do, laura..."

in a matter of 48 hours...with literally just HOURS until my deadline...God provided $10,000 more to my 58%...bringing me to 89% of my budget.

the testimony is crazy-good...weaving together past hurts now used for His glory and through people i didn't think would stand beside me.

it's all a little too much to write in a blog...besides, i like hearing people's reactions to how amazing our GREAT God is through all of this.

so here i sit. in my apartment in chapel hill, north carolina...about to start work with IVCF...beginning an adventure i have been anticipating for 9 months.

it's a little surreal...i am still waiting for it all to sink in...

and so i begin my new life...and it's rather lovely.

praise God from whom ALL blessings flow

see. the. good.

2006-09-12T00:27:00.000-05:00

christy (twin) challenged me to write down 25 praises. she says i need this right now. i came up with a few more than 25. i look forward to adding to this.

here it goes.

1. harvest renewal church - fellowship, worship, prayer, family
2. board games with mama & jj
3. entertaining conversations with JM
4. friendship with CE
5. reminders of my beauty from other beauties in my life
6. twin's amazing students; recognition of her gifts
7. timeless relationships
8. new men in my life - amazing new brothers - cowboys and pool sharks
9. music that allows me to connect to Him
10. B's peace in the midst of confusion
11. snail mail
12. big transitions in life (new jobs, moving, marriage, babies...)
13. comfort in consistency
14. creativity; various outlets
15. my family. all of them.
16. real conversations, tough testimonies, vulnerability, moments of silence
17. recurring phrases - God is a God of abundance... it's already done... He is a mighty warrior
18. being a woman and enjoying feminine things
19. nighttime strolls, solo drives, river moments
20. learning to claim His promises and make them my own
21. fund development phone calls and encouragement from strangers
22. freedom to travel; the possibility of overseas
23. old hole-in-the-wall diners in downtown richmond
24. annointings
25. reminders of how BIG He is and how much He loves me
26. quiet moments with skye
27. soft music on cloudy days
28. candlelight
29. wednesday nights in williamsburg
30. futon conversations with JB
31. the coolness in the air with fall
32. restoration...

quiet.

2006-09-06T17:14:00.000-05:00

my spot. it's very quiet today - only a few fishermen and random couples stopping to stretch their legs and take in the james river. i am lying in the shade - not too hot or cold. it's perfect. today has been a good day. i swam again - after weeks of sheer laziness - and the second i plunged underwater, i thought "why did you stay away for so long?" i think my soul even took a deep breath. i forgot how much i missed the silence in the swish of the water.

i wanted to check out the new cafe in town - and the need to write my thank-you cards was the perfect excuse. it wasn't what i expected. someone rushed over to me as soon as i walked in the door to seat me...like a real restaurant and i knew i wasn't in my kind of coffee shop. i was given a menu. all i wanted was coffee - that's all i could afford and even that was $2.40...for one cup. i was surrounded by people in business suits talking about interest rates and equity loans - a language i don't understand. it's owned by an older european woman who came out from the kitchen and shook my hand. apparently she personally greets all of her customers. the art on the walls was definitely unique - not my taste - but i could appreciate the dedication to detail. all in all, it was too upscale for me and i felt somewhat out of place in my ripped jeans and flip flops.

my spot feels better. surrounded by weeds and large bugs that buzz every few seconds. down the hill on the beach, i hear a woman giggling and i wonder what amuses her. the coast guard helicopters are running through training exercises across the river and the clouds are getting bigger and bigger - my favorite indication of a pending thunderstorm. a man on a bike rides by - singing a love song. my own frank sinatra in spandex.

as i write this, i realize my need for moments like this. moments of silence - isolation from the rest of the world. in the fight or flight mode of life, i am running. i am retreating. maybe it's self-preservation. this little pillar of strength isn't so tall these days. that's ok.

so i run. to Him. because that's the only place i want to be...

prophetic.

2006-08-26T00:41:00.000-05:00

his foot couldn't stop shaking while he listened. i could tell he was uncomfortable and a little nervous to be in that small church. everyone around him was speaking loud praises to God...singing Scripture...waving their hands...kneeling down on the wooden floor. i couldn't hold back, though. i stood and raised my hands, closed my eyes and sang with everything in me.

i lost touch with the world for a few minutes and snapped back once i realized the pastor now had a hold on him. his arms around his shoulders, speaking into his ear. i sat down. i could only hear a few phrases every now and again over the music and prayers. i wanted to listen but i knew it wasn't my moment.

i smiled.

i had been praying for a broken shell. a penetration of the Holy Spirit. a refreshing touch from above. i wanted him to experience God like i do. better than i do. i wanted him to feel the Presence. i prayed that God would be BIG tonight.

He delivered. and rocked him to the core. maybe that's why his foot couldn't stop shaking.

it was perfect. because it was His word. it was His direction.

i walked away with a few seeds of my own...bits of divine knowledge i will subsequently journal through and through. and she walked away with a greater understanding of thankfulness and what that means for the day-to-day.

He never ceases to amaze me. He never ceases to remind me of His power and presence.

tonight was a good night. hallelujah.

back to the basics...

2006-08-22T13:19:00.000-05:00

it's been an interesting couple of weeks. things slowed down in the everyday sense of the word...and with that extra time on my hands, i began to panic somewhat.

i finally realized that i needed to step away from all things fund development for a few days and just pray/spend time in the Word. and i did. and it was intense.

but it wasn't enough, sad to say...because i was still dwelling on FD and money and logistics and phone calls and everything. bah.

i knew i needed prayer and encouragement...so it was off to richmond to meet with my pastor. and that's exactly what i got. testimony after testimony of God's faithfulness and provision. and prayer...lots of honest, affirming, confident prayer.

it's august 22...and i would love to say that i am moving to chapel hill in the next few weeks, but alas...God has other plans.

i am at 36% of my budget...and the only thing that can make that happen would be miracles from the Lord.

and you know what? i truly believe that miracles will happen soon. i know He will provide. i don't question it anymore. i choose to declare that He will take care of my needs.

100% is no big deal for Him. so now i am learning to abide in Him...trying to figure out exactly what that means...and how i can trust Him for all of it.

God will provide....and again i will say, God will provide.

learning to see...

2006-08-09T00:52:00.000-05:00

so. things are finally slowing down a bit. i am home...and i plan on staying that way for a few weeks. PRAISE THE LORD. i like the idea of sleeping in my own bed for more than 3-4 days at a time. anyway.

this past weekend i spent some time in tennessee for my family reunion. it happens every 2 years...and i haven't been in a while because of summer school (yay for trying to finish grad school as soon as possible) so it was good to go and see everyone. i ended up giving a presentation to my family, seeking prayerful and financial support for next year.

not a single response.

and you know? it was OK. it was MORE than OK because God immediately showed me the blessings that spawned out of that experience, such as being able to share my testimony with my family, some time with my aunt during which a few tears fell and the opportunity to walk down to the water's edge and release it all.

as hard as it was at the time to walk away with no support, i am beginning to see the greater purposes in these negative responses. i know God has so much more than He needs to work through with me. i am ready.

i took a few days off from fund development last week...and i spent that time painting, working in my art book and journaling...it was hard to walk away...but ultimately extremely good for my soul. i needed to retreat and allow myself to worship the Lord through my art. so i have started a series of paintings...and they all include trees...i am still trying to figure out why and what that means biblically for me...we shall see.

this week is pretty low-key for me. i intend to spend some major time in prayer...for so many things.

what i want to study: faith like a mustard seed.

what i am thankful for: the fact that God doesn't give up on me...amazing friends who walk beside me and support me...my mom's jokes that make me smile...conversations that are tough, but refining...new praise music that brings joy to my heart...

current favorite verse: yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. for the Lord is a God of justice. blessed are all who wait for him! - isaiah 30:18

step by step...

flames.

2006-07-19T23:31:00.000-05:00

so i have had quite a few people ask about my fund development endeavors. my response? "it's a refiner's fire. and i am grateful because i wouldn't rely on the Lord like i do without this challenge." and that's the truth.

i have had some successful appointments & phone calls. and it is becoming easier to share my passion. sure, there are still those moments when i stare at the phone and make up an excuse as to why i am NOT calling Mr. X...but those ridiculous times are fewer and far between.

as each day passes, i become more and more excited about next year. i had a friend ask me recently if i feel excited or if i am holding off on the excitement until i know my funding will come in.

good question. and three months ago, i would have answered that i was holding off on the excitement. but i have come to realize that doing so is really just great mistrust in the Lord. and i choose to trust. i think He WANTS me to be excited so that His provision and blessing is that much sweeter. i can't ask the "what if the money doesn't come in?" because that means i am relying on myself and my own doing...and not Him.

and i can't do that. i don't want any part of that. i choose Him. i choose faith that moves mountains. or money.

and when it comes down to it, none of this is about percentages or budgets or how much money i will get per month. it comes down to my relationship with my Jesus. and that is more valuable than any figure interVarsity could give me.

my new favorite verse? romans 11:29...for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable.

that is the truth that i choose to walk in as i continue this challenge.

and what makes this journey even sweeter is the incredible relationships that have formed because of this calling. walking side-by-side with the other interns who are dealing with the same emotions/spiritual challenges makes me smile at how GOOD God is...and how much He wants to take care of us. by any means.

i take all of this in.
i see the purpose in it.
i revel in His goodness.
and i praise Him for His faithfulness.

wide awake.

2006-07-12T02:55:00.000-05:00

it's 12:55 in the morning. watching pride & prejudice and thinking about what needs to get done tomorrow.

in all of my phone calls to potential donors, i am discovering that some of my letters never made it to their final destination....say whaaaaaaat? this is a somewhat scary thought...which inevitably causes the "how many other mailboxes stayed hungry for my letter of love?!" panic attack...and then i am reminded...

He is in control. i am not.

He knows exactly what He is doing. i don't.

He is perfect. i am far from that adjective.

and i calm down...return to my strange love affair with elizabeth bennet and mr. darcy. and all is well with the world.

i had an appointment earlier today...and it went really well...even before i knocked on their front door.

a little story of God's faithfulness and my stupidity (all wrapped up in one fabulous tale!):

i was on my way to the appointment and i was running a little late, so i decided to pass some slow-pokes in front of the LA MBL. except that i decided to do this in a no-passing zone...and didn't realize that one of the cars coming towards me just so happened to be a state tropper.

faaaaaaaaaaaabulous.

of course he stops in the middle of the road, turns around, races up behind me and pulls this now-freaking-out laura over. great.

weirdest reaction ever? i start laughing...hysterically...and i believe i started singing tracy chapman's "fast car" in my head. anyway. by the time Officer Speedtrap gets to my window, i am cheesing like a 4-year-old with no teeth smiling for her preschool photo. and the officer? he is laughing, too. i am already armed with my license and registration...which he takes...asks where i am going so fast...and then i think, "do i tell him i am on my way to ask for financial support for God's ministry...or no." i opt for, "i was on my way to a meeting...and i am late...no excuse, i know." he looks around. hands me my license again. and says, "this is your lucky day, kid. slow down." and WALKS AWAY.

whaaaaaaaaat?! i was going 34 miles over the speed limit when he caught me...granted, i was passing people...but COME ON. i could have easily landed in court over that stupid mistake...and yet God is GOOD and lets me drive away with my record unscathed.

it was a christmas miracle. in july.

i laughed the entire way to the appointment...praying...laughing some more.

i learned my lesson.

God's timing is infinitely better than mine. even on the road.

aaaaaamen.

home. and overwhelmed.

2006-06-29T13:46:00.000-05:00

well, i am home from orientation for new staff (ONS) in madison, wisconsin. that was the longest and best 10 days of my summer thus far. why madison? that's where interVarsity's headquarters reside...but i still don't know how they landed in wisconsin. perhaps there are some mysteries i will never solve.

so. it was 10 days of fund development training...meeting amazing new people...visiting the national office...bonding with my region and small group...eating fantastic amounts of ethnic food...training in developing multiethnic witnessing communities within our chapters...tough conflicts/conversations...facing things from my past that i *thought* i had reconciled...and tons and tons of prayer.

it was exactly what i needed.

God never ceases to amaze me. He has spoken to me on various fronts...and i am ready to hear more.

so i am home. to continue my fund development...but with a few more amazing people to walk beside me.

and i see His provision.

so i think i am really learning to stop asking "what if" and proclaiming "let go" instead.

thanks be to God and God alone.

how i roll.

2006-06-05T21:26:00.000-05:00

so.

a sizable chunk of my letters have been mailed...and i will send a few more tomorrow. *phew*

now begins the daily checkage of the mailbox to see God's provision arrive through the united states postal service.

i have not been able to secure a part-time job...leaving me somewhat stir-crazy as i adapt to a different set of activities to keep me occupied.

i spend every morning doing laps at the community pool...helping little ladies that have in fact stated "i've fallen and i can't get up" all the while dodging creepy men in the speedos. it's a grand time.

so i believe this summer is about getting the LaLa in check: mind, body and soul. that's my job.

when not fiddling around williamsburg, i bounce up to richmond to hang out with my twin and assorted church folk.

and this has gotten me very excited about meeting amazing amounts of new people next year.

THAT, my friends, keeps me amped up and ready for Him.

aquatics.

2006-05-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

a day in the life of moi:

wake up around 8:30 or 9
put on the old swimsuit, grab the towel and keys...and out the door
swim alongside all of the retired folk in williamsburg at the rec center
come home...make lunch for me and the mama
watch some of my favorite cooking shows on the food network
shower/organize my life
work on fundraising letters
dinner
more organization/wasting away in front of a movie
phone calls
sleep

yup.

so it ends and begins...

2006-05-22T23:13:00.000-05:00

i am home.

and overwhelmed by many things...much of which involves finding space for the amazing amounts of belongings i have accrued in the past six years. that's what my summer in williamsburg means to me...putting my past away and making room for what's next.

i am not going to lie. i am still emotional...even ridiculous lifetime movies are causing the tears to flow. and it hasn't even been a week since i kissed harrisonburg goodbye. but that's OK. i am learning how to grieve...in front of others.

and it's not even harrisonburg that i will miss...it will be what it did for me...through everyone and everything. even leaving the lighthouse was hard...and not because i want to keep living in that old house. it occured to me the moment i passed my frame in the upstairs hallway. i collaged the word 'beauty' among other elements, well before i conquered that demon in my life...and i realized that it was within the walls of the lighthouse that i learned how to be beautiful for Him.

those are the moments i am embracing and tucking away for safe keeping.

my current encouragement comes from the beloved nelly...

i praise the Lord for what i consider to be your big "LET GO" because your leap of faith speaks volumes to me about shooting for the stars and letting God take you to that one place in the universe where He would have you be. what a place it's going to be! how He's going to use you!

so i guess that is what this summer is all about.

letting go.

contemplating His path for me.

having faith big enough to just sit in His shadow and let Him mold me.

in looking back through my journal, i came across a poem i wrote a couple of months ago. only now does it seem relevant.

and when i think of you, i smile.
in remembrance.
in hope.
of what was.
and is to come.
and i feel at home.

Lord, make me ready.

hit it.